Why?

Does he really think this is going to keep his ass safe? The bigger question might be why the dude decided to leave his artwork behind. Is he that proud of his creation? At least he flushed, unlike the dude who used the adjoining stall. That one was ripe. Sadly, this is the closest john to my office, one that I am forced to share with the unwashed public, and I use that term loosely, as the sinks here double as foot-washing fixtures. (I know, certain cultures place great value on regular foot washing, but it doesn't please me to see a man with one foot in the sink, soon to be followed by the other).

And then there's the spitting. The sinks are often coated in it. No one flushes the urinals and the toilets are often not flushed, so it usually stinks. There is always toilet paper on the floors. Many men seem to prefer peeing in the privacy of a stall, and I have yet to encounter a single man in this bathroom who has the courtesy to lift the seat. As a result, the seats are usually covered in piss.

Naturally, I normally travel to a different floor to use a bathroom. What I really want to do is post a Bathroom Etiquette sign. Even the staff bathroom on a different floor has sign above the urinal asked the men to flush after use. If you have to ask staff to do this, you have a problem. Public washrooms are disgusting, but you didn't need me to tell you that, did you?

OCD or Installation?

The other day, I walked into the nearest bathroom to my office, pushed open the stall door (I'll avoid discussing the problems associated with having to do one's business in the workplace) and was confronted by a toilet seat that was wrapped in so much paper, it looked like a Christmas present or possibly a paper throne. I couldn't see any hint of porcelain, no clue that the seat was black. To me, it looked like the most sublime feat of origami in history. Someone had crafted a toilet from toilet paper!

But, no, it seems that someone spent an hour or so making sure all surface areas were covered in toilet paper. What student, I ask you, has the time to devote that much energy to something he will only require for a few moments? Well, unless he had other less obvious plans, that is.

You know, it's impossible to catch an STD - wait, I think we call them STIs now - from a toilet seat. It can't happen, unless there is some sort of new super STI that I don't know about. And, even if you could catch something hideous from a toilet seat, would a few thin strips of toilet paper protect you? I think not.

I honestly believe that it one is that paranoid about catching an infectious disease from a toilet seat, a far better strategy would be to carry around cleaning supplies, like some of those disinfectant wipes. It would be obsessive-compulsive and a little nuts, but creating a paper throne is probably weirder.

Later, I thought that perhaps I had it all wrong. Maybe this was an installation? Now, I regret not photographing it.

Room 101

I have notched a count of two dead rats: one by poison and one left by a friendly cat, I think, on my back porch. I am disappointed to learn that a new rat has moved into the house. But, I will strangle him or her soon enough. I promise.

I keep all of the food tightly packed away in glass containers and out of reach of rats, mice, children, and guests. I have no idea what s/he is finding to eat, 'cause there's nothin' to be found anywhere. And yet, a new rat bastard is here, making a hell of a noise under the stove. I've seen the droppings and can assert that this is no mouse. And then there's this crazy episode.

If you want to be freaked out, keep reading. My basement tenant told me that a rat jumped head first into his toilet and swam down out of sight. Yes, he flushed. After a web search, I confirmed that this is possible because rats can hold their breath for ages. They can come up and go down. Below the joint, the area is free of water. Even a person could hold their breath for that short of distance.

A dude has patented some sort of cage that one can affix beneath the toilet's wax ring to permit one's business to be flushed away but prevent rats from coming up. I imagine it's like a reverse lobster trap. I have no idea where to get one.

My question is, what the hell is attracting the scurvy rodents to my house? I asked the neighbours, and they have no rats. I've had rats; they haven't had rats. The mice seem to be gone, probably chased away by the rats or captured by them and served up as rat lunch.

Sure, I have read all of the things you are supposed to avoid, and I am going to stick with them. No more fat down the sink. One is supposed to wait for it to congeal and put it in the green bin or soak it up with paper towels and put it in your green bin. Grease is bad for your pipes anyway. They recommend putting bleach down your pipes every now and then. That sounds environmentally-dubious to me, so I am not sure about that. Oh yeah, sealing all of the holes in the house is recommended, but how is that really possible?

"Welcome death, quoth the rat, when the trap fell"
-Thomas Fuller