Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Damn those Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses

I feel like I am being pursued by troops of religions zealots everywhere I go recently. They come to my door; they accost me on the streets; they interfere with my life. At least I get to direct some hostility towards them when they attempt to capture me in their tentacles.

Like the other day, when it was clear that I was busy doing stuff at the front of my house and was engaged with the coming and going of people. Two brain-washed instruments of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints interjected themselves into my personal space, asking if they could talk to me about shit. No way, dudes. I should say that I appreciate what the Mormons have done for Genealogy, though I disapprove of the reason behind these initiatives.

On the weekend, while walking away from a birthday party with les enfants, three well-dressed Mormons set upon me. Being someone that does not carry a gun, I had to try to talk my way through it, trying my best not to get them angry, lest they attack. I considered playing dead, but I couldn't remember if that worked for Mormons or the Jehovah's Witnesses. I also considered making loud grunting noises, hoping that such an action might scare them off. One has to be careful, for I have heard that they can spit venom into your eyes.

And then, this morning, on my way to work, an ancient pair of Jehovah's Witnesses approached me. It looked like the pathetic duo was simply lost and needed directions. I am happy to give directions, or make up something that sounds plausible, but then, the geriatric man unfurled his copy The Watchtower, like he was trying to interest me in illicit pornographic materials. Sadly, it was a copy of something that is not good enough to grace the bottom of a lizard cage.

So, now, I am considering compiling a list of the most offensive things I could say to these and other religious groups. If you know of any, please tell me. In the meantime, the next time I am offered a copy of The Watchtower or Awake!, I am going to reply with one of the following:

"Why, thank you very much! I am out of toilet paper!"
"Sorry, I gave all of my money to the Mormons."
I will utter the name Jehovah 237 times.

Of course, if it's the Mormons, I will have to say something like:

"When will incestuous lovers Donny and Marie be promoted to Sainthood in your church?"
"Orgazmo was the best movie ever made!"


Alex said...

This happens to me frequently as well. I just tell them as politely as I can that I'm not interested. Most of them can take a hint, fortunately.

Kate said...

I don't have any advice on what to say, but I thought of something I learned at a rape prevention program in college: get down on all fours and eat grass. Don't worry, I bet they'll run before you have to decide if you're going to actually swallow it.

running42k said...

We don't get the religious hassle too much.

I can't hear about Jehovah's without thinking of the stoning scene in Life of Brian.

Is it ironic that the word verification is milamb considering that Jesus is the Lamb of God?

k said...

Frankly, I don't think there's *anything* you can say to deter them.

My friend Sage from the QN podcast has regular run-ins with them, which she recounts rather amusingly. Apparently the two that live in her building have agreed to be interviewed by her. Now *that* I can't wait to hear.

Liz said...

Have you tried something like, "Can you come back later? I'm on the way to my coven."?

Super Happy Jen said...

I recall a pair of women who came to my door (no idea what religion). They told me that God was going to take over soon but right now the world was being controlled by the dark prince, Satan. It's enough to make you want to become a Satanist. Either he's not as bad as everyone says, or he just really sucks at being evil.

Deodand said...

My strategy, which works, involves saying, "NOT RELIGIOUS, THANK YOU" and shutting the door (gently) in their faces. Doesn't matter if they're talking or not.

And whatever else you do, DON'T take The Watchtower if they offer you one at your home. Even as a joke. You will have them on your doorstep again for sure.