A Play in Two Acts

SCENE ONE

(Thursday, July 3rd, 2008. Zydeco Fish, wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans, sits in his office. He reluctantly picks up his black office telephone and dials the phone.)

RECEPTIONIST

Good morning, [states name of company]. May I help you?

ZYDECO FISH

Hello. I am calling from _____ in Toronto. We ordered some _____ from you some time last year, and we need to re-order.

RECEPTIONIST

Thank you. I will have to transfer your call.

ZYDECO FISH

OK. Thank you.

(Zydeco Fish shifts is his chair, listening to the sounds of the phone being transferred. He glances at the clock and looks visibly disturbed that it is still morning. He picks up the apple on his desk and puts it down again.)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

Hello?

ZYDECO FISH

Hello. I am calling from _____ in Toronto. We ordered some _____ from your company some time last year, and we need to order some more.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh, I am sorry. That didn't work. Let me try transferring you again.

ZYDECO FISH

OK. Thank you.

(Zydeco Fish rolls his eyes, shifts is his chair, listening to the sounds of the phone being transferred. He picks up the nectarine and examines it. He puts it back down, and looks up at the clock. He watches a colleague sit down at the scanner just outside of his office.)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

Hello?

ZYDECO FISH

Hello. I am calling from _____ in Toronto. We ordered some _____ from you some time last year, and we need to make a new order.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

I'm sorry but I have no idea what you are talking about.

ZYDECO FISH

Oh, I guess I was transferred to the wrong person. I will call her back. Goodbye.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

Goodbye

(Zydeco Fish presses the release button on the phone and redials. He slouches a bit in his chair.)

RECEPTIONIST

Good morning, [states name of company]. May I help you?

ZYDECO FISH

Oh, hi. I just spoke with you a moment ago and you transferred me to someone who has no idea what I am talking about.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh, well, let me try again.

ZYDECO FISH

OK. Thanks.

(Zydeco Fish shifts is his chair, listening to the sound of the receptionist shuffle paper or drop something. He hears the familiar noise of the phone being transferred again. He brushes a couple of random hairs from his t-shirt. He toggles to his Flickr account to see if there are any new comments. He refreshes his email window. He clicks on Scrabulous in Facebook, but his two opponents haven't taken their turns yet.)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

Hello?

ZYDECO FISH

Hello. I am calling from _____ in Toronto. We ordered some _____ from you some time last year, and we need to order a new batch.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

I'm sorry but I have no idea what you are talking about.

ZYDECO FISH

Really?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

This is the Human Resources Department.

ZYDECO FISH

It is? Your receptionist transferred me to you. Why would she do that?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

I have no idea.

ZYDECO FISH

I guess I will just call her back.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

Sorry about that.

ZYDECO FISH

No problem. Goodbye.

(Zydeco Fish presses the release button on his phone and redials. As he waits, he types www.msnbc.com and clicks on the Tech and Science link. He opens the article about Voyager 2, launched 30 years ago, which has reached the Termination Shock.)

RECEPTIONIST

Good morning, [states name of company]. May I help you?

ZYDECO FISH

Hi. I have spoken with you a couple of times just now, trying to order some ____. No one seems to have any idea what I am talking about. The last time, you transferred me to the Human Resources Department and the person I spoke with couldn't figure out why.

RECEPTIONIST

I thought that she would know who you should be speaking with. I am just filling in today. Can I put you on hold for a moment?

ZYDECO FISH

Why not?

(Zydeco Fish waits. He looks at the clock. The red voice mail light on his phone has lit up.)

RECEPTIONIST

OK. Let me transfer you.

ZYDECO FISH

Thank you.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

Hello?

ZYDECO FISH

Oh, hello. I am calling from _____ in Toronto. We ordered some _____ from you some time last year, and we need to order more.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

I'm sorry, but I don't know what you are talking about. Where are you trying to call?

ZYDECO FISH

Mississauga...from Toronto.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

But where in Mississauga.

ZYDECO FISH

Your office at ____ ____ Parkway.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

But, you are speaking with someone in Halifax right now.

ZYDECO FISH

That's odd. Your receptionist transferred me to you.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

We don't have a receptionist.

ZYDECO FISH

You don't have a receptionist? Then who transferred me to you?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

I don't know.

ZYDECO FISH

So, you can't help me?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON

No. I have no idea who you should be speaking with.

ZYDECO FISH

Alright. Thanks for your help.

(Zydeco Fish hangs up the phone, picks up the apple and takes a bite. He looks disappointed with the apple.)

ACT TWO

(Friday, July 4th, 2008. Zydeco Fish, wearing a brownish t-shirt and blue jeans, sits in his office. He reluctantly picks up his black office telephone and dials the phone.)

RECEPTIONIST

Good morning, [states name of company]. May I help you?

ZYDECO FISH

Hi. I called yesterday trying to order some _____. I was never able to speak with anyone who could help me.

RECEPTIONIST

I don't know who to transfer you to. I can't help you.

ZYDECO FISH

Does your company sell ____?

RECEPTIONIST

I really don't know.

ZYDECO FISH

Wow, this is a very strange company.

RECEPTIONIST

Can I help you with anything else?

ZYDECO FISH

You haven't helped me with this.

RECEPTIONIST

I'm sorry. I have no information about this.

ZYDECO FISH

Alright... Goodbye.

(Zydeco Fish hangs up without waiting for a reply.)

FADE OUT:

THE END