Happy New Year, and all that

If I can't win the lottery, why can't someone I know win the lottery, like my father or sister? That would be almost as good, as I am fairly sure they would offer me some cash (unless I have completely misread them and overestimated their fondness for me). My grandmother is another story: her memory is deteriorating, and she would have great difficulty deciding what to do with all of that cash or even remembering who her relatives are.

When I walked into her house at Christmas (the door was not only unlocked, it was ajar, so that her neighbours can easily enter. I am not sure that this is a good idea. She wears a Lifeline around her neck, and two people call her daily to make sure that she is still alive. In November, she turned 89.

She looked at me blankly and I realized that I would have to give her my name. The first name wasn't good enough, so I had to add my surname. Still, she looked at me blankly. The two children were with me, so I guess I looked harmless enough, so she allowed me in without any fuss or complaints. I referred to my mother, sister, father, etc, to see if I could spark a memory. Finally, she seemed to get it, but then she suggested that I had never been to her house before, a house she has lived in for 33 years. She could not remember the names of the kids.

She announced relationships for every person she mentioned. Her daughter-in-law was not simply S_____, she was "S_____, my son's wife." You would have thought that she was talking to a stranger or someone she hadn't seen in 25 years. She offered us inedible candies, which were only marginally better than the Humbugs she used to dispense in my youth, Humbugs that were suspiciously without cellophane and which seemed always to be covered in pocket lint.

She ignored the gifts we brought to her, complained that she accidentally gave one of her grandchildren $5 too much at Christmas, and described in great detail how horrified she was about some gifts she had received. One top had a zipper all of the way up the front, right to her chin! She argued that no one would wear anything like that. The waist of the pants was too high or too low or something. She told this person never to buy her another gift.

Bah humbug, I suppose.

HCT

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving. I wish our Thanksgiving was the same as the American one, because right after Halloween, we Canadians are inundated with Christmas advertising. I could be wrong, but I seem to recall that Christmas advertising in the USA doesn't really get going until after Thanksgiving. Maybe that's not true anymore?

Happy Whatever

I hope you all have a fabulous holiday, if you get one, that is. This is my last day at work until early January. I may or may get around to posting during the holidays, but you are all used to that anyway.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, etc.

Technorati Tags: holidays

I Have to Ask Myself

Were my parents on drugs? Why else would they choose a tree that looks like this monstrosity? I remember the day we got this tree very well. I scratched my head then, and I scratch it now. It makes no sense. I know it wasn't the last tree on the lot. Why they didn't prune the bastard, I have no idea.

I'd like to know if there is some sort of rate-my-Christmas tree website, 'cause this would surely win in the ugly category.

I have decided that I either have to stop looking at old photos, or come to terms with the fact that my family is full of weirdos.

By the way, the cage at the upper left was home to the two dead budgies.

I'll pass on the opportunity to comment on the interior decorating.

Technorati Tags: Christmas, Christmas trees, family

Christmas Gifts for You

I was planning on giving you all $1 million each, but I didn't win that huge lottery a while back. Too bad for you. And so, this year, I will be making a donation in your name to the Human Fund. Happy Festivus! I know, I gave the same thing last year. Sorry about that.

By the way, the captions on the photo are: "The automotive equivalent of a really hot librarian" and "Good-looking, yet intelligent. Fun, yet sophisticated." Yup, that's me.

Technorati tags: Christmas, Human Fund, Librarians

Ever since I found out that Santa Claus doesn't exist, Christmas has been somewhat anti-climactic. I still remember the day my sister led me to my parents' bedroom closet and showed me all of the gifts piled up on a shelf. It was the end of the innocence.

This year, once again, I ended up in rural Ontario, where my family is from. It's so unlike the city: it is snowier and much more conservative. It's like taking a step backwards in time. I have learned to keep some opinions to myself, or risk arguments. It's a strange land out there. Some of my relatives actually said that they are afraid of going to Toronto.

I saw some films during the break.

Meet the Parents really really stinks. Who likes this kind of adolescent humour? I wanted to turn it off, but decided to stick it out until the last ridiculous minutes. If you think the name Gaylord M. Focker is funny, this film is for you.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre is a really excellent film. It stars Humphrey Bogart and is directed by John Houston. If you haven't seen it, you should. And, I learned something about prospecting-not enough to make me rich or become the centre of attention at a cocktail party, but something.

Woody Allen's Zelig is quite ingenious and terribly funny. It's a classic mockumetary. How is it that I missed it when it came out?

Spider (not Spiderman) is excellent. Ralph Fiennes has, perhaps, the fewest lines ever in a leading role. He just mumbles. It has a plot twist that you might figure out early, but even if you do, it doesn't ruin the film. It is depressing, but quite interesting.

I really enjoyed The Decline of the American Empire, even though I had to take my suspension of disbelief to a much higher level. How is it that Remy, an obese and unattractive man, managed to have seduced so many women? It makes no sense.

The last movie I saw was televised. It was the bizarrely popular My Big Fat Greek Wedding, or, as I like to call it My Big Fat Obnoxious Unfunny Movie. Whoever said that this was a comedy? Not only is it not funny, it is boring, badly written, badly acted, and badly directed. I can't even believe that is had a theatrical release. It looks so made-for-tv. There is zero chemistry between the lead characters. I mean absolutely zero. It just looked so contrived. Not to mention that the guy (John Corbett, I think) was so miscast. He is a reasonably attractive man, but the woman just did not fit with him. I mean, she is almost cross-eyed. OK, so I am being a little harsh here. The final word is, I can't believe I wasted two hours of my life on such crap.

And, what's with the advertisements? Every ten minutes on CBC, we get a barrage of ads at a volume significantly higher than the movie. It makes me mute. If they really want me to see the ads, then they should balance the volume levels for me. On CITY TV, they do something equally hideous. At first, the movies have long breaks, just to get you hooked. Towards the end, one has to endure ad breaks every 7 or 8 minutes. It really sucks. Oh, and I think I will have to boycott Canadian Tire because of their obnoxious jingle, "I'll start with you." Yuck.

Happy New Year to you.

Technorati tags: Christmas, relatives, movies, Meet the Parents, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Zelig, Spider, The Decline of the American Empire, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, CBC, CITY-TV

Well, Christmas is coming and I thought that I should announce what gifts I am giving to all of you who read this blog, even the ones who are too shy to comment. I will be making a donation in your name to the Human Fund. Happy Festivus.

Technorati tags: Christmas, Human Fund