A Visit with a Sadist ... I mean Dental Hygienist

The mere fact that the chair reclines, speaks of torture. Sure, the chair might be comfortable, at least for a while, especially since it's after work, and hours of thinking about issues, problems, and the endless meetings. So, it's not so bad to be fully reclined in a comfortable chair, even if the ceiling tiles are unspeakably ugly. You'd think in this environment, someone would pay to have something nice on the ceiling, like a plasma screen with peaceful images flowing through the neon and xenon. Instead, there's a few square feet of tile decay.

I sat down, felt the chair roll back, affirmed that I was comfortable, and hoped that she would leave me alone for a few minutes so I could get some sleep. Instead, I heard the jangle of the instruments being readied.

Some famous comedian once observed that dentists tell us not to put sharp metal objects into our mouths, only to put sharp metal objects into our mouths when we visit them. Aside from the needle and the drill, they rarely inflict serious pain on us. But, the dental hygienist, at least mine, has a different method of operation.

I believe that she was hired from some secret spy organization - like the Alliance of Twelve - that uses dental torture to extract information like coordinates, access codes, bank account numbers, and shoe sizes. She could be gentler if she wanted to be, but I believe that she inflicts pain in direct proportion to the amount of flossing she thinks we are not doing. It's getting worse too and it's clear to me that, as she ages, she has less ability to moderate the amount of pressure she uses when she stabs the sharp pointy metal implements into my gum line.

After my last visit, my mouth was is so much pain that I found it difficult to brush for a week. I suppose, as an inducement to floss more, it might work. Frankly, I'd like to hire someone to floss my teeth for me, or maybe I could train a monkey to do it.

Technorati Tags: dentist, pain