Oscars, part 11

Here is a prediction. Someday, an American production company will film an Americanized version of Slumdog Millionaire, probably under the title of Redneck Millionaire. As we know, there is a paucity of ideas in Hollywood. If there is any justice, Regis Philbin will get to play Regis Philbin. Who knows, maybe he will win an Academy Award.

Oscars, part 10

Good night.

Oscars, part 9

Why did they drop the brief clip when nominations are read? I miss that reminder or example. Instead, we see a bunch of clips of former winners accepting their awards. This makes no sense to me.

Oscars, part 8

Best Original Song: I was happy to learn that Peter Gabriel withdrew from the Awards. He felt that the one minute allotted to him for his performance was too short, and I have to agree. They should have cut the Hugh Jackman songs and allowed the nominated songs to be performed in their entirety.

Oscars, part 7

It's Heath. No surprise there. A few sad moments here. But, my question is: why does Kevin Kline persist with a mustache?

Oscars, part 6

I will say it: the Oscars are boring this year, very boring. Hugh Jackman singing and dancing doesn't help either. His second number is painful, unlistenable really. Where is Billy Crystal?

Oscars, part 5

[Gluten-free cake break].

Oscars, part 4

Thank god count = 1.

In other news, I think my knives are too sharp. I keep cutting myself on these new ones. My old knives were so dull, it took a good deal of effort to cut anything. These ones are so sharp, I can cut myself and not feel a thing, not notice until the blood drips onto the salad.

Oscars, part 3

Tina Fey and Steve Martin made me laugh.

Oscars, part 2

The set seems claustrophobic to me, like they don't really have enough space. Why do they insist on all of this looking back stuff? No wonder the show is so long. Do we really need to be reminded of who won Oscars 70 years ago?

What ever happened to Ted Danson? I wonder this while watching Whoopi Goldberg. What's up with Goldie Hawn's boobs?

I think they might need more draconian methods of keeping the thank you speeches shorter, like maybe a trap door that winners can be dropped through should they rattle on too long, like Penelope Cruz.

Oscars, part 1

It's not over, but I can already say that Hugh Jackman's opening number is kind of dumb. Dude can sing, but I am not enjoying this at all. Where is Billy Crystal?

Red Carpet #2

Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes is brilliant casting, if you ask me. I am looking forward to that movie. I thought he was great in Wonder Boys. I loved that film.

I feel sorry for those accountants. Their tuxes just never look as good and they can't really get away with anything cutting-edge.

Red Carpet

As long as I don't have to see Joan Rivers on the red carpet, I will be happy. So far, this evening is Joan-free, and that is making me somewhat less cynical, but I am annually mystified by this spectacle of "who are you wearing?" One year, someone will walk down the red carpet with a real person draped over them. That would be something to see. Anyway, I give two thumbs up to Freida Pinto. She is quite a fetching lass.

Oscars, Part 9

Oooooooh, the dead person part. I don't know most of these people but, of course, they ended with Heath Ledger.

And with that, I am going to bed... I tried to hang on longer, but I am tired and must get my beauty rest. Good night.

Oscars, Part 8

Renée Zellweger looks as if she has no eyes. What's with the perma-squint and the downcast look? She creeps me out.

Nicola Kidman looks like a mannequin. Seriously, she's all plasticy and yellow.

I don't understand Robert Boyle's white scarf. It makes him look a bit like Elvis in that famous come back concert, wherein he sweated a bit on each scarf and then gave the out to screaming ladies in the audience like it was manna from heaven. But, maybe Robert thinks he's about to pilot a plane somewhere.

I am attempting to determine my maximum stay up late time. I need a calculator...

Oscars, Part 7

Best Actress in a Leading Role: Quelle surprise! I didn't see that coming. Wow.

And another thing, when will the Academy recognize comedy? Serious films always win the major awards, to the detriment of some fine comedic performances. I can't think of any right now, but why are there no categories for comedy? I think they need to get on with that.

OK, so I forgot about the song from Once. I saw this film and really thought is was great, but Glen Hansard always looks pained when he sings (especially the chorus) and I worry that a coronary event is not too far off. He has the same beat-up guitar from the film. Cool.

Oscars, Part 6

Best Supporting Actress: I wonder when the Academy is going to stop using the word "actress." Is it not sexist, like the word poetess, or waitress, or stewardess? Anyway, Tilda Swinton looks more and more like a cross between Annie Lennox and David Bowie. Maybe it's partly because her dress makes her look like an android, or something.

OK, so we are three songs in out of five nominations, and I am not enjoying any of them. Why is movie music typically so bad?

Oscars, Part 5

OK, so tuxes with that shiny stripe down the leg are stupid. They are like classed up track pants. But, John Stewart's monologue was funny despite the pants, or maybe they helped?

Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem deserves this Oscar. His performance was fabulous and deeply disturbing. I wrote this post before it was announced that he won.

Oscars, Part 4

I have no idea if it's just me, but Hilary Swank seems to look a lot like Jamie Lee Curtis, but with bigger teeth. I have a craving for grapes... It's a good thing I have some.

Oscars, Part 3

I decided to skip the Barbara Walters special and now I discover that Regis Philbin is doing his red carpet thang. I have to say that Regis is a great name. I wish my parents had named me that. I am serious. If that isn't enough, his middle names are Francis Xavier. Astounding. What a lucky man.

A few observations:

- John Travolta's hair looks like a helmet.
- Laura Linney reminds me of Helen Hunt (but with a smaller forehead).
- Javier Bardem scares me, even when not in character and even without the worst haircut in movie history.
- Wow, I didn't realize that Daniel Day Lewis wears such serious earrings. I am not sold on them, though.
- 1 Billion people will be watching the Academy Awards, which is about 999,999,999 more than are reading this blog.