I need Answers

Do cats have lips?

The Ice Cream Truck

How many ice cream tucks are there in Toronto? There would have to be hundreds, because the mobile soft-serve ice cream people always show up at dinner, with that infernal music that scrapes against my brain. Years of planning with Euler graphs and computer simulations must have taken place for this to happen in such an orchestrated manner. But, if the mobile soft-serve ice cream people are always at someone's house at dinner, where are the mobile soft-serve ice cream people just before they arrive and where do the mobile soft-serve ice cream people go right after? Does this mean that the mobile soft-serve ice cream people know when everyone eats, and can, therefore, time arrivals accordingly? Where did the mobile soft-serve ice cream people acquire this knowledge? Why is it that when we eat later, the mobile soft-serve ice cream people still manage to arrive when we are eating?

What do the mobile soft-serve ice cream people do in winter? It makes me wonder what the profit margin is in this business.

Technorati Tags: questions, ice cream truck

Vote!

So, nine months after I invited people to ask me questions, I am almost finished with the answers. Cooper asked me:

boxers, briefs or thongs?

Before I give away the answer, I'd like to run a poll. Please choose from the options below:

a) ZF wears briefs
b) ZF wears boxers
c) ZF wears boxer briefs
d) ZF wears thongs
e) ZF goes commando

Here are some hints. Don't forget that my dad wears a thong bathing suit from time to time. Also remember that I am part Scottish.

Technorati Tags: questions, underwear, polls

Finally, More Answers (and It's Delurking Week)

Toryssa asked:

How old are you? And how old are your kids? And what's the last book you read?

1) How old am I? That is highly confidential. I think the Official Secrets Act prevents me from revealing that data. Wait, wasn't the name of the act changed to The Security of Information Act? In any case, my lips are sealed.

2) 5.5 years & 20 months. Both are far cuter than I am.

3) Shite's Unoriginal Miscellany. Hey, it's funny and educational. Of course, many would argue that it is a lame and unsuccessful parody of Schott's Original Miscellany, and I think they would be correct. Still, I did laugh a few times.

Update: I just read that it is delurking week. So, all of you lurkers, please delurk.

Technorati Tags: questions, answers

Zydeco Fish is Still Alive & One More Answer

I was amazed to learn that almost one month has passed since my last post. Yikes. I have no good excuse, so I won't even try to come up with one. Along the way, I had a few good ideas for posts, but they were lost, usually while sleeping. Of course, after a drink or two, I have lots to say, but little that anyone would want to hear (unless they have also had a drink or two). I still think a good idea for a blog would be a drunk blog in which the person certifies that he or she will only post while drunk. Maybe one already exists. After all, there are blogs about virtually everything else.

I have lost track of LeafGirl77. Her blog seems to have been dismantled. Where did you go, Leaf Girl?

Hey, why don't I answer another question?

Chris Nolan.ca asks:

Where do you work? See for some reason I always thought it was UofT, but something recently made me thing Ryerson.

I'll reserve my answer for a later date. Someday, I will tell you. I promise. I may be close to retirement when it happens, but I will make an announcement.

Oh, and who was your third grade teacher? Tell us a story about that.

Interesting question. She was either called Miss Dennis or Miss Denis. I'd have to check my old report cards to be certain. I recall that once she tried to explain the difference between unfertilized chicken eggs and fertilized chicken eggs. The obvious question arose, and them she had a very difficult time coming up with a good answer.

That's not very interesting, but it's all I can come up with right now. Sorry to give such a disappointing answer.

Sadly, I will not be able to blog tomorrow or Friday or on the weekend, but I am sure you expect that now.

Technorati Tags: blogging, leafgirl, answers

Answers, Part 4

Doris Night asks: "how much is that doggie in the window?"

That depends.

1) If you go to a Humane Society, you can get one free, or almost free. I think that there is some sort of administration fee. Let me check...yes, the Toronto Humane Society charges $25 for a cat, $50 for a dog, $20 for a bunny - I am not sure if that comes with a recipe - and $4 to $65 for mice, birds, gerbils, guinea pigs, and ferrets (in other words, food for your pet snake). So, come to Toronto with $50 and you can walk away with a vicious killer of your choice. OK, just kidding: I am sure that there are some very pleasant dogs at the Humane Society. They may be anti-social, but I am sure they just need love. I guess the Humane Society of New York would be closer, right?

2) Do you really want a dog that has been on display behind some glass? I have heard that these kinds of dogs may not be so healthy, and that some come from puppy mills. I say, forget about the pet shop dog.

3) I did a Google search for you and found out that you can get a puppy for as little as $50 - as you already know - and as much as $1500. How much money do you have to spend?

Arf! Arf!

Technorati Tags: dogs, pets, Humane Society

Answers, Part 3

Kyahgirl has a few questions. I will tackle two in this post:

Have you met any blogger buddies in real life?

Why, yes I have. I know a handful of bloggers in real life, but only two that are listed in my blogroll. I have known Running42k, proprietor of Musings of Middle Age, for many years. We were roommates in our first year of University and we were next door neighbours the year after in the same residence. Here is a picture of him from back-in-the-day.

As it happens, in the second year, I was the only person on our floor - aside from the House Advisor - not to get an "Incident Report." I believe Running42K's came when he threw some heavy object out of his window and nearly hit the Hall Advisor. Talk about bad aim. If I am not mistaken, that was the same night that I put R42k's phone in his freezer, but I am not really sure why. It just seemed to fit. I could go on and on about residence life, but that is probably enough for now. By the way, there was an incident or two that probably deserved an Incident Report, but I was smart enough to keep out of harm's way.

The other person I know is Katherine, from Wabisabi, which is in many ways a blog about knitting, but also more. She and I went through the Master of Library Science program at a large North American University. I have certain opinions about that program. She is also my ex-girlfriend (I hope she doesn't mind me saying that so publicly). She was the first urban cyclist I met, and I soon decided that cycling in Toronto was a good idea.

Have you been out West?

Yes. I went to Edmonton in February several years ago. I was flown out for a job interview. I was not entirely taken with Edmonton, but it was February and something like minus 55 degrees. The sky was very blue, however. I spent some time on Whyte Avenue, and that was cool.

I went to Vancouver about 6 years ago, where I presented a paper at a conference with a co-worker. I loved Vancouver, even though I mistakenly walked right through Junkieville. That was interesting.

If I keep answering questions, I'll never have to think of an original idea again for this blog.

Technorati Tags: bloggers, friends, residence, Edmonton, Vancouver

Answers, Part 2

Next, Super Happy Jen of Super Happy Jen's Super Happy Blog, asks a complicated question. I should really ask her why she is so happy. I mean, what's that all about? She lives in some sort of super happy world. Everything about her is happy. It's all happy, happy, happy. If you want a happy little blogging diversion, visit Super Happy Jen for a little happiness. She says, "Most people think I am the most hilarious girl in the world - even when I'm trying to be serious!" I can't believe that she is both hilarious and happy.

So, here is her question:

So you know those Klingon warriors from Star Trek? Not the Original Series.

Yes (so far, so good).

I'm talking full bumpy forehead, crooked yellow teeth, armor, bat'leth, lots of cleavage.

I am secretly wondering why she knows how to spell bat'leth.

Anyway (we are getting close to the question), say you were hanging out in the 24th century and one of them asked you out on a date. What would your response be and why?

I think my answer would be, what the fuck am I doing in the 24th century? And, perhaps more importantly, why am I in a fictional 24th century? This would presuppose that I have either gone completely insane or that time travel is real and that one could move into fictional universes. So, I can't see any way that I would ever be in such a situation, without the influence of something like hallucinogenic drugs or complete mental collapse. OK, I know that this is a scenario question, so I will play along.

If a male Klingon asked me on a date, I would say no: I'm not gay, not even for Klingons (not that there's anything wrong with that). Now, supposing a female Klingon asked me on a date, I would say no as well. I'd be worried that she would accidentally kill me. Now if a green woman asked me out...

Does that answer your question?

Technorati Tags: answers, Star Trek, Super Happy Jen

Answers, Part 1

Liz, from Library Tavern asks: "If you were a nut, what kind would you be?"

Well, that's a tough one. If you had asked me what my favourite nut is, I would probably have said the almond. You know, if you split in half just right with your teeth, you will notice that they are delightfully smooth on the tongue. I am also a fan of almond butter, despite the hefty price. What kind of nut would I be is a far more difficult question.

I like cashews, but they are not nuts: they are seeds, although some people persist in arguing that they are nuts. Anyway, I don't think I would like that kidney shape. I can rule out the coconut - not a true nut either - and the peanut, for it is far too common (not to mention that it is not a true nut either). Walnuts are over-rated and bitter and the Brazil nut is far too much work to get into.

I considered the filbert and the hazelnut (close nut relatives). In the end, I would have to choose the pistachio.

Why? Well, just read this sentence from the Wikipedia entry: "When the fruit ripens, the shells split open partially. This happens with an audible pop, and legend has it that lovers who stand under a pistachio tree at night and hear the nuts popping open will have good luck."

That is cool.

By the way, if you want to ask me a question, do it here.

Technorati Tags: answers, nuts, pistachios

Ask Me

OK, here is your chance. I am finishing up a long report and have no time to post today. (By the way, that was an April Fool's joke: I am not sure I have the discipline to become a monk of any variety). So, I invite you to ask me questions. I know, other bloggers have done this, so I don't claim that it is original in any way.

Go ahead. If you are dying to know how tall I am, how much I weigh, what colour my eyes are, the last book I read, the last movie I saw, my favourite food, etc. Ask, and I might answer.

Technorati Tags: questions

And the Answer is...

Running42K just sent me an email and guilted me into getting back to my blog, which I have been ignoring. I have no good excuses, really.

OK, I confess: I really don't know when that picture of me was taken, beyond it being December of some year when I was a child. So, everyone who guessed December sometime in the 1970s, you win! Good going. Too bad for you that the prize was only useless points. But, if I ever win the lottery, I'll convert that to dollars (Canadian ones).

In other news, I am distressed to say that I have to cycle past Fonzie's cheesy grin every day on my way to work. It is in a TTC bus shelter on Wellesley Street. You may remember that I met the Fonz once, when I thought the concept of The Fonz was cool.

In later years, I have come to realize that the idea of The Fonz in idiotic. How did Happy Days get away with it for so long? I don't like Fonzie. Fonzie sucks.

Technorati Tags: Happy Days, The Fonz

I'm Back

I disappeared from the Blogosphere for so long because:

a) The police finally caught up with me and put me in jail
b) I went to Sweden for a sex change operation
c) I was a contestant on Survivor
d) A talent agent "discovered" me and flew me out to Hollywood where I starred in my first feature (you can reserve your copy at your favourite adult video store soon)
e) Aliens abducted me
f) I forgot my password
g) I needed a hair cut
h) I was meditating and lost track of the time
i) I was in the studio, recording an album of Neil Diamond songs
j) I joined a cult and narrowly avoided a mass suicide

What's on your Computer Clipboard? (because I am bored)

Leave a comment and Press "ctrl v" or edit/paste and let me know.

Here's mine: "It's Only Rhyming Quatrains, But I Like It."

OK, so you don't have to.

Do You Pee in the Shower?

Some time ago, I read that a large percentage of people admitted to urinating while in the shower. It never occurred to me that this was an option. So, my question is, do you pee in the shower? Be honest. I really want to know.

Technorati Tags: shower, peeing, urinating, pissing, micturating

We Have a Winner

As K pointed out, I made the quiz far too easy.

And, the winner is: Chris Nolan, who answered all questions correctly, except the bonus. Good efforts by the rest, but let me just assert that peacock blue is not even close to my favourite colour. Vex got that one. K, there are no touches of flamboyance anywhere in my wardrobe. Mrs Mogul, I am sorry to say that you got the last two wrong. I still like your blog. Jay, it seems many readers assumed that I was a woman. Perhaps it's that Librarian stereotype. I am not Marian the Librarian, although I know some who fit that image.

As promised, here are a few nice words about the winner's blog. Chris Nolan's blog, unambiguously entitled, I Am Chris Nolan, promises discussions about, Toronto, comics, technology, movies (including his own, and his recent entry in the Toronto Film Challenge), and more. I have read and enjoyed many of his movie reviews. I don't comment as much as I should. You can check out his archives by category, which is interesting.

Do I have a favourite post? I am not sure, but this one makes me laugh, perhaps because I have my own list of misheard lyrics in my head. Check out his blog.

Technorati Tags: Chris Nolan, me

A Short Test (to see if you have been paying attention)

I can offer no prize, but I will say something nice about your blog if you get the most correct answers.

True or False:

1) I am a woman
2) I live in Toronto
3) My favourite singer is Mel Torme
4) I have a three children
5) I wrote some guest posts on Mister Anchovy's blog this summer
6) I love milk, cheese, and yogurt
7) I once worked as a bartender
8) IMHO, the worst song ever is Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen
9) My favourite kid's books are Franklin the Turtle
10) The greatest invention of the 20th century was the leaf blower

Bonus:

My favourite colour is peacock blue

Technorati Tags: me

What is Your Favourite Song?

I have a theory that, as people age, they no longer have a favourite song. Instead, they have songs that they like, but it becomes increasingly difficult to have one favourite. That's true of me. When I was a teenager, I carried a top ten list in my head. Perhaps it was from having listened to all of those countdowns for the end of year, end of decade, and end of millennium, end of whatever. It's hard enough for me to list a top ten fav singers/bands.

Do you have a favourite song? Tell me what it is. I want to know.

Technorati Tags: music

Another Question

A recent post by Meliors prompted me to ask this:

1) Do your parents (brothers, sisters, grand parents, aunts, uncles, etc.) read your blog? For the parents out there, do you read your children's blog?
2) If so, are you reading it secretly?

P.S. Happy birthday to my daughter (she's too young to read this).

Technorati Tags: blogging

Eight Ponderables

1) Why would anyone knowingly eat edible petroleum products? You know, fake soft serve ice cream and that compressed faux whipped cream in a can.

2) Why would anyone drink the breast milk of a hairy 2000 pound animal? I'm talking 'bout milk, cow's milk that is and all of it's associated by-products, like frozen fat, I mean cream mixed with refined sugar and cottage cheese, which looks more like lumpy mucus.

3) If your girlfriend crosses the floor and joins the government, leaving your Alberta Party...I mean Reform Party...I mean Alliance Party...I mean CCRAP in the lurch, is your relationship over?

4) Why are Bridesmaid's dresses usually ugly? I think the Bride does this so that she looks better than her female friends.

5) Who invented the tuxedo and why? It's just an ugly thing.

6) I should like golf, being half Scottish and all, but I don't. I will admit that it is far more difficult than it looks and that playing it is immeasurably better than watching it, so I have to ask, why would anyone watch golf on TV? That has to be the most important question of the last 100 years.

7) There's a blog called Dating Help for Men. In a recent post, they have a "quick list of little things to look out for before you even attempt to go near a woman." These include such things like, oh, showering, brushing your teeth, using deodorant, etc. It seems to me that if you have to be reminded to do that, you don't deserve a girlfriend. Right?

8) What's the fascination with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings?

Technorati Tags: petroleum products, milk, relationships, bridesmaid's dresses, tuxedo, golf, Dating Help for Men, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings

Thoughts, Comments, and Questions for Today

1) Stephen Harper does not have Prime Ministerial hair. And, it's my firm belief that he looks like a Husky.

2) Why hasn't someone invented a product that stops one's hair from growing. You know, so that it goes into stasis?

3) BlogTO is better than Metroblogging Toronto; Torontoist is better than BlogTO.

4) Memo to Jack Layton: shave off your moustache.

5) Seinfeld was the best television show, ever.

6) Survivor is better than Gilligan's Island.

7) Why do certain phrases go into disuse. Like, whatever happened to 'awesome' and 'let's blow this popsicle stand'?

8) IMHO, Charles is fit to be Queen...I mean King.

9) Why would anyone buy a PT Cruiser?

10) Yes, I'd like to go to the moon.

11) The Hubble should be saved.

12) If Bruce Cockburn ran for elected office, I would vote for him.

13) I don't miss hockey

14) I thought I would have been 'discovered' by now. I thought I'd be walking down the street some day and hear someone say "look at those jowls!" I'd be cast immediately.

15) Leaf blowers are stupid.

16) I use the Oxford Comma.

Technorati Tags: questions, comments, thoughts