Diet Coke is an Atrocity

With apologies to those of you who actually like this shi...stuff.

The first time I tasted Diet Coke, I really believed that I was being poisoned, or at least that this substance was about to induce vomiting. First, there was a gag reflex. And then I started clawing at my throat like someone being suffocated. I ran to find an appropriate place to spit it out. It tasted so bad, I asked the person I was with to taste it for me.

The conversation went something like:

me: "Taste this."

them: "Why."

me: "I want to make sure I am not being poisoned."

them: [sips; hands it back]: "Tastes just fine."

me: "You can't be serious. This is what I imagine carbonated embalming fluid tastes like."

I remember thinking that if I were blindfolded and forced to taste and identify this carbonated atrocity, I would have made the following guesses:

1) antifreeze
2) liquid aluminum
3) refrigerant
4) aftershave
5) WD-40
6) melted vinyl
7) my grandmother's urine
8) someone's IV drip
9) pond water
10) some sort of truth serum forced on people before interrogation or being sent to the gulag

It reminded me of my first cigarette. I felt like I might throw up or that my chest would explode - in other words, the universal sign that your body is trying to tell you that you are poisoning yourself.

Besides, it contains aspartame, a substance that is banned in children's products in Europe. And, just to show you how omniscient my comments were, I offer this:

"Aspartame is made of 3 components, 50% phenylalanine, 40% aspartic acid and 10% methanol (wood alcohol). In the body methanol breaks down into formaldehyde (embalming fluid) and formic acid." (source). By the way, formaldehyde is a neurotoxin and a carcinogen.

That made me thirsty.

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