Facts on Farts

After yesterday's lengthy post, what else could I post but something about flatulence? Facts on Farts is funny. It has well-written answers to several of your burning questions about farting. I realize that I promised never to write author post on this topic, but shit happens.

It droppeth as the gentle fart from heaven
Upon the place beneath.

I originally titled this post God's Ass, but I thought that was a bit vulgar. Then, I considered Cosmic Flatus, Mysterium Flatulosmographicum, and Cutting the Universal Wind. My final title retains some poetic qualities, I hope.

But, anyway, this is an interesting project. NASA wants to place close to 100,000 antennas on the dark side of the moon to form what it is calling the Dark Ages Lunar Interferometer (DALI). The principal behind this is simple: the bigger the telescope, the farther back in time you can see. And, by placing it on the far side of the moon, you can eliminate interference from earth transmissions, etc.

In theory, you could see back to the "dark ages" of the universe, right after the Big Bang. In other words, you would see clouds of ionized gas drifting around. Maybe my brain is helplessly stuck at the age of 14, but I can't help but thinking that if we look far enough back, we would see a huge butt, right after it had broken some wind.

Just when I thought that I was being too juvenile, I read the second last line of the article on Space:

Probing the dark ages presents the opportunity to watch the young Universe evolve," said Joseph Lazio, NRL astronomer and head of the DALI proposal.

Probing? Really. He said that. And, I thought of the fundament...again. But, I do like the idea of the telescope.

Farting Redux

I know, I know, I said I would never write another post on farting, but I realize now that I was premature in killing this topic. I recalled today that I once envied my childhood friend, Gordie, because he could fart-on-demand. Conversations with him went something like:

me: "Gordie, fart."
Gordie farts

...later:
me: "Fart Gordie fart."
Gordie farts

...later:
me: "Fart again Gordie."
Gordie farts

I thought it was all fun and games until he came for a sleepover. Anyway, there is some fabulous stuff out there, like:

- Gone with the Wind: More Thoughts on Medieval Farting. A Liberman - Scandinavian Studies, 1996 (pdf). It's interesting and very academic.

- Unabridged Dictionary of Fart Slang

- Urban Dictionary: fart, farting ...

And let's not forget the Flatulence Filter. This ought to win an award for best invention ever. In fact, I plan on giving one to my mother.

OK, so maybe this will be my last farting post.

By the way, I am still looking for answers to my question about librarians (2 posts down). Have a look.

Technorati Tags: farting, flatulence

Professional Farting

My recent guest post on Mister Anchovy about Star Wars led, bizarrely, to a discussion about Lutefish and stinking shark meat. That, naturally -- and given my 14-year-old brain -- made me think of farting, or flatulence for the easily offended.

I was amazed to discover, in my inevitable Google search, an entry at Wikipedia on the Professional Farter. Wow, now here's something I learned about far too late in life. I could have been honing my skills from a much younger age. I can just imagine straining to achieve a B flat or an F major. I suppose chords are out of the question, unless you are in a choir of people with similar skills.

I have never known a Professional Farter, but I'd be happy to nominate a few individuals. I suppose I better not name names.

By the way, if you do a Google search for the phrase "professional farting," you get more that 550 results. Don't believe me? Try it yourself.

I promise never to make another farting post again.

Technorati Tags: flatulence, farting