Two Funny Statements

1) From the almost-four-year-old:

I dreamed I ate a fly's nose last night.

2) From the almost-eight-year-old, upon seeing a cartoon featuring an old white man as American President:

They have some old strange white guy as president! Change it Barack!

Soaking Tired...and TV

During the long drive back from the rural parts of Ontario, my three-year-old uttered this profound statement: "I am soaking tired." I love that.

I have already mentioned that the second X-Files film sucks eggs, right? Just in case you missed me making such a statement, it sucks. But, there is some good TV these days. For example, I have just seen season two of Californication. I was a little freaked out by episode one of season two, 'cause it sucked. I hated that episode, but things got back on track. Season three will be here in late 2009.

I enjoyed season three of Dexter very much. True, the premise is a little difficult to believe, but it is enjoyable and it makes me want to go to Miami. It has been renewed for two more seasons :-)

Vince Gilligan, my favourite X-Files writer, has come through with a really amazing show called Breaking Bad. It has also been renewed for another season. If you ever get the chance, check this out. Here's the opening scenes (one and two) of the premiere episode.

And now, a meeting...

More Three-year-old Musings

Not for the first time, my son has commented on the disparity in size between our penises. For example, yesterday, he said: "Yours is a really really big penis. It's huge! It's a really big one. [pause] I have a tiny penis." Sure, it's an amusing comment, maybe even funny, but it makes me a bit sad to hear him lament the size of his boyhood.

I try to reassure him. He will grow up and have a big one too. A big penis, with all it's attendant rights, privileges, and responsibilities is something to look forward to. Strangely, his comments always make me stop to consider circumcision.

Lots of men justify having their sons circumcised so that they will look "the same" as they do, or so the boy won't look "different." I suppose these dads don't want any uncomfortable questions about why they lack a foreskin. It my opinion, this is a red herring, because my son hasn't even noticed. He notices the difference in size and that's it.

When boys grow up, they can enjoy their big penises. Once they have had their foreskin cut off, they will never get it back.

Quote of the Day

From the 3.5 year old:

"Monkeys like to eat bananas, just like real people."

From the Mouth of a three and a half year old

"I like to put my hand on my penis because me penis is warm."

I'm Back, Baby I'm Back

Here's the best story from my weekend trip to Rural, Ontario to visit certain family members. While in the nursing home where my mother lives (probably for the rest of her life), my daughter decided to play the piano in the lounge area. Just then, an aged woman ambled in and said: "how wonderful." My son was trying his best to interfere with his sister's piano recital, but the old woman repeated her refrain: "how wonderful, how wonderful" even as the protests commenced and the voices of the children became louder and louder.

She went on: "I was a school teacher." I felt a bit sad for her, but also was happy that these two children, now getting seriously irritated with one another over piano access, brought her some joy. While my daughter played a lovely rendition of Doe, a deer, a female deer, the ancient women found a seat, spread out a large absorbent pad (I suppose in the event of spontaneous incontinence), had a seat, and stared out the window.

While chatting with my sister and my mother, I heard snippets of the babble coming from the old lady, such as: "a school teacher...lovely, I was a school teacher..." I suppose she had gotten lost in her reminiscences. Seconds later, without any warning, she let out a loud "bitch!"

The good news is that this caused my mother to laugh. "What's she going on about now?" my mother asked. "She's a crazy one." I laughed a bit too, and then wondered if she had been my one of my school teachers, but decided against the possibility.

***

I feel like I have been away from work for a week, mostly because I have. I was at a conference last week (sorry, no review for you today, or ever, if you are lucky). On Monday, when I should have been enjoying an extra long weekend, thanks to Canada Day falling on a Tuesday, I was at an appointment with a retinal specialist, who confirmed that I have two "potentially dangerous" retinal tears. I think half of Toronto was in his office that day. He lasered one tear after a wait with dozens of others needing similar treatments. I go back in three weeks for another laser weld job.

I have spent most of today in meetings, which is not a good thing.

Glossary of a Three-Year-Old

Sunscream - the cream applied to one's body in order to avoid sun burn and, possibly, skin cancer.

Porkchoppers - a cut of meat cut at a right angle to the spine of the swine, sometimes containing a rib bone or segment of a vertebra. Alternately, pigs with extraordinarily long front legs. These pigs look much like radically-customized motorcycles, with stretched front forks.

Damn Kids

Yesterday in the park I clashed with a group of obnoxious foul-mouthed prepubescent boys (5 kids about 9 or 10 years old). Also in the park, were my two kids (aged almost 3 and almost 7), plus two other kids a bit younger. I walked over the little shits and said very sternly: "There are little kids here, so kill the language." They shut up.

Of course, they left a pile of litter behind them when they finally left, and I would have said something, but they sneaked away. Suddenly, I am left to ponder the word snuck, which sounds like the past participle of a mid afternoon snack.

A few years back, I confronted another group of kids who had invaded the toddler part of a park, and were exuberantly climbing on the monkey bars, etc. They left a pile of refuse on the ground when they turned to go. I said, "You know, I saw the house that you came out of across the street and I am going to knock and that door if you don't pick up all of that garbage you left behind." They cleaned it up.

I could give you more examples, but that would be excessive. I do wonder what I would have done if this most recent group refused to shut up, or, perhaps worse, decided to swarm me. I already know how many 5 year olds I can take in a fight, but these guys were a bit older and might have proven to be tougher. Would it have been excessive to throw sand in their faces and kick them in the groin?