Reality TV Redux

As if Dancing With the Stars is not enough, we now have So You Think You Can Dance. Oddly, only one is a Fox show.

I've read that dance instructors in Toronto have seen a boom unheralded since Saturday Night Fever. This new trend probably assures that ball room dancing will soon be a be an Olympic sport. This is not to say that I hate dancing. I just think that reality TV and dancing don't mix.

Which reminds me that I saw a few minutes of that show with the Jenner kids and David Foster (I'd look it up, but I am too lazy). I never knew that it would be possible, but they have ripped off the Simple Life, another show from the brilliant minds at Fox. That show sucks.

I just want to say that I'd be happy to star in a show like that, but I am far too poor. I think a reality show about librarians is long overdue, especially since we are so misunderstood. If anyone at Fox is listening, give me a call.

Technorati Tags: television, TV, reality TV

Penile Recommendations

Some spam I really love, like this one:

Have you ever wanted to impress your girl? Now you could grant your wish! Be realistic ? you always wanted it! Try SPUR-M now! Use this tab regularly and you'll have the best sex!

And in the same day:

You gape for ejaculating like you had seen in porno films? I am sure it was! This successful product is created especially for you, guys! Use this tab regularly and you'll have the best sex! Worried it won't work?

Both had links to different URLs. Both carried the subject line "Penile Recommendations." Both were obviously written by someone with an unparalleled mastery of the English language.

I have said before that there is no way I would ever purchase anything that was advertised to me via spam, especially anti-spam software advertised to them via spam! That makes no sense at all.

Who buys products that they have heard about via spam? I really want to know how these jokers make money.

Technorati Tags: spam

The Answer

Sorry to take so long to give you the answer. The answer is ... the parrot.

Technorati Tags: grandmother

12 Random Facts about my Grandmother

One thing on this list is not true.

1) she reuses toilet paper (she hangs it on the side of the sink to dry)
2) she is 86 years old
3) she buys her dresses & shoes and lawn sales and thrift shops
4) she is independently wealthy
5) she was a grandmother at 37
6) she was a great grandmother at 57
7) she could be a great great grandmother, but I can't prove it at the moment
8) she had a shotgun wedding
9) she has a pet parrot that is 47 years old
10) she has two artificial knees and one artificial hip
11) she sleeps in a reclining lounge chair
12) she used to drown kittens when she & my grandfather owned a farm

Technorati Tags: grandmother, family history

An Actual Conversation with a Fellow Cyclist on Bloor Street Today

At a red light, he turned around:

guy: "The water fell out of my hand."

me: "Water? I didn't see it."

Light turns green, but I am pinned in by cars and garbage cans and newspaper boxes.

guy: "It got away from me."

me: "Oh yeah?"

guy: "Some people will chase after you if you litter." He makes running motions with his arms. "They get in your face."

me: "Oh yeah?"

guy: "I had to punch a guy out once. I tossed a Coke can at a garbage cab and missed, and a guy yelled: 'put that in the garbage!' and he chased after me. I had to kick him."

I see an opening and start making my way around.

me: "You should have put it in the recycling bin." (OK, so I didn't say that, but I wanted to).

Technorati Tags: cycling, Toronto

Tom Cruise is Nuts, and here's the website to prove it. If you like that, be sure to visit FreeKatie.net.

I can't explain it, but just as I was writing that, I had this thought:

I feel sorry for any bird saddled with the words "lesser" of "common," like the Lesser Antillean Flycatcher, the Lesser Flamingo, the Lesser Bird-of-Paradise, the Common Bristlebill or the Common Gull. How drab and boring for them.

Technorati Tags: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, birds

Get off the Stage, a Late Live8 Post

If I have to hear The Who's Who Are You one more time, I may well go completely insane. Who needs The Who? Who Cares? Who Gives a Shit? Now, those are three albums The Who should have recorded. Why did they (and I mean the Live8 organizers) have to drag out the old washed-up acts whose only future prospects are concerts at Casinos?

I only saw about 30 minutes of Live8 - and maybe I saw the worst 30 minutes - but I can tell you that I was not impressed with what I saw. My viewing commenced with Our Lady Peace butchering a Leonard Cohen song. I'm sorry if I have offended the fans of Our Lady Peace (I know who you are).

It's not about age; it's about musical credibility. Neil Young still has it. Bruce Cockburn does too. But, certainly not The Who, a band, CG reminded me, who has released no new music in over twenty years. And, Elton John's best years, if one can apply the adjective best to anything Elton John has ever done, ended in 1975. I won't even start on Madonna et al.

I know there were some good moments, but U2 with Paul McCartney wasn't one of them.

(A spider just walked across my monitor screen - actually, he's hovering over Our Lady Peace).

So, I'm thinking that there ought to be a movement to ban certain songs from any public performance. If you want to hear Satisfaction, buy or download it. The Stones should be forced into retirement. And, thank God the Eagles have packed it in.

Technorati Tags: Live8, music

I Want to Strangle Franklin The Turtle and Elliot Moose too

I am sick of Franklin, that sniveling little reptile featured in books published by Kids Can Press. OK, so the books had good reviews at the beginning, but I think this turtle's time has come. After all, the books are no longer written by the originating authors, and I think they might have run out of ideas. Since it is unlikely that anyone will listen to me and make turtle soup out of Franklin, I will offer two suggestions.

1) rename all of the books "Franklin Learns a Lesson" since that is what happens in most stories.
2) make Franklin a teenager, so that they can move of to new story ideas, like "Franklin Gets Laid" or "Franklin Gets an STD."

Of course, since there seems only to be one family of each species in that crazy village, it would mean either incest or bestiality (or maybe that would interspecies sex, since they are already beasts).

Oh, and one other thing would make me happy, and that is a new book about Elliot called "Elliot's Funeral." Then, they could change the insipid theme song from "Elliot Moose is on the Loose" to this far more interesting and satisfying lyric:

"Elliot Moose is in a Noose."

Technorati Tags: Franklin the Turtle, Elliot Moose

Out of Town

I am out for town for the rest of the week. If I had been more with it, I would have lined up some guest bloggers. Maybe next time.

P.S. Friday is my two year blogging anniversary. Whoopee!

Technorati Tags: vacation

Go Fly a Kite: some reflections on my childhood

After being unable to get it up a few weeks back, I flew a kite yesterday for the first time in my life. With my kite virility restored, I once again reflected on how having children has allowed me to revisit my own childhood and even to correct some shortcomings, like flying a kite. Another shortcoming was a lack of stories and books.

Surprisingly, I had no books as a child. Perhaps this is why I became a librarian (and, no, I do not sit in some quiet corner and read all day long - that would be an idyllic librarian job, and I think it does not exist). I do not clearly remember bedtime rituals, but I know that there were no bedtime stories. I must have been sent off to bed with a smack on the ass.

I sifted through the piles of childhood stuff that my mother sold at successive law sales, and there were no books. There were toys, lots and lots of plastic toys - most of which took batteries and made high pitched noises - but no books. And, my parents did not have library cards. My mother read. Around her living room chair were ashtrays, Harlequin Romances, and stacks of True Romance magazines.

On the only bookshelf in the house there was a copy of The Happy Hooker, a dictionary, a hymn book, a bible that had long ago fallen to pieces, and a few National Geographic magazines. I also recall a copy of Lorna Dune and a book about growing peas.

Having a child has meant that I have read a good number of picture books (many of them dozens of times). I have just started Alice In Wonderland for the first time. Better late than never, I suppose.

Technorati Tags: childhood, kites, reading

I Met the Fonz

It's true and also a little known fact that I met Henry Winkler at the height of his popularity. It was the very late 1970s and Henry was known the world over as that great character actor who played Arthur Fonzerelli on Happy Days. I wish someone would explain to me why the concept of the Fonz seemed to work back then, but the idea of it now seems so unbelievably ridiculous.

He came to our school. One person asked if he could have his autograph and Arthur said no, because then he would have to give everyone his autograph. And then, a sexually precocious pre-teen...well, she may have be 13, said: "can I have a kiss?" And, Fonzie gave her what looked like a deep French kiss, the bastard.

I shook his hand on his way out the door.

Have you met anyone famous?

Happy Canada Day.

Technorati Tags: The Fonz, Henry Winkler, Happy Days

My Old Roommate

I just discovered that my first year roommate from my undergrad days has a blog. I have added musings of middle age to my blogroll. It's interesting that he already considers himself to be middle aged. I figure that is several years off. I am not even 40 and, after all, 50 is the new 40 and we are living longer, right? I hope so anyway.

Anyway, my now middle-aged friend has uploaded a post in which he says about us:

"Well now it appears that we will be able to stay in more frequent contact, probably learning more about each other then when we were 19 year old roommates only concerned with getting drunk and laid, and not necessarily in that manner."

If only I could remember if that was true. I'll take his word for it. Studying was not a priority in first year. That much, I remember.

Technorati Tags: roommates, middle age

Camera Day

Today is Camera Day, according to something I read somewhere, so I thought I'd post a photo, 'cause it's been ages since the last one.

Good night.

Oh, it's a tree. I'm quite fond of posting pictures of trees.

© 2004 Zydeco Fish

Technorati Tags: photography, black & white photography, trees

A Recurring Dream

In a previous post, I said: "I am reluctant to post any more dreams here, for fear that someone may be secretly psychoanalyzing me. If you are secretly psychoanalyzing me, please send me a full report on what you have found." And so, I present another dream.

Someone please tell me what this means. I have a recurring dream in which I have to pass through a very small opening, like a door that has only one foot of clearance, or under a wall that doesn't quite meet the ground. There are numerous other variations. Sometimes, I have to follow what seems to be a tunnel.

Help.

Technorati Tags: dreams

Don't Eat That

1) Any food that is improved by pounding it against a rock for a goodly number of minutes before other interventions are tried (like thorough cleaning, more tenderization, and the introduction of other foods to obliterate the taste) shouldn't be eaten. Yes, I'm talking about tripe. It's called offal for a good reason - it's awful.

2) Same goes for all internal organs. Steak and Kidney pie is nasty. Don't forget, the kidneys are excretory organs, meaning that they produce urine. When they are cooking, your house will smell like some stinky downtown Toronto alley. And then there's liver. It detoxifies animals and produces bile. Yuck.

3) And pigs tails, feet and ears, chicken feet, beaks, brains of any sort, and any type of animal eyeball, even if rumoured to be a brain food, will never touch my lips.

4) And, cow noses, lips and anuses (and if you are paying attention, that rules out most hot dogs, even the so-called all-beef ones). There is no question that ground up cow lips and a wee bit of cow anus tastes fantastic when topped with ketchup and other delicious condiments. But, when you think about it, it's a putrid mess that isn't fit for even the most ravenous of carnivores.

Technorati Tags: food

Fatherly Advice

As a young man, I received two pieces of fatherly advice (well, two pieces that I can remember). They are:

1) Don't work in a factory;
2) 5 Minutes per side and then build up

Yes, every summer, I got the 5 minutes per side sun tanning lecture. He wasn't trying to stop me from sun tanning; he wanted me to get my pale hide into the sun and get some colour. So, start off with 5 minutes per side and then build up until I would be a wrinkled, red, old man with skin cancer, just like him. I avoided the sun, except for that one summer I spent on a beach actively trying to get a tan.

I remember the day my dad got his first Speedo. I was 13 or 14 and I watched my dad emerge from his bedroom and say (for some reason, these words are forever etched into my brain):

"I can barely fit into these, and I'm not sure if I'm bragging or complaining." Soon, he was seen rolling up the Speedo to expose his white butt. That was bad, but things got a lot worse then he bought a thong. "Sun my buns" became the new catch phrase. As a man in his early 70s, he can still be seen wearing the Speedo. I am certain that, for him, the Speedo was the most important invention in the history of civilization.

Technorati Tags: father, sun tanning, speedo

Men's Rooms

Kinda gross: proceed with caution

Since I am on the general topic of Gross, I thought I would discuss the state of men's bathrooms. They are disgusting. I am not talking about the washrooms found in parks and other public gathering places -- I gather those are a no-go zone for most sane men and women. I am talking about men's washrooms is places like bars and restaurants and cinemas and malls and on university campuses.

Many women I have spoken with assure me that female bathrooms in these places are horrible, but, I can't imagine that you will find urine on the toilet seats in a women's bathroom. Please correct me if I am wrong. You see, some men will not lift the seat, perhaps because they feel that if they touch the seat, they will develop an incurable disease or maybe syphilis or herpes or whatever. Instead, they piss on the seat, without a thought for whomever might want to use the toilet after them.

Men leave toilet paper on the floors, draped over the seat (half in the water, half out of the water). Some defecate on the seat and the floor. I have seen feces smeared on the stalls. I have seen paper towels stuffed into the toilet, broken beer bottles on the floor and in urinals.

And, more and more, I have noticed that there are some men who will not turn off the tap. At least he washed his hands, I think, but it took me a while to figure out why these idiots leave the water running. It occurred to me that they do not want to touch the tap, after they have washed their hands, for fear of contacting an incurable disease or maybe syphilis or herpes or whatever. Men are pigs (except me of course).

Technorati Tags: washrooms, men

B.O.

I'm not sure if it's the hot weather or maybe it's the areas I hang out in, but I have to say that some people in Toronto stink. All too frequently, I have walked into the putrid wake of someone on the sidewalks and in the malls of this city. The stench is occasionally so bad, I feel like passing out. I have met some skunks that smelled better. Briefly, I considered that maybe the people behind the blog Dating Help for Men (an idiotic blog that I have mentioned before) are on to something. Clearly, some people do not bathe and have very poor personal hygiene. It's either that, or they fail to wash their clothes.

And then there's overpowering perfume. That is less frequent, to my nose anyway. Something else that bothers my sensitive nose is the super-fragrant bathroom deodorizers one encounters in restaurants and bars. That also makes me sick, and I think that the actual smell would be much easier to take. Well, I guess that depends.

Technorati Tags: B.O., body odour

Portrait of my Other Brother as a Young Man: a sequel to Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man

When I was 5 years old my brother ran away from home. The police car idled in the driveway and I wondered if I could ask the policeman to turn on the siren. But then, my mother ran back into the house crying and the I heard the policeman say that if they brought him back, he would just leave again because he was 15 and the police knew what they were talking about. I learned later that my mother had flushed the LSD she found in his room.

The next time I saw him, he didn't recognize me. At 18, he had a pregnant girlfriend, a broken needle in the palm of his hand, from an injection gone bad, and a beat up electric guitar. He told me about flashbacks and angel dust while he played along with the songs on the radio. He could play Alice Cooper's I'm 18: " I got a baby's brain and an old man's heart, took eighteen years to get this far. Don't always know what I'm talkin' about. Feels like I'm livin' in the middle of doubt"

And, I remembered another Alice Cooper song, from the albums he left behind:

I ran into my room
And I fell down on my knees
Well, I thought that fifteen
Was gonna be a breeze
I picked up my guitar
To blast way the clouds
But somebody in the next room yelled
"You gotta turn that damn thing down"

In the morning, the police called. I sat in the back seat on the ride to the police station where I saw my brother. He didn't speak. The sound of handcuffs locking around wrists is exactly as it is on television. Everyone knows that ratchet sound of the lock squeezing tighter and tighter. I didn't know what trafficking was. I didn't know where the jail was. I never knew how long he stayed locked up.

I thought his girlfriend looked out of place carrying a giant paper bag with a colourful smiling Santa Claus printed on one side and "Merry Christmas" scripted in red on the other. In the dust kicked up by our tires, I could see her belly and her thumb in the air as she tried to hitch a ride to somewhere in the hot summer air.

(read part two)

Technorati Tags: brother, family history

Lessons from my Sister

This post is kind of an interlude between Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man and a yet-to-be-written post, Portrait of my Other Brother as a Young Man. Without her, I am not sure when I would have learned three essential life skills. She taught me:

1) to blow bubbles (with bubble gum)
2) to snap (the sound produced by rapid movement of a finger from the thumb tip to the base of the thumb)
3) to whistle

And, she showed me a tampon long before I even knew what menstruation was - although I never had any use for one, being a guy. One night, when she was babysitting my brother (the one you already know about) and me, she submerged it in water so that we could see it grow.

Let's see, what else? I had my first cigarette with her. Smoking didn't take, but my brother (the one you already know about) became addicted almost immediately and, as a pre-teen, was given the nickname "Puffer."

For my 16th birthday she, along with her boyfriend, presented me a book as a gift, the only time, it should be noted, that she ever gave me a book. It was: Xaviera's Supersex: Her Personal Techniques for Total Lovemaking by Xaviera Hollander. It's like the Joy of Sex without the class.

This is all true.

Technorati Tags: sister, family history

I Wanna be a Hilton

From NBC: "Everyone's heard of the Hiltons, especially daughters Paris and Nicky, but what would it take to actually live like them?" I have an answer: act like an ass whenever possible and if that doesn't work, show your ass to any camera that is pointed your way. Of course, it would help to release a porn film of yourself first. In short, just whore yourself out to the media.

Reality TV has gone too far.

Since we are on the topic, I have a few ideas for reality TV series I'd like to see:

1) Surgeon for a Day - for people with no medical training at all (hosted by Jeff Probst)
2) The Intern - sort of like the Apprentice, but the winner gets to be President Bush's personal intern (hosted by Monica Lewinsky)
3) Prison Guard Survivor - half are guards; the other half are prisoners. I see a prison break or riot to the death (hosted by Martha Stewart)
4) The Cosmetologist - search for the best makeup artist (hosted by Tammy Fay Baker)
5) American Mime - the best mime artists battle it out for the imaginary crown(hosted by Joe Rogan)

Technorati Tags: reality TV, TV, I want to be a Hilton

Cosmetics on the Go

Today, I saw a woman putting on her eye liner while walking down a busy Toronto street. Last week, I watched a woman apply mascara while driving her car. I have seen women applying lipstick, and that stuff that goes on the cheeks, while driving, but never mascara. That was new, and an accident waiting to happen. Besides, isn't it embarrassing to be seen applying makeup?

This reminded me that I once heard a woman state emphatically that no woman should be seen doing her makeup. I wondered if it was because makeup was a secret, you know, because back in the day only hookers wore makeup. Well, I am not sure if that is true, but I remember reading that in Victorian England, prostitutes wore cosmetics to appear obvious. So, is it that she thinks women just shouldn't be seen or does she think that women can hide the fact that makeup is in use?

There are those other women who say that a woman should never be seen without makeup, even by her husband. That means wearing makeup to bed. And that brings me to TV, where women are often seem wearing makeup in ridiculous situations, like crawling out of a ditch, when there are getting out of bed (really, do you know any women who wear makeup to bed?). I've even seen women getting out of the shower wearing makeup on TV.

Perhaps I shouldn't even comment on makeup, since I am a man and don't wear it.

Technorati Tags: cosmetics

Air Conditioning Sucks (most of the time)

Maybe it's because I spent my childhood sweating in summers, or maybe it's because air conditioning wasn't widely available back then - at least not in my hometown, or maybe it's bad experiences with over-air conditioning that makes me hate it.

Why is it that some buildings are so cold that, if it were winter, people would complain? No one would tolerate that extreme cold in winter. I can't even go to a movie in summer without adequate warning: I've been stuck in freezing theatres too often. I almost got frostbite once when I wore sandals to a movie (sandal-wearing is a recent development. It has taken years for me to feel comfortable exposing my toes in public). I walked around a large Texas city with a jacket just so I could combat the buildings that had been transformed into refrigerators, including the conference centre, which had an ice rink in the middle of it, right beside the Starbucks!

I always feel slightly sick after spending too much time in heavily air conditioned buildings. At work, I have to take sun breaks and I feel like a lizard lying on the pavement trying to raise my body temperature.

Just give me a fan and a cold drink and I'll be fine.

Technorati Tags: air conditioning

Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man

This post was inspired by Large Marge Hayes and a few posts at The Cynic Ward.

At age 15, my brother impregnated his 21-year-old girlfriend (ex-hooker; ex-junkie - or at least we thought she had moved on from soliciting and heroin). She took up a new line of work as a welfare mom. Don't get me wrong: I am not one of those conservative anti-welfare people. But, she clearly abused the system, and later, she abused her children.

This was in his pre-obesity phase, or his warming up to obesity phase, when he would consume one loaf of bread and half a jar of peanut butter every day after school. I think he admired a guy who lived around the corner from us. This man weighed at least 400 lbs and started every day with a case of 24 beers at his feet. In summer, he sat on a large wicker chair and downed them one at a time, never getting up to go to the bathroom, making me wonder if he had some sort of catheter system going. He rarely spoke and the kids would either tease him or watch him. Some tried to speak to him. My brother sat and chatted with him, but I have no idea what they talked about.

I think my brother admired this local freak show. If I had been entrepreneurial, I would have made an arrangement with this guy and sold tickets to his performance, which is sort of what it was. I should have built some sort of hut or got a circus tent for the backyard. I could have run pools on how much beer he could down and by what time of day. But, I am straying from my brother.

He got fat. He sought out the underbelly, and he fathered three children by the time he was 19 with a woman who encouraged him to steal, even from his family and from me. Eventually, her children were placed in foster care, when she and her new boyfriend were sent to prison.

Since then, he has held some essential jobs: gas jockey, slacker building superintendent who couldn't tighten a screw, and an overweight cab driver who can only walk with the help of a cane, or two. I still can't figure out how he gets in and out of the cab. I forgot to mention his hypochondria.

And that's the short story.

While the term redneck is not used where I come from, I think he has some of the characteristics.

Technorati Tags: brother, family history

I believe that:

1) any store selling trampolines should include a free camcorder and the address of America's Funniest Home Videos.

2) Tim Horton's soup in a bowl fabricated from bread is an abomination.

3) anyone I have ever met with a MBA manages to convey that detail within the first ten minutes of meeting them.

4) that until we have proven that we can treat this planet with respect, we should not colonize the moon, Mars, or any other planet.

5) Stephen Harper and George Bush would make a wonderful couple.

6) we will never really come up with viable alternative fuels until we run out of oil.

7) conservative blogs are boring.

8) U2 is over-rated.

9) the Fox Network has no idea what it is doing.

10) pharmaceutical companies are evil.

Technorati Tags: rants, miscellaneous

Another Question

A recent post by Meliors prompted me to ask this:

1) Do your parents (brothers, sisters, grand parents, aunts, uncles, etc.) read your blog? For the parents out there, do you read your children's blog?
2) If so, are you reading it secretly?

P.S. Happy birthday to my daughter (she's too young to read this).

Technorati Tags: blogging

Farting Redux

I know, I know, I said I would never write another post on farting, but I realize now that I was premature in killing this topic. I recalled today that I once envied my childhood friend, Gordie, because he could fart-on-demand. Conversations with him went something like:

me: "Gordie, fart."
Gordie farts

...later:
me: "Fart Gordie fart."
Gordie farts

...later:
me: "Fart again Gordie."
Gordie farts

I thought it was all fun and games until he came for a sleepover. Anyway, there is some fabulous stuff out there, like:

- Gone with the Wind: More Thoughts on Medieval Farting. A Liberman - Scandinavian Studies, 1996 (pdf). It's interesting and very academic.

- Unabridged Dictionary of Fart Slang

- Urban Dictionary: fart, farting ...

And let's not forget the Flatulence Filter. This ought to win an award for best invention ever. In fact, I plan on giving one to my mother.

OK, so maybe this will be my last farting post.

By the way, I am still looking for answers to my question about librarians (2 posts down). Have a look.

Technorati Tags: farting, flatulence

Child Labour in Toronto

This dude drove up my street with his three children running after the mini van, darting left then right and throwing bundles of flyers hither and yon. He bellowed at them to hurry up, to get moving, to pick up the pace. The kids ranged in ages from maybe 9 to 13 (it was hard to tell and I am useless at figuring out how old children old). The kids had to keep running back to the van to get more bundles from the open side door. I was amazed that he didn't drive over some little feet.

I know that many children choose to work, even some very young children, but this seemed wrong to me. Maybe I misread the situation, but I thought that this guy saw a good opportunity to make a quick buck at the expense of his (I think they were his) children. He acted like an impatient slave driver.

A few months back, I saw a similar situation. It was a woman with her daughter. They looked totally impoverished, but were delivering flyers from a shopping cart. Part of the problem is that these people are paid by the number of flyers they deliver, which explains why a childhood friend dumped hundreds of flyers near a river and collected pay for work he never did.

Technorati Tags: children, jobs

A Question

What do you think about when you hear or read the word Librarian? Be honest.

Technorati Tags: librarians

My Evil Quotient

I thought that Gematriculator was cool, until I realized that it only scans the first page of your blog and not the archives. OK, so it's still cool. At any rate, this is my result:



My March 2005 posts were 37% evil, while my March 2004 posts were 43% evil. What's up with March?

Technorati Tags: Gematriculator

Orchestrate This

The other day, I heard an orchestral version of Eleanor Rigby on CBC Radio Two. The world doesn't need that. Nor does it need the orchestral version of Tubular Bells or the orchestral Pink Floyd or the orchestral anything. I still remember that sinking feeling when I heard a musak version of Jethro Tull's Aqualung. Why can't they just leave the music as it is?

The exceptions might be Brian Eno's symphonic treatments of Bowie's Heroes and Low.

Technorati Tags: music

I've been Headhunted...I think

It could be a scam. I might reply and be told that I have to fork over a few grand as an up-front investment, but you never know. The funny thing is, I have received four "job offer" messages recently. Should I be suspicious?

Here's what tipped me off: the broken English that makes it sounds like that Nigerian fraud. One message told me that I simply need the following skills:

* Be able to check your email several times a day
* Be able to respond to emails immediately
* Be able to work overtime if needed
* Be responsible and hard working

I check my email continuously, even while sleeping. I often don't reply to email until days, and sometimes weeks, later. Overtime? Who needs it? I am neither responsible nor hardworking, but don't tell my boss.

Perhaps the most fascinating one was from a guy who wants me to work for his Lithuanian software company. I really don't see Lithuania as being on the cutting edge of software development. Nothing against Lithuania, I mean, they have a hard go of it, what with being in then out of the Russian Empire and then fighting with Poland over Vilnius.

I also got one of those crazy fraud emails from some dude with the unlikely name of Mr. Tang Karl Letian. Imagine being named after a famous drink?

My most recent guest post at Mister Anchovy. This double duty is wearing me down. Next time, I will levy a large fee :-)

Technorati Tags: spam

Professional Farting

My recent guest post on Mister Anchovy about Star Wars led, bizarrely, to a discussion about Lutefish and stinking shark meat. That, naturally -- and given my 14-year-old brain -- made me think of farting, or flatulence for the easily offended.

I was amazed to discover, in my inevitable Google search, an entry at Wikipedia on the Professional Farter. Wow, now here's something I learned about far too late in life. I could have been honing my skills from a much younger age. I can just imagine straining to achieve a B flat or an F major. I suppose chords are out of the question, unless you are in a choir of people with similar skills.

I have never known a Professional Farter, but I'd be happy to nominate a few individuals. I suppose I better not name names.

By the way, if you do a Google search for the phrase "professional farting," you get more that 550 results. Don't believe me? Try it yourself.

I promise never to make another farting post again.

Technorati Tags: flatulence, farting

Plastic Grass

Have you read about the synthetic lawn trend? This article gives a brief account. I have to get my two cents in on this one. It's not so much that I am opposed to fake grass: I am opposed to real and fake grass. There are better options. Keep reading and I'll give you my preferred choice.

I'll never understand the obsession with the perfect lawn. My neighbour is almost like Hank Hill, but without Hank's unintended humour. You could putt on his back yard. Spending that much time in pursuit of the perfectly-manicured lawn is stupid. It's an enormous waste of time. So, I offer my suggestion, one that really only has one downfall. I say, use sand.

Yes, if it were socially acceptable (and maybe it already is), I would turn my yard into a big sand box. This way, I could have impromptu games of beach volleyball (without the beach). I could build sand castles anytime I want to. You can relax without worrying about cutting the grass. Just stick a beach umbrella in the sand. It's like going to the beach without leaving home, except that there is no water, unless one gets a pool or a kiddie pool. As I am sure you can see, there are lots of possibilities.

On the downside, I am sure that the neigbourhood cats would use it as a giant litter box. Someone just needs to invent an anti-feline device.

PS: My latest guest post on Mister Anchovy.

Technorati Tags: plastic grass, grass

Parenthood

An actual conversation with my dad when I was 10 or 11:

Me: "I hate lima beans."
Dad: "Hate is a very strong word. I don't ever want to hear you say hate again."
Me: "I despise lima beans."
Dad: "That's better."

This is by way of saying that I worry that I am becoming my dad. I try not to over-analyze the things I say or do, or even the noises that I make (I yawned once and sounded exactly like my dad and I wondered if anti-depressants would be useful). I guess I just hope I am a good dad and never end up in a conversation like the one above, or this one, another real one from the same period:

Me (to my brother): "You're a pig."
Dad: "Hey, never call anyone a pig."
Me (to my brother): "You're a jerk."
Dad: "That's better."

P.S. My guest post on Mister Anchovy for today.

Technorati Tags: parenting

Guest Posting

I'll be making some guest posts over at Mister Anchovy during the next week, providing that I can think of something to post. He is on a fishing trip and has asked The Great White Bear and I to fill in. That should be fun as long as writer's block doesn't kick in.

Technorati Tags: guest posting

Eight Ponderables

1) Why would anyone knowingly eat edible petroleum products? You know, fake soft serve ice cream and that compressed faux whipped cream in a can.

2) Why would anyone drink the breast milk of a hairy 2000 pound animal? I'm talking 'bout milk, cow's milk that is and all of it's associated by-products, like frozen fat, I mean cream mixed with refined sugar and cottage cheese, which looks more like lumpy mucus.

3) If your girlfriend crosses the floor and joins the government, leaving your Alberta Party...I mean Reform Party...I mean Alliance Party...I mean CCRAP in the lurch, is your relationship over?

4) Why are Bridesmaid's dresses usually ugly? I think the Bride does this so that she looks better than her female friends.

5) Who invented the tuxedo and why? It's just an ugly thing.

6) I should like golf, being half Scottish and all, but I don't. I will admit that it is far more difficult than it looks and that playing it is immeasurably better than watching it, so I have to ask, why would anyone watch golf on TV? That has to be the most important question of the last 100 years.

7) There's a blog called Dating Help for Men. In a recent post, they have a "quick list of little things to look out for before you even attempt to go near a woman." These include such things like, oh, showering, brushing your teeth, using deodorant, etc. It seems to me that if you have to be reminded to do that, you don't deserve a girlfriend. Right?

8) What's the fascination with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings?

Technorati Tags: petroleum products, milk, relationships, bridesmaid's dresses, tuxedo, golf, Dating Help for Men, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings

DeLillo, DeLillo, DeLillo, and some other things

I wrote, in a previous post, that "Don DeLillo is, without question, the greatest living novelist." I am not really sure if that is true, but I can say that he is in my personal top 5. This was confirmed for me again after reading Cosmopolis, although I will say that I have enjoyed some of his other books better. His masterpiece, White Noise, is so complex that it is like reading an encrypted sociological treatise. Underworld is simply a novel about everything, a novel so completely formed that the first thing I wanted to do when I finished it was read it again. It is long, dense, and fascinating.

The trouble is, it is difficult to move on. After DeLillo, many novels seem anemic. I am hoping that David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas will not pale too much in comparison.

Fractured penis?

I thought it was all muscle. A man lost a court case against his ex-girlfriend when she fractured his penis during sex. Seriously, You can read about it here.

May 18th

Today is International day of the internet and International day of Museums, and Visit Your Relatives Day. Just thought you'd like to know.

Technorati Tags: Don DeLillo, Cosmopolis, reading, penis

Music Notes

I think it was on the drive back to the hospital to pick up mother and baby when I switched on the radio of the borrowed car, thanks to the neighbours across the street. The radio was already tuned to Q107 and so I decided to listen. It turns out that I was in the midst of the completely misnamed "80's Music That Doesn't Suck Classic Rock Weekend." Clearly, Q107 and I disagree on what music from the 80s sucked and what didn't.

Let me say that Queen's Another One Bites the Dust sucks with a capital S. For a moment, I felt like I was in a bizarro world, where everything bad was good. I had to change the station quickly, because the announcer promised that we would be subjected to KISS, from the unmasked era. Yikes. I also worried that they would play, inevitably, Van Halen's Jump, which I nominate as the song with the most infantile use of keyboards in musical history.

But that isn't the worst of the musical news. I was shocked and appalled to hear a The The song used in a Dockers TV commercial. I thought that only the dinosaurs were selling their songs. Frankly, I think it is far more fitting to hear Led Zeppelin selling Cadillacs. That makes sense to me.

This is the Day

Technorati Tags: radio, Q107, Queen, KISS, Van Halen, The The, Dockers, Led Zeppelin, Cadillac

This is Samuel. See previous post for details.

Technorati Tags: children, photos

He's here

Just a brief update. Samuel David is here. He was born on Friday the 13th at 3:58 PM, weighing in at 8lbs, 7oz. He was "born in the caul." Everyone is fine. Pictures later.

Technorati Tags: children

You are looking at the only baby picture of me in existence. My mother is about 85% certain it is me. After sifting through her photos, I think I agree: I am also 85% certain it is me. Being the fourth child has certain disadvantages. Photographic fatigue sets in, or maybe it's simply apathy.

I am reflecting on this on the day before I become a father for the second time. There will be an induction tomorrow, so the date seems certain. Other people with more than one child report a serious decline in photos taken of later children. I am making a mental note to keep the shutter moving, which shouldn't be hard, because I am interested in photography and have even taken some courses and spent much time in darkrooms.

The more important news is that I will be off work for the whole summer. And, while I don't expect posts to dry up completely, there may be fewer over the summer months. Oh, and I may even post some pictures.

Immediate concerns are:

1) training my four year old in the art of mixing gin and tonic
2) perfecting the art of secretly sleeping while sitting at the kitchen table
3) training my four year old in the art of making ice cold blender cocktails with rum
4) perfecting the art of sleepwalking, so that I can change diapers while sleeping
5) training my four year old in the art uncorking and serving wine
6) perfecting the art of sleeping while speaking to family and friends
7) training my four year old in the use of a barbecue, garden hose, and various gardening implements
8) perfecting the art of sleeping in the shower

I'll be in touch.

Technorati Tags: baby pictures, fatherhood, photos

More on Zombies & A Dream

Zombies

BBC News has reported that there has been a small outbreak of 'zombism' near the border of Laos in North-Eastern Cambodia that is caused by a new strain of malaria that has a 100% mortality rate. The report goes on to say:

"After death, this parasite is able to restart the heart of its victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believed to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during 'resurrection.'"

Wow. It's a good thing that I posted something about Zombies yesterday. I know what to do now.

A Dream

In other news, I had a very strange dream. I am reluctant to post any more dreams here, for fear that someone may be secretly psychoanalyzing me. If you are secretly psychoanalyzing me, please send me a full report on what you have found.

I have to report this dream because it is by far the most disturbing dream I have ever had. Continue reading only if you think you can handle the shocking details. I dreamt that I won tickets to Cavalia. The alarming part is that I accepted the tickets. In reality, I would have laughed at the idea. One would have to pay me very large sums of money to sit through that &^%$. Even more horrible is the fact that when I went to the show, I discovered that it was 35 hours long! I had to endure 35 hours of Cavalia! That's a whole work week. Thankfully, I woke up at that point.

I wonder what it means.

Technorati Tags: zombies, zombism, Cambodia, dreams, Cavalia

You Can Outrun a Zombie

Weekend viewing included The Night of the Living Dead (from 1968).



I learned that zombies (although they are referred to as ghouls, not zombies, in the film) move very very slowly. You can outrun them, probably outwalk them, and, if that fails, beat them about the head with a stick. They fight so ponderously that any failed boxer or average street pugilist could take them is one round. Oh, and if you're lucky enough to have a gun, just aim for the head. A few stones or rocks hurled their way might also slow them down, not that they really need to be slowed down any more.

That seems simple enough. Zombies suck...I mean bite. It goes without saying that you should not permit one to bite you. Whack it on the nose if it gets too close.

Perhaps later zombie films portray the living dead differently, but in this one, I really didn't see much danger. Of course, if you're scared speechless, and end up in some sort of stupor, you might have a problem.

I did appreciate the decidedly non-Hollywood ending. I hate to spoil the ending for you, but let's face it, this movie has been out for 37 years. Let me just say that happy endings, where everything turns out peachy, are far too common.

Technorati Tags: zombies, movies, Night of the Living Dead

"Gorgeous hair is the best revenge" - Ivana Trump

I was strolling on Edward Street, on my way to the misnamed World's Biggest Bookstore, when I heard a woman ask if I could spare any change. I had no change (honestly) and no bills (honestly - I was headed for the bank next). I shook my head and said "no."

"You have great hair," she said. Honestly. Now, my hair is looking fabulous: it has had a recent cut and so there is no more waking up looking like Gene Wilder, no more worries that the wind will whip up my hair, making me look like Daniel Richler. No worries that someone will shout out:

"Comb down his hair. Look, look! it stands upright,
Like lime-twigs set to catch my winged soul."

But the fact is that my hair is far too short to be great. I'm thinking that Tony Manero had great hair. Leon Trotsky had great hair. John Lennon had great hair. And then there's Albert Einstein, Divine, Dolly Parton, Jon Bon Jovi, Don King - they had/have great hair. Not me. I have seriously average hair.

"When you see fair hair
Be pitiful."

Technorati Tags: hair

Some Age Milestones

In other words, when I started to feel old.

1) When the Playboy Centerfolds starting becoming younger than me (oh yeah, they were my dad's copies).

2) Every time I have to start checking off a different age category (18-24, 25-29, 30-34....) in surveys, etc.

3) When I finally matched my salary to my age in thousands.

4) When I got to be the age my brother was when he ran away from home.

5) When my parents retired.

6) When I visited my high school web page and discovered that 99% of the teachers I knew are no longer there.

7) When I visited the history department's web page at my undergrad school and found that 80% of the faculty I knew have retired.

8) When my grandmother turned 85.

9) When I had a child.

10) When I realized that I can no longer remember more that three or four names (including mine) in childhood class pictures.

11) When I calculated that my parents got married 50 years ago.

12) When I calculated how long ago I graduated from high school, my undergrad, and grad degrees.

13) When I said "thank God, I'm glad that's over" while cycling past U of T students waiting to write exams outside a gymnasium.

14) When I found my first grey hair.

15) When my dad bought red pants.

16) When someone told me that they have known me for a quarter of a century.

17) When I hurt my back lifting a BBQ and it has never been the same since.

18) When my doctor decided that a PSA test was required.

19) When I go downstairs to get something and forget what it is and then go back upstairs and remember and then go back downstairs and forget and then go back upstairs and remember and then go back downstairs and forget ...

And that's just for starters.

Technorati Tags: aging

International Man of Mystery

I am fairly sure that my father does not read my blog, so I feel secure in passing along a humorous anecdote. By the way, if you know my father, please do not tell him about my blog. I'll be pissed.

OK, so a while back (and I can't really remember when) my dad showed me his business card. He is retired, and so he printed some cards on the computer. I took the card from him and read, beneath his name:

Amateur Wine Maker, World Traveler, and Art Collector

By my unscientific count, there are at least three things wrong with that, but I'll stick to the obvious. Sure, he makes wine (you know, those boxes you get at Sam's Club - add yeast and go!); he likes to travel to the Caribbean annually, if he can; and, he has a penchant for wildlife prints (you know, Bateman and the like). He has no appreciation for the more abstract things in life.

So, it got me thinking that I should create a business card that represents my fantasy alter ego. I just have to figure out what that is. I'll take suggestions.

By the way, you know that the low carb food craze has gone too far when a restaurant starts to market a 15 pound hamburger called the Beer Barrel Belly Buster. Well, I suppose you'd have to hold the bun if you wanted the low carb option.

Technorati Tags: father, food

That Sucks

I waited until the last minute and found out that I owe the government about $520 in taxes! I have never had an employer that has ever managed to deduct enough tax, and so I am always left having to pay something at the end of the year. That sucks. So, I am thinking of taking PayPal donations right here, but I fear no one would contribute. Would you?

Speaking of taxes, why hasn't the government created an easy and free way to file your taxes? Surely in the online era, they could create an online form where you pop in your data (much like those online tax services) and click. But, I guess this would put a lot of people out-of-work. That sucks.

Speaking of taxes, the right wing attack on the "tax and spend"' liberals is getting a little old. Yesterday's National Post editorial cartoon was Tweedle Tax and Tweedle Spend. The Tories seem to have forgotten that it was they who brought in the GST. They suck.

Technorati Tags: income tax, taxes

Rhinotillexomania and Best of Zydeco Fish, 2004 (by request)

I swear that guy on Bay Street waiting for the bus and reading the National Post was digging deeper than any man has ever gone. Shocking, it was. If you have no idea what I am talking about, look up rhinotillexomania.

And now, because I was asked why I didn't summarize 2004, like 2003 (read it), here it is:

Ah, 2004. I wrote nothing in April or May, thinking that I would abandon the blog forever. But, in June, I brought this blog back from the brink. Here are a few pieces that are worthy of re-reading. You decide.

Downloading Music Sucks - I thought so then; I think so now.
The Worst Song - it was tough, but I have the answer.
Kinsey - not a movie review.
Lost in the Supermarket - on MP3 players and cabbage.
Just Say No - to the Free Flu Shot. Seriously.

Technorati Tags: zydeco fish, blogging, retrospective, 2004, rhinotillexomania

Tonka Man

A colleague surreptitiously left this on my desk a while back. I have never really figured out why.

Why is it that the Blogger spell checker (yes, the one for blogs hosted by Blogger) does not contain the words blogger, blog, blogs, blogging, or blogspot?

I had a disappointing apple at lunch today. It is hard to describe the crestfallen feeling I get when, instead of a crunch, I get that spongy apple texture.

Apologies to all of you Dr. Who fans out there, but I tried to watch the new Dr. Who and I really think it sucked. I'll admit that I did not see any of the original episodes, save a few seconds here or there, so maybe that has something to do with it. Or, maybe it was just a bad episode. The good news it that I have avoiding adding another hour of TV viewing to my schedule.

Have a great weekend.

Technorati Tags: Tonka, Blogger, Dr. Who, apples

Blogging Etiquette

I am still trying to decide if I like Blogosphere or World Live Web better. But, that is besides the point.

Do you ever feel like you are an intruder when you read a blog? I visit many blogs and comment on some. But, there are times when I feel I have trespassed on a private conversation, albeit one held in public. Maybe it's a group of friends who routinely comment back and forth on each other's blogs. In any event, I often feel that posting a comment would be an invasion. What do you think of that?

That's all I have today.

Technorati Tags: blogging, etiquette

Thoughts, Comments, and Questions for Today

1) Stephen Harper does not have Prime Ministerial hair. And, it's my firm belief that he looks like a Husky.

2) Why hasn't someone invented a product that stops one's hair from growing. You know, so that it goes into stasis?

3) BlogTO is better than Metroblogging Toronto; Torontoist is better than BlogTO.

4) Memo to Jack Layton: shave off your moustache.

5) Seinfeld was the best television show, ever.

6) Survivor is better than Gilligan's Island.

7) Why do certain phrases go into disuse. Like, whatever happened to 'awesome' and 'let's blow this popsicle stand'?

8) IMHO, Charles is fit to be Queen...I mean King.

9) Why would anyone buy a PT Cruiser?

10) Yes, I'd like to go to the moon.

11) The Hubble should be saved.

12) If Bruce Cockburn ran for elected office, I would vote for him.

13) I don't miss hockey

14) I thought I would have been 'discovered' by now. I thought I'd be walking down the street some day and hear someone say "look at those jowls!" I'd be cast immediately.

15) Leaf blowers are stupid.

16) I use the Oxford Comma.

Technorati Tags: questions, comments, thoughts

Best of Zydeco Fish, 2003 (because I forgot to do this at the end of 2003)

In the shower this morning, dealing with enough shampoo for ten men - I just had a haircut and took way too much - I had this idea. It's a recap, sort of.

Zydeco Fish, the blog, was born on Friday July 11, 2003. Zydeco Fish was the title of one of the first poems I had published. It's about a rebel fish who upsets the order of the oceans. Well, that's my memory of it.

Although I have kept a journal for years (more about that), I wasn't writing as much in it as I had been. So, I decided to start blogging and I decided that I wanted to be anonymous, thinking that I would be provocative and fairly uncensored, like one would be in a personal journal. That never happened. Zydeco Fish seemed like a good alter ego and cover. Now, a few people know who I really am.

So, I thought I'd review the six months of the blog, from July to December 2003. That's easy since I posted nothing in December and very little overall.

Here are some posts I like from that period. Oh, and most can't be commented on because I didn't have comments turned on and then I started using Haloscan and then switched to Blogger.

Hey Homo! - Sesame Street and subliminal messaging
Love You Forever makes me puke - a vicious attack on a children's classic
Arthur Koestler - a review of Arthur Koestler: The Homeless Mind by David Cesarini
The Decline of Radio - a lament on the state of North American radio

And, my favourite post was simply: " Leaf blowers are stupid." Trust me, they are.

P.S. My fly was down during the whole of my cycle in this morning.

Technorati Tags: zydeco fish, blogging, retrospective, 2003

Cannibalism and You

Did you know that Japanese researchers have inserted a gene from the human liver into rice so that the rice can "digest pesticides and industrial chemicals"? Two years ago, it was revealed that Chinese scientists were experimenting with genetically-modified crops using human genes. Now, in mid-west USA, experiments are underway with GM crops that are intended to help fight diseases. These also contain human genes. Those who follow the GM debate are aware that there is little way to prevent contamination with conventional crops. Roundup Ready (tm) Canola has found its way into regular Canola and unapproved GM corn has shown up in stores.

Applied Phytologics Incorporated, an American corporation, has produced a GM rice crop containing proteins identified as human lactoferrin and human lysozyme, commonly found in breast milk, bile and tears. I am going to be sick. Would eating any of this make you a cannibal?

Technorati Tags: GMOs, genetically-modified organisms

My Daughter's Toy Iron

Another from my recent colour series (prev pic in this series).

I just love this picture. Do you?

Camera: Nikon FM; 50mm f1.8 lens
Lighting: Tungsten
Film: Kodak Professional Portra 100T
© 2004 Zydeco Fish

Technorati Tags: photography, colour photography, toys

A Lunchtime Walk

Music World (a generally lame-ass store) has an inventory clear-out sale that seems only to apply to about 3 dozen DVDs. So much for that. But, I noticed that MW classified Leonard Cohen's latest Disc as "adult contemporary." I wonder what Leonard would think of that? I have reviewed that CD (briefly) and concluded that he might be getting old. Anyway, he is launching a world wide tour, so that is good news. Oh, and a new book from Lenny is on the way. So, that is more good news.

Back out on Yonge Street, I passed a guy standing over his little shitty boom box (remember when these were called ghetto blasters?). It seemed that he was bent on adding to the general noise pollution. Stairway to Heaven was blaring as I walked by. I couldn't conceive of a reason for him to be standing there offering distorted music as if he was proselytizing the passersby to the joys of Led Zeppelin. I wonder if he was pissing off the Dundas & Yonge bagpiper. It was sort of like stereo wars, but only one guy had a minor stereo.

HMV has a sale. No, this one is not the misnamed Biggest Sale Ever, which happens with alarming frequency, and it is always disappointing. They have a whack of CDs for $4.99. Trouble is, I can't imagine anyone wanting any of them, unless you are into the top hits from 1978 or, bizarrely, need a copy of a BTO CD or perhaps a b-list classical recording.

And this unrelated thought:

Although the new Pope has two rather unfortunate nick names (God's Rottweiler and Panzerkardinal), I have to say that I am mildly jealous, for I am notoriously difficult to nick name.

Technorati Tags: Music World, Leonard Cohen, Yonge & Dundas, HMV, Pope

A Mixture of Things

One)

It was one of those meetings where the question "where do you see yourself in ten years" came up. I wanted to say that I hoped to win a lottery and that I would be indulging my materialistic and hedonistic fantasies in several parts of the globe. You know: cars, houses, condos, toys, devices, useless things, objets d'art, travel, wine & chocolate for breakfast, wearing a silk dressing gown all day, a maid & butler service, a chauffeur, a live-in masseuse, parrots, things made of precious metals, jacuzzis, did I mention electronic thingys?, video phones, bean bag chairs, a pear tree, and cherries any time I want.

Instead, I gave a vague answer. "Oh, I don't really know. I'm just trying to do the best job I can in my current job." It seems I'm on someone's list as a candidate for a job no one wants.

Two)

This reminds me of Star Wars (for some reason). Qatar is replacing boy camel jockeys with robots. Yes, you read that right. In all seriousness, these child jockeys are really slaves. So, instead of using small willing people, Qatar did the obvious thing: they switched to robots. All riders will be robots by 2007.

Three)

Believe it or not, April 20th is Look Alike Day. (Yesterday was garlic day; tomorrow is kindergarten day). I'm looking forward to Friday, 'cause it's National Jelly Bean Day. Oh, and April 30th is Hairstyle Appreciation Day. Seems like a good day for a haircut. Of course, these days have American origins. I want to know if there's a bacon day.

Technorati Tags: job, camel racing, robots

The Godfather of Figure Skating



In my dream last night, the world (and I) found out that Neil Young is an accomplished figure skater. I was present, at ice level, for his return to the sport after his recent aneurism. What I appreciated about Neil, the figure skater, was that he challenged the conventions of dress: he dressed in denim. There were no sequins, no frills, nothing shiny or white or ruffled. It was just rustic worn denim with skates that had a distictive dusty cowboy look. He was unshaven with mutton chop sideburns. The trouble was, the crowd did not cooperate.

They banged on the boards, chanting "Neil, Neil, Neil." He required quiet, and the crowd wasn't listening. I began to worry that he would not perform, that he would not skate. I woke up or my dreams moved on to other territory.

So, that's how the Godfather of Grunge became the Godfather of Figure Skating.

Although this was a weird dream, it is less weird than my Lou Reed Dream, I think.

Technorati Tags: Neil Young, dreams, figure skating

Kill The Goat

So, I was cycling north on Yonge Street on Friday night, minding my own business, feeling the spring in my flowing mane of hair - I really do need a cut - and getting pissed at the peds who step off the curb because they either assess traffic conditions with their ears or they don't care if they get hit by a bike. It happened once to me: a pedestrian didn't even bother to look and I veered but still hit her.

And then, just as I had passed a guy who thrust himself right in front of me, some dude let go a belch that sounded like it came from the bowels of hell. I could feel it, stopped breathing so that I wouldn't taste it or breathe any of it in. No sooner had I overcome that trauma when I saw and heard another guy make an obnoxious horking noise (I know, hork is not a nice word). It was so loud that I thought he had snorted his nose into his throat. In a panic, I swerved just as his head turned towards the road and a wad of stuff came flying and landed on the road beside me. I had flashbacks to Montgomery Burns spitting out a chunk of the three-eyed fish. It all happened in slow motion.

At that point, I realized that one thing could have been added to this outstanding post (The Difference Between Men and Women) over at Kill The Goat. Women don't usually belch and spit in public, or at least not with the pleasure it seems to give men.

Technorati Tags: Kill the Goat, cycling, Yonge Street, gender differences

Blogger sucks (sometimes)

I just typed a longish and maybe funny post, and then lost it. Some server error toasted it. I am not happy right now.

Technorati Tags: Blogger

Taken near Dupont & Dovercourt, Summer 2003
© 2003 Zydeco Fish.

Technorati Tags: photography, Dupont & Dovercourt

Remember the Cold War?

This is part of an advertisement from 1965. Note the spy theme. There's a camera, deceptively described as "Instant Photography." Yeah, right.

I love those two nifty anti-spy gadgets. There's the Secret Agent 0/0/9 - "Enemy aliens, spies and subversive characters, your days are numbered" - and the cunningly-devised Secret Sam Spy-Catching Kit, which comes with a camera, rifle attachment, pistol, silencer, periscope, and message missile. It's not hard to tell that the Cuban Missile Crisis happened three years before this advertisement was printed.

I guess I am feeling nostalgic today.

Technorati Tags: spy toys

Battle of the Alarm Clocks

1) Clocky, the Robotic Alarm Clock

A grad student at MIT has created a robotic alarm clock - called Clocky - that runs away and hides after it goes off, so that one cannot hit the snooze button. Gauri Nanda, the inventor, said: "It is programmed to tell the motors to move randomly, to generate random speeds and directions so that the clock ends up in a new place every day."

I have to say that the most perplexing thing to me is why a graduate student would go to such lengths to get out of bed. Having been there, I would say that being a grad student is a good excuse for sleeping. Anyway, I have this theory that there is little one can do to rouse an oversleeper. So, I imagine that people will keep hard objects near their beds to hurl at the clock, and may even purchase shotguns to hunt it down with.

2) SleepSmart, the Smart Alarm Clock

In other alarm clock news, grad students at Brown University have invented a clock - called SleepSmart - that wakes people during their lightest sleep cycle. This one was invented by Eric Shashoua. One must wear a headband with electrodes that then passes sleep cycle information wirelessly to the clock. They say: "By using SleepSmart, you will never wake up feeling tired again."

I am not sure if this qualifies as an alarm clock. Apparently, you program it to wake you by a certain time, but what happens if you do not enter a light sleep cycle by that time?

My Analysis

I feel we are diverting too much attention to devices that get us out of bed. What we really need to do is figure out how we can do our jobs from our beds or while we are sleeping. I have really good ideas at night, honest.

Technorati Tags: alarm clocks, Clocky, SleepSmart

Self Portrait #4 (OK, just kidding)

Knoop (from a recent colour series)
Camera: Nikon FM; 50mm f1.8 lens
Lighting: Tungsten
Film: Kodak Professional Portra 100T
© 2004 Zydeco Fish

I do not like clowns.

Technorati Tags: photography, colour photography, clowns, Knoop

Keyword Obsession

I'll admit that I am fascinated by knowing which keyword searches brought people to this blog. I have posted twice on this (once; twice). Why, for example, do you think that two people were searching for web sites with the phrase "Decapitated Rabbit"? If you do a Google search on Kool Moo Dee, I have two of the top five hits? Clearly, he has sunk into total oblivion. And, I can't even take credit for the hits: the guy's name appears in a comment submitted by a reader.

The real lesson is that I ought to take the hint and start a new website or websites catering to some of the searchers' keen interests. Those appear to be Sagittarius traits, the most common keyword used, followed by cheatinghousewifeservices. I have two clear paths ahead of me now.

By the way, some of the others searches were:

01) tv twenty minute workout
02) grecce mp3
03) CBC commentary when perdita Felicien fell at the 2004 olympic games
04) marineland jingle
05) zydeco bittorrent
06) listen canadian tire "i'll start with you
07) leonard cohen nobel
08) www smoothy street fights
09) "beatrice ardisson"
10) "edna mode rules"
11) Pontiac "Say that I want you"
12) "say that i want you" pontiac
13) Review "Going to New Orleans" Charles Tidler
14) wakefield brewster 2005
15) pholde arc review
16) shane wiebe spare tire
17) you and i were meant to fly
18) "human harp"
19) Icefields the novel

Technorati tags: web searching, keywords

Questions for a Monday

1) Why is Train 48 still on-the-air?.

2) Wouldn't it be cool if people had tails?

3) For the guys who wear y-fronts, do you use the specially- designed access point, or simply lift Mr. Johnson over the waistband?

4) Someone please tell me why one entry door of some buildings is often locked when there are double doors? Why have two doors if you are going to keep one locked? The people exiting have to negotiate with the people entering, and it just slows everything down

5) Isn't it a good thing, from an aesthetic point of view, that Charles and Camilla never had children?

6) Why, when I get an average of 38 page loads per day, have I only ever received a maximum of 8 comments?

7) Why does it please me immensely that Tiger Woods won the Masters, especially given that I am not even a golf fan?

8) Why have the Tories, according to the Toronto Star, surged ahead? I mean, if you are upset with the Liberals and the AdScam thing, I understand, although I think it''s a little overblown. But, why run to the Tories? This is a party that opposes gay marriage and freedom of choice. Stephen Harper is perhaps the most right wing federal party leader this county has ever seen. We don't need a Bush disciple. Remember, Harper would have sent our troops to Iraq.

9) Have you ever thought of changing your name and, if so, to what?

10) What else should I have asked?

Technorati Tags: questions

Star Trek: The New Voyages

Well, it seems that everyone is talking about Star Trek these days, even those people who claim to hate it. Just as we are saying goodbye to the mediocre Enterprise, I found out about the New Voyages. I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. The acting is marginally better than that found in pornographic movies, but not quite as good as that of the original series. I suppose that, for what it is, the acting is entirely suitable. I'll avoid a long discourse on casting and other finer points, mostly because I bailed after the first act of one episode. Perhaps I can just pose a question. What the hell is up with Kirk's hair?

Technorati Tags: Star Trek, New Voyages