Monday, April 30, 2007

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
I will not celebrate meaningless mi

OK, so for whatever it's worth - and that's probably not much - I would like to announce or point out or draw your attention to the fact that this is post #500. Big deal, you say. So do I. Of course, if I had posted with any kind of regularity, I would have reached this meaningless milestone ages ago, maybe years ago. Instead, I am reaching this magic number 4 years in.

I am not suggesting that there are 500 good posts here, simply that there are 500 posts. Sure, some suck and should never have been published. There are far too many posts that are simply apologies for not posting. There are those insidious posts that manage only to say that I have nothing to say. There are a few posts that announce I am ill. And, worst of all, the posts that repeat the message that I am ill and add absolutely nothing of substance. I should have subtracted them, and kept a real tally of real posts, but the mathematics of this proved too much for me, and so I am simply relying on the Blogger stats, which may be wrong.

There are 30 posts I consider to be my favourites. There are dozens that should be recycled, and a few phrases I would like to put on a t-shirts and sell at overly-inflated prices.

To celebrate this meaningless milestone, there will be gluten-free cake and decaf coffee at 2:00 pm.

Thanks for the get well soon comments. They worked and I am, at last, well, but not well enough to write a real post.

Comment moderation remains on: to see why, read these posts: one, two, three, four.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Still Ill

Yeah, it' sort of like the Smiths song. I am still feeling terrible. This is day three of fever, chills, headaches, etc. This is really horrible. I am beginning to think it is the flu.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

Je suis malade aujourd'hui

I've come down with something: I have a fever, chills, etc.

The only thing I can report on, before going back to bed, is that I watched The Last Samurai during the weekend. I think Tom looks way too modern to play that role. He seemed completely miscast.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Rural Childhood, or Death by Automobile

I always chuckle when I remember a friend's recollection that half of his kindergarten class ended up in jail, not as kids, mind you, but later, when they had reached jailing age. It's quite a statistic.

My favourite story is the one in which a certain twin (I am not sure what the other twin was up to that day) tried to rob a convenience store with a garden rake. He had a difficult time even with the rake, for he had lost both thumbs in a motorcycle accident, and had a difficult time wielding the rake without opposable digits. I think the police managed to subdue him quickly and efficiently, before he was able to injure anyone.

That this guy was arrested has always pleased me, for my most enduring memory of him was that he fell in front of me during a cross-country skiing race in grade 8 and used his ski poles to try and trip me. That will never happen again, mostly because I haven't gone skiing recently, but I think a lack of thumbs might make skiing problematic.

One of my recollections of youth in a small town is friends and acquaintances lost in automobile accidents. I have a big list, starting with a major crash between our small town and the next. I think that three of five of the the passengers died in that crash, which was fueled by high speed and drugs. It ended in the destruction of the car and a tree. Seat belts were not really enforced back then.

Over the years, I lost a few more friends, like Callan and Philip and Leon, but these were, I think, sober accidents, the kind that might happen on open rural highways with fast cars. I am not sure if these stats are the result of lax drinking and driving laws at the time, or from excessive speed on rural roads, or from the fact that a driver's license was a requirement of life in rural areas. We needed licenses to get out of town or to transport ourselves to parties where we could drink and try to pick up chicks. Of course, I did not drink and drive, but I did accept rides from those who had too much to drink. That was a bad scene, and I am happy that I made it out alive.

Comment moderation remains on: to see why, read these posts: one, two, three, four.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

I've tried compiling a list of adjectives to describe this film. Here are a few: juvenile, stupid, moronic, disappointing, ridiculous, dumb, boring, idiotic. Should I go on?

I can laugh at humour that is not politically-correct. I can laugh at dumb stunts, like Jackass. I can laugh at weak non-intellectual comedy. But, Borat simply stinks.

The fact is that most of the humour is cruel. I was amazed to learn that most of the scenes were not staged, making this seem extra cruel.

I really wish that Sacha Baron Cohen would have used a fictional country, rather than Kazakhstan. I am sure that had he done so, few people would have even noticed that the country was fictitious, and he wouldn't have slandered an entire nation.

So, there is plenty of low ball bathroom humour, but this is not brilliant film making. It is appallingly stupid.

I am off to the dentist to have my new crown installed. Later.

Comment moderation remains on: to see why, read these posts: one, two, three, four.

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Monday, April 16, 2007

Virginia Tech

Shocking news from Virginia Tech today. I am left wondering what it will take to finally convince lawmakers to make some serious changes to gun control legislation. It stands to reason that if you make the acquisition of guns far more difficult, there will be less violent crime and, hopefully, fewer incidents like this. I strongly believe that the right to keep and bear arms should not be entrenched in the US - or any other - Constitution.

Comment moderation remains on: to see why, read these posts: one, two, three, four.

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Saturday, April 14, 2007

Comment Moderation is Now On

Apologies to all of the nice and friendly people who read and comment on my blog. I've been forced to enable comment moderation because I am being stalked by a small-brained Neo-Nazi from Australia. I personally feel that this unwanted attention is bordering on a criminal act, since I have repeatedly asked him to desist. Unfortunately, he continues to leave comments on my blog that are anti-gay, racist and - quite frankly - idiotic, nonsensical, grammatically-incorrect, mean, and boring.

So, he can continue to live out his hateful fantasies on his blog. He can continue to lie about the fact that I comment on his blog. I have no interest in his blog, do not visit it, and certainly do not comment on it. One day, when this stalker is dead, I will open up comments to all without moderation.

Please don't let this stop you from commenting. I am only filtering out the biggest asshole on the web.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Work & a Dream

I'd really like to post something interesting today, but I have to work on a (mercifully short) presentation for an upcoming conference. And then there is the other conference presentation, but it can wait, as it is several months away. And then there is that article I am supposed to be writing - two actually - but I have been stricken with an odd feeling of disinterest that might have been encouraged by lengthy periods of procrastination and ambivalence.

I have a cold too, and that always serves to kill the energy. If only I could build some sort of bed under my desk, Like George Costanza did on Seinfeld, things would be so much better.

So, all I can offer is this: I only remember bits of the dream, but it centered around Air Canada. They canceled my flight somewhere and bizarrely, they attempted to make it up to me by presenting me with all kinds of gifts, like tickets to MarineLand, a coffee maker, shoe polish, shiny buttons, pet food, a year's supply of laundry detergent, canisters of oxygen, a bushel of green peppers, paper clips, Hank Williams Jr's Greatest Hits on CD, a piranha in fish bowl, and a pound of gummy bears.

All items were presented in person by an Air Canada pilot in uniform who showed up unannounced at my house.

OK, so enough procrastinating...

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Another One Down

Tonight is the last class - the critique class - in my most recent photography course. This makes four down. If I take 6 more courses, I will get some sort of certificate, but I am not sure I want to do that, even though I have taken 2 of the 3 required courses. There is the possibility that the requirements of the courses displace the natural joy I would normally receive from the creative output.

For the last six years, I have been switching back and forth between writing courses and photography courses, unable to decide which I prefer. I seem to get into one mood or the other, hack away at it, and then switch. Some days, the creation of a blog post is pure magic; at other times, it is a labour most severe. I think the flipping back and forth offers the possibility of breathing new life into the art.

I have taken a few kernels from this blog and expanded them to some greater lengths in the hope that a collection might form, however randomly and incoherently. What I would do with such a collection is quite another story, but the idea of it is enough to convince me to fire up the laptop, from time to time, add a few paragraphs, consider the words, remember, reflect, enhance, embellish, and lie. I always wonder if my recollections of past events bear any kind of resemblance to the actual fact, but, having been trained in the craft of historical research and writing, I say that matters little for the value may be in my skewed perspective.

Perhaps I will take a course in deejaying. I'd like to get down and scratch some vinyl.

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Monday, April 09, 2007

Hairy Dream

In what might better be described as a nightmare, I dreamed that I grew a beard. Now, you might not think that this is such a big deal, but it is. The adolescent boy begins to have a fascination with facial hair at an early age, and by this I mean too early an age. In other words, he might begin experimenting with a beard years before he is able to fully grow one. Or, what's worse, he might be satisfied with a mustache, such as a 14 year old can grow, and let me tell you, this is not a pretty sight.

This descent into bad taste may not be enough. So, although he may well shave off the facial abomination, it doesn't mean that the fascination has ended. So, many, like me, decide to grow a beard, perhaps in University when one can least afford it. In the pursuit of women, a beard is of no assistance, something I learned far too slowly. Well, it was of no assistance to me anyway. And yet, I grew a beard twice, once in my undergrad and once during my second masters program, where clearly the Library of Congress Classification System messed with my head so much that I had to experience subject headings personally.

Then there was an extended Christmas break one year when I ventured into the territory of the Van Dyke, but I shaved it off when my boss said: "I don't like that," and a co-worker said: "you look old and decrepit." My dad, of course, was no less candid and announced that I looked far too hippyish for his tastes. He clearly worried about the influence of drugs. His style of haircut centered on the crew cut or the brush cut and he would have gladly paid to inflict that on me.

I've learned that, unless I become totally bald, I'll stick with a clean-shaven face, but I do have the urge, from time-to-time, to try a Robertson Davies or a ZZ Top beard, but that would take far too long, and I'd get bored.

Of course, many men carry off a beard very well. They just do not seem to agree with the shape of my face.

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Thursday, April 05, 2007


Easter reminds me that my parents were failures in some aspects of child-rearing. When I realized that the Easter Bunny did not exist - I have no idea how old I was - I suggested that my parents hide our Easter goodies so that we could have an old fashioned Easter Egg Hunt, something I had never experienced. Normally, our eggs and other chocolate paraphernalia were piled into a basket and placed at our reserved eating spaces at the kitchen table.

In response to my suggestion, my parents (obviously having no idea what an Easter Egg Hunt was all about) simply placed the baskets under our beds. I looked under my bed, and there it was: my Easter basket. My siblings found their baskets under their beds too. So much for that.

Later, I wondered if it was all about equity. What if one child found more eggs than the others? What then? Maybe they were just too lazy to hide the bloody things.

2005's Easter post was much better.

My week off is almost over.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Even More Keyword Mayhem

Because I am taking it easy this week on the blogging front, I'll post something easy. Here's a new list of some keywords used to find my site, mostly for my amusement. I can't imagine why you'd even be interested.

why is wearing makeup to bed bad - if you have to ask that question, there must be something seriously wrong.

how the greater flamingo got its name - it's the opposite of the lesser flamingo?

fractured penis pictures - I wonder if this is for comparison or perhaps an insurance claim?

asian fashion low crotch pants - from a curious chap in New South Wales!

beach "brother penis" - perhaps this searcher, from Greece, would have more luck with: beach "brother's penis"

portman+square+orgy - not sure how this led anyone here. I wonder if that is Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman erect nipples - Hmmm.

"chinese word for toilet" - no idea.

fucking the dog used as an expression for slacking at work - someone from Ontario, no doubt.

large breasts, gaynor - Gloria?

fish - freud phallic symbol - sometimes a fish is just a fish.

nympho librarian - I'm under the impression that this is a myth, but I'll keep my eyes open.

dead budgies - Yup, I wrote something about dead budgies, but why not try the image search.

wrinkled old man in his speedo - my dad!

farting tight jeans - fetish?

wearing jeans and sandals - if you are looking for the green light on that, I'll have to plead ignorance.

what are the lyrics to franklin + turtle
kfc jingle mp3
canadian tire jingle - OK, so some weirdos keep hitting my site because I panned that idiotic Canadian Tire jingle, which is so horrible, even Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is better. Why would anyone want hear this again? Same goes for KFC & Franklin.

silk ascot pictures - Why!

recording of the farting post - I could do a podcast of that one, I suppose.

hanks porn - Tom Hanks, or do you mean hank's?

library, fish turd from toilet - I am assuming that fish is a verb here. I can't imagine.

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Sunday, April 01, 2007

We now return to our regularly-scheduled programming...

...almost: I am taking a week off work, so I might end up blogging erratically. You never know. If I had been more with it, I would have posted an April Fool's joke, but it seemed like too much work. Google had a few good jokes today.

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