Come on Over?

In the most shocking news I have heard lately, the National Association of Recording Merchandisers (NARM) has released the Definitive 200, a list of "200 ranked albums that every music lover should own." I think they made a mistake, and accidentally included some albums that deserve a spot on the Infamous 200, or albums that no one should own.

Last night, on some insidious show like E Talk Daily, they reviewed the Canadian artists on the list. I was shocked, appalled, disheartened, stunned, and pissed off when I discovered that the top ranked Canadian album was Shania Twain's Come on Over which ranks at number 21. WTF? Even worse, Celine Dion came in at #97! These people have no idea.

Shania is an awful and horrific blend of Donny and Marie. This new country thing is so old and boring and unmusical. Please decide if you are country or pop, because this middle ground is not doing anybody any good.

I can't understand how Celine Dion has managed to make a career out of screaming, and I can't pass up the opportunity to use a quote I read on McBickle Eyes the Transom in this post: "Celine Dion looks like a beautiful woman after she's been assaulted." That's very funny. My father once said "Who doesn't like Celine Dion?" That says it all.

Even more astonishing is the fact that Neil Young's Harvest came in at 98. This is simply perplexing. Neil Young is without question the most influential Canadian musician of all time and it is ridiculous that throwaway acts like Twain and Dion (the shrill voice of Air Canada) should place higher than him on this stupid list.

Other omissions are glaring. I would argue that Leonard Cohen is perhaps the best living lyricist, and yet, no Leonard Cohen album made the list. In my opinion, Songs of Leonard Cohen is the best Canadian album ever recorded.

Other things that irritate me about the list is that the Clash's London Calling comes in at 96. It belongs in the top 10 or even top 5. It scores only a few places better than the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing. Are they crazy? If this hasn't convinced you that the people who compiled this list are on drugs, this will: Shakira made the list! Christina Aguilera made the list! Michael Jackson came in at #3! Meatloaf made the list! Queen made the list! Beyonce made the list! Mariah Carey made the list!

So, here they are:

1. Beatles – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – 1967
2. Pink Floyd – Dark Side Of The Moon – 1973
3. Michael Jackson – Thriller – 1982
4. Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin IV – 1971
5. U2 – Joshua Tree –1987
6. Rolling Stones – Exile On Main Street – 1972
7. Carole King – Tapestry – 1971
8. Bob Dylan – Highway ‘61 Revisited – 1965
9. Beach Boys – Pet Sounds – 1966
10. Nirvana – Nevermind – 1991
11. Pearl Jam – Ten – 1991
12. Beatles – Abbey Road – 1969
13. Santana – Supernatural – 1999
14. Metallica – Metallica – 1991
15. Bruce Springsteen – Born To Run – 1975
16. Prince – Purple Rain – 1984
17. Ac/Dc – Back In Black – 1980
18. Rolling Stones – Let It Bleed – 1969
19. Doors – Doors – 1967
20. Grateful Dead – American Beauty – 1970
21. Shania Twain – Come On Over – 1997
22. Who – Who’s Next – 1971
23. Stevie Wonder – Songs In The Key Of Life – 1976
24. Fleetwood Mac – Rumours – 1977
25. Pink Floyd – Wall – 1979
26. Alanis Morissette – Jagged Little Pill – 1995
27. Norah Jones – Come Away With Me – 2002
28. Eminem – Marshall Mathers Lp – 2000
29. Outkast – Speakerboxx-Love Below – 2003
30. Dr. Dre – Chronic – 1992
31. Beastie Boys – Licensed To Ill – 1986
32. Guns ‘N Roses –Appetite For Destruction – 1987
33. Dixie Chicks – Wide Open Spaces – 1998
34. Miles Davis – Kind Of Blue – 1959
35. Eagles – Hotel California – 1976
36. Def Leppard – Hysteria – 1987
37. Soundtrack – Grease – 1980
38. Marvin Gaye – What’s Going On – 1978
39. Beatles – White Album – 1968
40. Soundtrack – Saturday Night Fever – 1977
41. Jimi Hendrix – Are You Experienced? – 1967
42. Beatles – Revolver – 1966
43. Boston – Boston – 1976
44. Bon Jovi – Slippery When Wet – 1986
45. U2 – Achtung Baby – 1991
46. Whitney Houston – Whitney Houston – 1985
47. Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin Ii – 1969
48. Dave Matthews Band – Crash – 1996
49. Rolling Stones – Sticky Fingers – 1971
50. Green Day – Dookie – 1994
51. Led Zeppelin – Houses Of The Holy –1973
52. Joni Mitchell – Blue – 1971
53. Elvis Presley – Elvis At Sun – 2004
54. Aerosmith – Toys In The Attic – 1975
55. Lauryn Hill – Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill – 1998
56. Bruce Springsteen – Born In The U.S.A. – 1984
57. 50 Cent – Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ – 2003
58. Ac/Dc – Highway To Hell – 1979
59. Notorious B.I.G. – Life After Death – 1997
60. Van Halen – Van Halen – 1978
61. Green Day – American Idiot – 2004
62. Black Sabbath – Paranoid – 1971
63. Eminem – Eminem Show – 2000
64. Jewel – Pieces Of You – 1995
65. Coldplay – Rush Of Blood To The Head – 2002
66. Meatloaf – Bat Out Of Hell – 1977
67. Usher – Confessions – 2004
68. Kid Rock – Devil Without A Cause – 1998
69. George Harrison – All Things Must Pass – 1970
70. Billy Joel – Stranger – 1977
71. Eagles – Hell Freezes Over – 1994
72. Van Morrison – Moondance – 1970
73. Rem – Automatic For The People – 1992
74. Phil Collins – No Jacket Required – 1985
75. Metallica – Master Of Puppets – 1986
76. Faith Hill – Breathe – 1999
77. Johnny Cash – At Folsom Prison – 1968
78. John Coltrane – Love Supreme – 1964
79. Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here – 1975
80. Michael Jackson – Off The Wall – 1979
81. Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On – 1973
82. Bob Seger – Night Moves – 1976
83. Paul Simon – Graceland – 1986
84. Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory – 2000
85. Prince – 1999 – 1983
86. Def Leppard – Pyromania – 1983
87. Janet Jackson – Control – 1986
88. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Blood Sugar Sex Magik – 1991
89. Dire Straits – Brothers In Arms – 1985
90. Tupac – All Eyez On Me – 1996
91. Matchbox Twenty – Yourself Or Someone Like You – 1996
92. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Californication – 1999
93. Led Zeppelin – Physical Graffiti – 1975
94. Nelly – Country Grammar – 2000
95. Creed – Human Clay – 1999
96. Clash – London Calling – 1979
97. Celine Dion – Falling Into You – 1996
98. Neil Young – Harvest – 1972
99. Soundtrack – Dirty Dancing – 1987
100. Dixie Chicks – Home – 2002
101. Tom Petty – Full Moon Fever – 1989
102. Van Halen – 1984 – 1984
103. Soundtrack – Titanic – 1997
104. Crosby Stills & Nash – Déjà Vu – 1970
105. Tlc – Crazysexycool – 1999
106. Beck – Odelay – 1994
107. Kenny G – Breathless – 1992
108. Nwa. – Straight Outta Compton – 1989
109. Sex Pistols – Never Mind The Bollocks – 1977
110. Beatles – Rubber Soul – 1965
111. Radiohead – O.K. Computer – 1997
112. Simon & Garfunkel – Bridge Over Trouble Water – 1970
113. Dixie Chicks – Fly – 1999
114. Metallica – And Justice For All – 1988
115. Michael Jackson – Dangerous – 1991
116. Mariah Carey – Daydream – 1995
117. Soundtrack – Top Gun – 1999
118. Elton John – Goodbye Yellow Brick Road – 1973
119. Police – Synchronicity – 1983
120. No Doubt – Tragic Kingdom – 1995
121. Rolling Stones – Beggar’s Banquet – 1968
122. R Kelly – R – 1998
123. Tool – Lateralus – 2001
124. Oasis – What’s The Story Morning Glory – 1995
125. Bob Marley – Exodus – 1977
126. Journey – Escape – 1981
127. Christina Aguilera – Christina Aguilera – 1999
128. Jay-Z – Blueprint – 2001
129. Alicia Keys – Diary Of Alicia Keys – 2003
130. Soundtrack – O Brother Where Art Thou? – 2000
131. Cars – Cars – 1978
132. Enya – Day Without Rain – 2000
133. Natalie Cole – Unforgettable With Love Natalie Cole – 1991
134. Soundtrack – Footloose – 1984
135. Lionel Richie – Can’t Slow Down – 1983
136. Sarah Mclachlan – Surfacing – 1997
137. Bonnie Raitt – Nick Of Time – 1989
138. Metallica – Ride The Lightning – 1984
139. Sheryl Crow – Tuesday Night Music Club – 1993
140. Frank Sinatra – In The Wee Small Hours – 1954
141. Earth Wind Fire – Gratitude – 1975
142. Zz Top – Eliminator – 1983
143. Willie Nelson – Red Headed Stranger – 1975
144. John Lennon – Imagine – 1971
145. Toni Braxton – Toni Braxton – 1993
146. Etta James – At Last – 1961
147. Elvis Presley – Elvis Presley – 1956
148. Cat Stevens – Tea For The Tillerman – 1970
149. Smashing Pumpkins – Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness – 1995
150. Dave Brubeck – Time Out – 1959
151. Janet Jackson – Janet – 1993
152. Queen – A Night At The Opera – 1975
153. Ozzy Osbourne – Blizzard Of Ozz –1980
154. Will Smith – Big Willie Style – 1997
155. Prince – Sign Of The Times – 1987
156. Public Enemy – It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back – 1988
157. Bob Dylan – Blood On The Tracks – 1975
158. George – Michael Faith – 1987
159. Boyz Ii Men – Cooleyhighharmony – 1993
160. Destiny’s Child – Writing’s On The Wall – 1999
161. Jay-Z – Black Album – 2003
162. Avril Lavigne – Let Go – 2002
163. Fugees – Score – 1996
164. Madonna – Like A Virgin – 1984
165. Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin – 1969
166. Stevie Ray Vaughn – Texas Flood – 1983
167. Stone Temple Pilots – Core – 1992
168. Original Cast – Phantom Of The Opera Highlights – 1988
169. Jethro Tull – Aqualung – 1971
170. Tupac – Me Against The World – 1995
171. David Bowie – Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust – 1972
172. Shakira – Laundry Service – 2002
173. Soundtrack – Forrest Gump – 2001
174. Al Green – Call Me – 1973
175. Curtis Mayfield – Superfly – 1997
176. Live – Throwing Copper – 1994
177. George Benson – Breezin’ – 1976
178. White Stripes – White Blood Cells – 2001
179. Lynyrd Skynyrd – Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Erd – 1973
180. Sade – Diamond Life – 1984
181. Fleetwood Mac – Fleetwood Mac – 1975
182. Paul Mccartney & Wings – Band On The Run – 1973
183. Beyonce – Dangerously In Love – 2003
184. Anita Baker – Rapture – 1986
185. Nas – Iiimatic – 1994
186. Barbara Streisand – A Star Is Born – 1976
187. Earth Wind Fire – That’s The Way Of The World – 1975
188. Anita Baker – Rhythm Of Love – 1994
189. Jay-Z – In My Lifetime Vol 1 – 1997
190. Ll Cool J – Mama Said Knock You Out – 1990
191. Steely Dan – Aja – 1977
192. Willie Nelson – Stardust – 1978
193. Aretha Franklin – Sparkle – 1976
194. Andrea Bocelli – Andrea – 2004
195. Bob Dylan – Bringing It All Back Home – 1965
196. Luther Vandross – Never Too Much – 1981
197. U2 – All That You Can’t Leave Behind – 2000
198. Rush – 2112 – 1976
199. Outkast – Aquemini – 1998
200. Grand Funk Railroad – We’re An American Band – 1973

Technorati Tags: music

Another Piece of Art

I have writer's block today, probably because yesterday's post was so long. If you haven't read it, you should. Go, right now and read it. I insist.

I painted this, but I am not sure I like it. In fact, it might be upside down.

Technorati Tags: art, paintings

Tube Quest

My most recent flat tire arrived with a satisfying pop, a small explosion of air bursting through my rubber tube at Bloor and Bay late at night. A few people looked, perhaps thinking that a gun had been fired. I walked my bike home, thankful that it was not minus 40 degrees with the wind chill, as it is today. The boots weren't right for walking, and my feet felt a bit sore when I finally removed them at home.

There are lots of nice bike shops in Toronto, but all of them were closed for some sort of bike show at the Exhibition. So, I was forced to go to a run-down place that reminded me of my youth. There was a chap on the outskirts of the small town that I am from who had what can only be described as stockpiles of crap. The man had everything from bicycles parts to old records, bits of steel, dismembered parts of electrical devices, topiary, stuffed foxes, fish mounted on old pieces of wood, tackle, knives, probably bullets and grenades, bits of planes, tanks, anti-aircraft weapons, and what appeared to be robots or parts of them. He also had odd mechanical devices that few had ever seen before, and fewer knew how to operate. But, this guy could fix anything, from a radio to a flux capacitor.

A blast of smoke hit me when I opened the door to the bike shop. I was transported back to my days as a bartender at a hotel in my hometown. The place was so smoky, I had red eyes well before last call. I worried that I was getting cancer in two ways: from the smoke I breathed in, and from the smoke that soaked inexorably into my skin. I worried that I might break out into lesions.

The bike shop was dark and dingy, but I could see some flickering light at the back. My boots thudded on the plywood floor, as I made my way back, through a darkened nave filled with bikes then, up a small ramp, a few feet more to the counter looking more like a smoky altar in the poltergeist-like glow of a small TV. It would have been oddly appropriate if the TV had been broadcasting old Jerry Falwell sermons or the 700 Club. Two guys sat on lawn chairs, smoking. Beside them, at least two dozen empty beer cans - the 500 ml variety - covered the floor. These men looked as though they had just returned from 39 days on Survivor.

"It's been a day of cigarettes and beer and TV," one of them grunted, as he stood up. At least he stood up, I thought. They had no ashtrays, so the ashes and butts piled up on the floor, among the cans.

"I need a tube," I said, almost coughing from the smoke.

"What size?"

"26 by 1.95," I replied. He ducked behind the counter and came up with the goods.

"5 bucks," he said, but he didn't ring anything in, did not touch the cash register. In fact, I don't recall a cash register of any sort. I wondered if I could have paid him in beer.

I handed him a $5 bill. "Oh, you're rich," he said, far too gleefully for a man who had been smoking and drinking all day and watching a TV with a pinkish hue.

The other guy said nothing, barely moved. I was certain I could have given him a light push and he would have tumbled over into a pile on the floor.

Later, I installed the new tube and realized that I also need a new tire, as mine had a hole in it. I decided to go to a different shop.

Technorati Tags: cycling, bikes, stores, drinking

Forest

I hated art class in school. That really should be, I really hated art class in school. And so, I did not take any art classes in high school.

But, I remember that in grade 7 my art teacher was some sort of space cadet. Maybe that's just my memory of her. In grade 8, my art teacher was far better known as a math teacher. Maybe I just had terrible teachers. I think I was afraid of art.

This is not to suggest that I am any good at art. I can barely draw to save myself. I can draw rectangles, triangles, and some other geometric forms, but ask me to draw a bird, and it is hit or miss. I drew a good one the other day, while in a meeting. Maybe boredom and confinement helps.

I was painting with the kids the other day and took over this from Sam, who had made the dynamic black splotch. He then seemed more interested in ripping this apart (I gather he did not like it), so I gave him a new piece of paper and finished this. You can see two other attempts at painting here and here.

Technorati Tags: art, paintings, children, school

This just in

From: kristine soerygfsh@illumia-rpg.com

hello, I am pretty russian girl, bored tonight.
would you like to chat with me and see my pics?
if so then email me at ekristine2@mefindhome.info

Oddly, this reminds me of my second Russian language class. I was about to enter a graduate history program in Russian History, and I needed a reading knowledge of Russian. So, I took 5 back-to-back courses at the University of Toronto, and then hired a private tutor with two former classmates for several months.

Class number 2 featured a bookish, balding, and somewhat emaciated dude with thick glasses. He had just received his mail-order Russian bride in the mail. I wondered if she came in a plain brown wrapper, or if the words "Russian Bride" were printed on the box for all to see. Perhaps there was a Russian bride warehouse.

OK, so not really: you couldn't send a person through the mail, especially a Russian bride, because I think that the temptation would have been too much for all of those postal workers, and the box would have been opened long before these men ever received their packages. In fact, I would suspect that many such packages would be lost in the mail.

Back to the story: the man's new Russian friend spoke not one word of English. Well, I think she could say hello and goodbye, but I am not entirely sure. So, he diligently sat there, every week, regretting the lack of a present tense of the verb "to be," learning relevant vocabulary, like "meat salad", "autobus," "escalator," "elevator," "toaster," and phrases like "my neighbour is an eccentric," "I need a doctor," "I like to swim in the Volga River," "how many hours is it," and "when I was a little boy, I liked to play chess."

All of this reminds me that Khrushchev's famous phrase "We will bury you" is open to re-evaluation. The poor translator had to translate on-the-fly, and, if he had time to reflect, he probably would have come up with something like: "We will leave you in our dust," which has an entirely different meaning, if you ask me. In other words, I don't believe that Khrushchev said what we think he said.

Happy Friday.

Technorati Tags: Russian, languages, Khrushchev, spam

When I was 18

I went back to that Imagination Prompt Generator and was asked:

"What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to being 18?"

That's easy: my jeans. I spent a lot of time finding the most flattering jeans. They had to be tight and make my ass look good. Now, they weren't so tight that I had to lie on the bed, get out the coat hanger, and invite a friend over to help me get them done up, but they were rather constricting. I am glad the era of tight jeans for men is over, at least I hope it is.

I wish I had a good anecdote about my jeans from that period. I can tell you that, in my adult years, all of my jeans seem to wear out in the crotch. It leads me to believe that today's jeans are inferior to the denim of my youth. There could be other explanations, but I am going with that one.

Here's a little price of trivia: my waist is still same size today as it was when I was 18, but I wear slightly larger pants :-) I credit a diet that is completely free of beer with aiding in my great physique. Oh, and maybe some cycling helped out a bit.

The second thing I think about from that age is my hair. I still have a full head of hair, I should point out. But, back then it was lustrous and long, and very shiny. I spend lots of time styling my hair. I kept a black comb in my back right hand pocket. We all did, back in the day, just like The Fonz.

_____

I got a flat tire on my bike two days ago, and I haven't been able to pick up a new tube, so I have been taking the subway. Yuck. Happy March.

Technorati Tags: adolescence, jeans, hair, cycling

MasterCard Sucks

I liked the fact that I could pick up the phone, order food, and give my credit card number and expiry date without having to read the digits off my credit card. I had that card so long, I even knew the security code on the back. Of course, I have also memorized my banking client card number, driver's licence number, social insurance number, library barcode, an array of PIN numbers, as well as my phone numbers, shoe size, date of birth, address, age and IQ.

And then, it all fell apart. MasterCard sent me a new card with a new number because they were sort of sure that someone might have gained access to my number, but they couldn't say exactly how or when, but that it didn't happen at MasterCard.

Hey, MasterCard, I used to work for you, right in the credit department of the very same institution that issued this card. Let me just remind you that two people were terminated when I worked there for fraud. I don't think you can be so sure of that statement.

Now, you might say "fine, just memorize the freakin' new number!" It's not that easy. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. If I commit that number to memory, a process that could take months or years, I will have to purge other numeric data from my memory.

To prove this theory, I made an effort to memorize the new number. Just as I had mastered the first 5 digits, I got another letter from MasterCard with yet another new card and a new number for the same reasons with no explanation. What's the point of memorizing a new number if I am going to receive 12 new cards per year? My brain can't deal with that.

Technorati Tags: MasterCard, memory

Dead Bloggers

I am not planning on shuffling off this mortal coil, running down the curtain and joining the bleedin' choir invisible, but I have been wondering about what happens when bloggers die and go to heaven or hell or whatever. There are well over 100 million blogs, most of them inactive, and it makes me wonder whether these inactive blogs are run by chaps who are off pining for the fjords, or if they have passed on, gone to meet their makers.

Should I leave my password to someone so that s/he can post my obituary, written by me of course? Should I just fade into oblivion, leaving legions of people to wonder just what happened to me? Should I blog from the other side? Should I will my blog to someone and hope that they will be as funny as me?

Technorati Tags: blogging, death

From the Archives

Some time ago, my mother began bequeathing things on me. There was, of course, the bedpan, and other associated goodies. My favourite item was an old letter from a great uncle that recounted in a very detached and matter-of-fact manner that his house had just burned down and that the family had lost everything, less the clothes on their backs.

I am always surprised that she has anything left to give me, because she relentlessly turfed everything that had no utility over the years. She even threw out music if she didn't like it. So went one of my Van Morrison albums, because she objected to the song title TB Sheets. A Jethro Tull album met the same fate, because of the lyric "snot is running down his nose" (from Aqualung). All of the toys went in lawn sales so that she could buy cigarettes. There was no way to stop her and so no one tried.

I was surprised when she gave me this item that I made when I was five years old. By the way, the last line translates to "I love you because you are taking me to Miami." I used some invented spelling there. Clearly, I was happy to have clean clothes and food.

I am sure lots of people have things like this from their childhood, many of which are unintentionally funny. I say, share them with the world.

Technorati Tags: childhood, memorabilia, family

Have a Great Weekend

I am out-of-the-office all day Friday at a board meeting. So, instead of a real post, here are some keywords recently used to find my site. This always makes me chuckle.

virility restored
found my budgies dead
"more thoughts on medieval farting" (some chap from England)
cybil sheppard and elvis
cybil sheppard naked
beauty ass filipina
where the snow come from?
i am tired of work
is super glue bad for fish
Trump' wig hair ? lol
photo of fractured penis
PUSSY SHAPED CAKE
snoopisms
nice box
to hell or connaught with you cromwell
canadian tire jingle
Xaviera Hollander + ontario
sexy banana eating
"open toe boots"
+"didn't have a penis"
"wee in the bath"
ivanka trump breasts
dating your 1st cousin
embalming fluid in soda

Technorati Tags: blogging, web searching

I suppose I should tell you where this comes from. You can make your own card on John's Blyberg's card generator. Just don't ask me to provide you with any subject headings or call numbers. I've lost my Cutter table anyway. It even lets you add those scribbles.

While at Blyberg.net, I discovered that John has left AADL and is going to Darien Public Library. Of course, if you are not a librarian, this will mean nothing to you. If you are, you will already know that AADL has received lots of attention for its innovative web design.

I didn't mind cycling in the very heavy snow this morning. It was like a winter wonderland. Those huge flakes remind me of my childhood and it was a very pleasant ride, until I realized that most of the roads were covered in sheets of ice. That was OK too, until I fell off my bike, while stopped, no less. Then, it began to rain, and I was no longer a happy winter cyclist.

I'd write more, but I have to go off and interview someone for a job. Such is life.

Technorati Tags: cycling, winter, libraries, librarians

Reading Week

It's quiet around here, and by here, I mean the Library. It's reading week, and most of the students have scurried away. I suspect that some are actually reading or studying, but I know that others are skiing and drinking and cruising the beaches in Florida. I regret that I never once went to Florida for a week of excess.

Of course, I was never entirely sure how these students could afford that, since I was barely scraping by during my undergrad. After eight years and three degrees, I had an $18,000 debt. I know, many people had much larger debts thanks to OSAP, so I consider myself to be lucky.

But, it is quiet and the reference desk is quiet and I am getting stuff done. You'd think with all of this quiet, I'd be able to write an interesting or funny post. The fact is that Linwood Barclay stole my idea, and now I have writer's block or blogger's block. In a recent column in the Star, he wrote about the Telus porn plan. I'll never forgive him. We even had the same jokes. You can read it here.

Update: I just got a haircut. Thought you'd like to know.

Technorati Tags: reading week, osap, work, blogging

Zoolander

Let's leave the issue of plagiarism aside - just for the moment - and concentrate on the film itself. Zoolander sucks. It stinks. It's boring. I'll never get that 89 minutes back. I am thinking of suing the bastards.

I recall that a vague chuckle emanated from my throat once, but it was decidedly less than hearty. I was completely and utterly bored, but I persisted, assuming that it would get funny soon. It never did. Stupid stupid stupid film.

OK, so maybe I am some sort of statistical outlier, but I really do not think that this is a funny film. I should point out that I enjoy films with dimwits as much as the next guy. For example, I usually like watching Hugh Grant films. Owen Wilson is usually good for a laugh too, but not this time. I'd even go as far as to say that any film with that Adam Sandler is probably better.

Apparently, Bret Easton Ellis has claimed that the film was plagiarized from one of his novels and that he reached an out-of-court settlement. Who knows if this is true?

Perhaps this is a love it or hate it film. I hate it.

Technorati Tags: movies, Zoolander

It's Friday

... and I have a cold. Another cold. I am cold man. I just keep getting colds. It sucks. Because I have a cold, I have very little to say. I'll just report on some news. Super Happy Jen had a baby. Photos are here. He's cute.

From CNN: "In parts of China, black ants are sold by the bagful to be steeped in tea or soaked in liquor as a natural remedy for ailments such as arthritis." I can tell you which option I would choose, if someone held a gun to my head, that is. Who would want to drink anything that contained ants. It makes no sense at all. Someone please explain this to me.

Have a happy Friday. I'd like to take a nap, but I can't.

Technorati Tags: colds, ants, China

The Lesser Way (or Why I Hate the TTC)

I didn't cycle yesterday, having struggled through the snow late the previous night. I should have, because every time I take the subway, it is a disaster. There's the mad rush across floors covered in pools of brown salty dirty water. Or, I get stuck behind someone who is ambulating so slowly, it's like they are in reverse.

At my subway stop, I had to wait ten minutes for a train to show up. When it did, the train was packed like a can of sardines. I had to let that one go. The second train, a further ten minutes later, was also overflowing. I thought when the doors opened, people would spill out onto the platform. I let that train go. But, a few eager frottagers squeezed into the melee. I chose to wait a further eight to ten minutes for train number 3. Sadly, it was also full.

Finally, when train number four arrived, I walked into a car with serious amounts of space, and then a wall of people behind me forced me into the centre. I was swept up in a mini hurricane of people, and when the doors finally shut, I was face to face with a man who smelled of rotten ham.

So, today, I cycled in minus 20 degree Celsius weather. It was refreshing (despite the stench of an occasional tail pipe). I reminded myself that I am getting fresh air, sunshine, and exercise. I am also not burning fossil fuels, or risking death by crushing in the tunnels below the city. I am also saving money. The damn TTC is way too expensive.

Technorati Tags: TTC, transit, cycling

Meetings, Bloody Meetings

OK, so I reused this title. I can't be expected to be original every day, can I?

Today commenced with a meeting, two hours long, and then I had lunch, not two hours long, and then a meeting, one hour long, and soon I have another meeting, two hours long. In the few minutes I had to spare, I did some work, but I am seriously behind. I have things to do and not enough time to do them.

Sorry, I have to run.

Technorati Tags: work, meetings

Can't Talk Now

I'm at home with plumbing issues.

Technorati Tags: plumbing

Dear Moron

If you are going to insult me, at least do it correctly. I deleted your comment because you are a coward and posted anonymously. If you had been man enough to sign in, I would have left your profane and intolerant comment for everyone to see what a microcephalic imbecile you are.

I am not gay, even though many people assume that I am. So, the beginning of your comment: "Listen up you nerdy faggot" is way off. I do have lots of gay friends, and I think that all gay people should be treated equally. By the way, I am sure you will be happy to hear that Ontario's Health Minister, George Simtherman, has announced that he will be marrying his partner, Christopher Peloso.

You must really hate gay people if the first thing out of your mouth is an anti-gay statement. You are a coward and a homophobe. I can't quote the next part of your ungrammatical comment in which you reference a certain sexual act that many people (both men and women) enjoy. The first two things you can think to use as insults are anti-gay?

You remind me of a famous organization that was eager to promote its cause by hiding behind white gowns and masks. I imagine you liked to hide behind your mamma's skirt too, right?

I have to hand it to you though: you do have a way with language, although you forgot the punctuation. Let's take this example: "so you ass licking poofter with no bollocks watch your step." Watch my step, or what? Are you going to get on a plane and track me down? It's a really long flight, you know. And "poofter"? - another anti-gay reference. How tiring.

The truth is, I know who you are and if you ever leave a comment like that I will post your URL for everyone to see what a total bastard you are.

Technorati Tags: idiots

Cockroach Dreams

Help. I've been dreaming about cockroaches, again. The first time, they were somehow crossed with spiders. This time, I had a dream in which I was swimming in some sort of indoor stream. It was refreshing and cool with gentle flowing parts. I remember coming up for air and seeing a dying roach flailing in the water just inches from my face. I tried to swim away from it, but it just kept getting closer, seemingly drawn by the current. Worried that I would end up swallowing it, I back peddled, but it did no good. Oddly, I was quite relieved when I realized that I had swallowed it, because it meant that I no longer had to fight to get away from it.

I looked up what it means to dream about cockroaches. From Dream Moods:

"To see cockroaches in your dream, signifies your need for renewal, rejuvenation and self-cleansing of your psychological, emotional, or spiritual being. You need to reevaluate major aspects of your life."

Or:

"To see roaches in your dream, represents an undesirable aspect of yourself in which you need to confront. Alternatively, it may be a pun for smoking marijuana. On a positive note, roaches may also be symbolic of tenacity and longevity."

I'll go with tenacity and longevity. Another site suggested something about finances. I have yet to find an interpretation about eating a cockroach. Maybe I was just hungry?

P.S. You can thank me for not posting a photo of a roach.

Listening to: silence

Technorati Tags: dreams, cockroaches

Corporate Sponsor

If you have watched The Corporation, you will have learned that many corporations are evil, and even considered by some to be psychopaths. It's a fascinating film and well worth viewing.

Despite the portrayal of the corporation as an obnoxious world citizen, I couldn't help but be fascinated by the two college dudes who managed to secure corporate sponsorships enabling them to fund their university education, complete with a BMW. Evidently, there are some corporations who will pay people to wear it's clothes.

I've been waiting for this. I generally make it a point to avoid logos and trademarks on my clothes: hence, I own no Tommy Hilfiger rags. But, that would all change for a few bucks here and there. For enough money, I would even wear pink and a jaunty hat.

I have often reflected that a sponsor for my photoblog would be swell. If only Canon or Nikon would slide some equipment my way, I would happily embellish my site with a corporate logo.

So, I will close with an open call to the various corporations out there to please consider sponsoring me. I have a few restrictions, however. Your corporation can't operate any sweatshops or utilize child labour (sorry Nike, GAP, Nestle, Wal-Mart, and Levis - you're out). Your corporation must have an excellent environmental & human rights record (sorry Chevron, Coca-Cola, Dow, DynCorp, Monsanto, Suez-Lyonnaise Des Eaux - you're out too).

Thanks,

Zydeco Fish, Inc.

Listening to: Brian Eno - Another Day on Earth

Technorati Tags: corporations, sponsorship

Three Youthful Misconceptions

( 1 )

As a young child, I thought that royalty spent whole days sitting on their thrones. Oh, and this is not an oblique reference to the toilet. I imagined them sitting on large ornate jewel-encrusted chairs dispensing orders, wisdom, and armies, while receiving important visitors, taxes, and the heads of traitors. The thrones - I suppose in the throne room or thronery - were surrounded by pools of gold and silver and precious stones, just like many of us are surrounded by piles of laundry and dust.

I recall being stunned at the sight of Prince Philip in a suit, just like my dad's. Well, no that is not entirely true: Philip's suit had a nice cut and a modest tie, unlike the graphic mayhem on my dad's tie and his regrettable experimentation with the leisure suit. By the way, let's abolish the monarchy. It's a useless anachronism.

( 2 )

When I was ten years old, I felt that we had reached the end of war. Sure, there were a few local battles, mostly in the developing world, but the major western powers seemed to have overcome their war lust. I honestly remember thinking that there would be no more veterans, that the last would die off, and then it would all be a distant memory. I wondered how difficult it would be to rally any kind of support for Remembrance Day with no one left to describe the horrors to us. As a child, Vietnam was behind me too. Boy, was I optimistic.

( 3 )

I thought that my parents had good taste in music.

Listening to: Pete Namlook & Peter Prochir - Possible Gardens

Technorati Tags: youth, royalty, war

The Conference Review

I wish I had taken a photo of the carpeting at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. It is the ugliest, most disgusting, and nauseating carpet I have ever seen. I have to think it was some sort of sick joke. There are two varieties: the first in the open areas, although ugly, retains some dignity in it's restrained geometry. In the meeting rooms, all hell breaks loose. I still haven't determined if the design is supposed to resemble a plant - perhaps a pea pod - or a pupal casing.

Late Friday, after the AGM for a division I am a member of (or, of which I am a member), I headed to the reception, a few minutes late. I asked a colleague when the food was coming, as all I could see were lengths of empty tables, laid out with white hotel table cloths. "Oh", he said, "the food is gone already." In the twenty minutes that had expired, while I lingered over the last half a glass of wine and chatted with friends and colleagues, hundreds of librarians had devoured all of the food. In the distance, I saw a man, dressed in white wielding a knife, presiding over a hunk of beef the size of a Smart car. I thought it might have been a mirage.

I gravitated to him, found a plate, and he hacked off a piece of bloody beef. I declined the bread roll, as I cannot eat wheat, and looked for cutlery. Finding only a fork, I attempted to cut the flesh with the blunt side of the implement. Failing in that task, I picked up the bloody meat with my hands and ripped at it with my teeth. I was thankful for the dim light, for I think I looked like a lion gnawing on the belly of some unfortunate ungulate. I wiped away the juices flowing down my chin, took a sip of wine, and reflected on the fact that I used to be a vegetarian. How things change.

Listening to: Beck - The Information.

Technorati Tags: conferences, carpet, food

I Have Returned

During the one day mini-conference that preceded the Ontario Library Association's Super Conference, I sat behind a woman who spent most of the day knitting. Now, I am sure that knitting is a wonderful pastime. One must get an extraordinary sense of accomplishment out of giving useful form to something shaved from the hide of the Ovis Aries. Still, it was a bit odd, to me anyway. And, she never even offered to make me socks or a sweater.

The guy next to me looked exactly like Abraham Lincoln, only much much greyer. Whenever I think of Abraham Lincoln, I have a visual image of him in a top hat and tux. I think that might have something to do with a Star Trek episode I once saw.

But, the worst thing about this event was the chairs. Clearly, they were designed by some sort of Sadist. I have never been so uncomfortable. Well, there was that time in the Hummingbird Centre after 4 hours of Wagner, but that was to be expected. I kept looking over at Lincoln, expecting him to be all presidential and to veto the chairs, but he looked so peaceful and relaxed.

I'd like to say a few things about the conference, but I am off to a long meeting (2 hours or more), so it will have to wait until tomorrow.

Technorati Tags: conferences, chairs

Conference

Hi, I am attending the Ontario Library Association Conference. It commenced this evening, after an all-day meeting. I might be able to post from the conference, but I am not sure. Leave a message and I'll get back to you later.

Five Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

Accepting Zenfo Pro's open tag:

( 1 ) My Grandfather died on my 17th Birthday

I am surprised he lasted that long. He wasted half of his life sitting in his smelly brown chair watching inane daytime television or reading Playboy magazine. Sure, he could walk to the bathroom, lower himself on the seat to relieve himself, and make it back to his safe chair before his lungs failed him. Years of smoking turned him into a yellowed, sarcastic, cynical, emphysemic, cranky, argumentative old man. I resisted the urge to give him a lesson in photosynthesis whenever he complained that the plants were stealing his oxygen. Eventually, he had them all removed and all that remained were plastic house plants that gathered dust while he sat in the chair enveloped by stale air until he died.

( 2 ) I haven't had a beer or pizza in 8 or 9 years

I have Celiac Disease, a condition that can only be managed by a gluten-free diet. That means, no wheat, rye, barley, oats, or derivatives, even if present in trace amounts. Many food additives, like excipients, binders, fillers, natural flavours, and modified starches contain gluten. It also rules out anything deep-fried in the same oil that was used for breaded items. The good news is that I love red wine and cider.

( 3 ) I have a tattoo

Who doesn't?

( 4 ) When I was a teenager, I thought Bruce Springsteen was God

Many people think that Todd is God but, for me, it was Bruce. Keith & I bought scalped tickets and drove to Toronto to see him in concert in 1985. We were as far back at the Ex as you could get, and Bruce looked to be about the size of an ant. I have an enormous Springsteen vinyl collection dating back to that time. After years of not listening to him, I have put a couple of things back into rotation, but this may be more of a nostalgia thing. I think his first two albums are still really good, and I have heard the Seeger Sessions and Devils and Dust which are OK. I honestly believe that Born in the U.S.A. stinks. It is his worst album.

(5) I have played pool with Mary Margaret O'Hara

I have also met and spoken with: Billy Bragg, Graeme Gibson, Margaret Atwood, Douglas Coupland, Timothy Findley, P.D. James, Wayne Johnston, Henry Winkler, M.G. Vassanji, Nino Ricci, Al Purdy, Patrick Lane, Catherine Bush, Kate Bush (OK, so I saw her in person, but did not speak to her), Lorna Crozier, Kerri Sakamoto, Robertson Davies, Jack Layton, Michael Winter, Al Moritz, Paul Quarrington, Tim Vesely, Dave Bidini, Martin Tielli, John Ralston Saul, Richard B. Wright, George Elliot Clarke, Kristen Hersh, Chuck Cleaver, Stephen Page, and Nick Valentino. I am missing a few, I am sure.

Oh, and if you like this meme, do it yourself.

Technorati Tags: memes, me

Jobs

I went back to that Imagination Prompt Generator and was asked:

"List the jobs you've had during your life."

1) Window cleaner, for three days, age 9ish
2) Lawn cutter, for an ancient, asthmatic man, age 12, or so
3) General helper for a family friend and pedophile at a community centre, age 13
4) Farm labourer (bailing hay, straw, driving a tractor), age 16, 17, & 18ish
5) Tree planter
6) Bartender, waiter, bellhop, busboy, dishwasher, cashier, short-order cook etc, at a hotel, age 21, 22
7) Credit investigator, credit analyst
8) Teaching assistant
9) Research assistant
10) Curator
11) Computer Lab Advisor
12) Library assistant
13) Information Specialist
14) Librarian

And, here are the jobs I would like to do before I die:

1) Movie star
2) Billionaire
3) Elvis impersonator
4) Astronaut
5) Talk Show Host
6) Radio DJ
7) VJ on MTV or Much Music

Technorati Tags: jobs, me

Switched

Well, for better or worse, I just switched to the new version of Blogger, after weeks of Blogger telling me that I cannot switch. It is finally done. Later, I will apply a new template and mess around with all of the much-promised features, like labels.

I am not sure if I should abandon Technorati tags or keep them. Technorati tags are not very user-friendly, but they have some benefits.

I already have two positive things to report. The Blogger spellchecker finally includes the words blog, blogs, and blogging. It's about effing time. And, I no longer have to pass through word verification when commenting on my own blog. If you ask me, we ought to be able to make a "trusted list" of users who we will let skip the word verification step. I trust a few of you.

Have a great weekend.

Technorati Tags: Blogger

Recently

Running 42K hates pizza-folders. It's hilarious, but probably a bit obsessive-compulsive, if you ask me :-) Notice that I added a nice emoticon after that statement, so as not to be misinterpreted. My recent comment on this post was misinterpreted as being sarcastic. I am not sure why anyone would assume that I am sarcastic. I'm not sarcastic - not at all. Never have been; never will be. Sarcasm and me are antithetical. Trust me. I hate sarcasm.

Anyway, Ann May Won't thought I was sarcastic and it spread through blogland like a wild fire. Soon, Hemlock posted that I chose "to poo-poo the optimistic projection for Sagittarius in 2007." Never would I do that! After all, Sagittarians are the most optimistic of the signs. We are insanely optimistic. In fact, most of us believe that we will never die, that we will encounter good luck and good fortune our whole lives through, and that we will always have a steady supply of chocolate and red wine. We should be called Optimisticarians.

On the downside, Britney Spears is a Sag and, what's worse, she shares my birthday. Of all the celebrities to share a birthday with, I get Britney Spears. If I had to choose a celebrity to share a birthday with, it would be David Schwimmer. There's no question about that.

Technorati Tags: sarcasm

Me

Yup, this is me. My sister snapped this photo with a Kodak EK-2, better known as The Handle. It was a Polaroid clone, and was soon off the market when Kodak lost a lawsuit. The photo has faded over time, and I had to do quite a lot of reconstruction to get it to look as good as it does. Of course, having me in the photo really improves the scenery :-) Please note the bell bottoms pants. They were once de rigueur.

According to Bizarre News, January 24 is Eskimo Pie Patent Day! Yesterday was national (I am assuming in the USA only) National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day, and Measure Your Feet Day.

I did none of the above. My handwriting is so bad, I can barely read it. I have had to ask people to try to figure out what I wrote. The other problem is that I am far too cryptic. Just recently I wrote "blog - fruit." Clearly, this was an idea for a blog post, but I have no idea what I meant.

Technorati Tags: me, Zydeco Fish, handwriting

The Boston Molasses Disaster and other Curiosities

In 1919, a tank in a candy factory in Boston exploded, sending a large wave of molasses down the street. By the time the sticky tidal wave subsided, 21 people were dead.

In 1850, President Zachary Taylor died following five days of indigestion after gorging himself on cherries and iced milk.

A mine fire has been burning beneath Centralia, Pennsylvania since 1962.

Fucking, Austria got it's name in 1070, from a chap named Focko.

Year 10,000 problem. Y2K in is the past. We can look forward to this.

Chrysippus, a Greek philosopher, apparently died of laughter while observing a drunk donkey attempting to eat figs.

The Emerald Cockroach Wasp stings a cockroach twice to slow it down and to disable its escape reflex. It then mounts the roach and "drives" it to a secure place using the roach's antennae, where it lays an egg in the roach. The larva eats the roach from inside out.

Technorati Tags: curiosities

The Devil and Daniel Johnston

If you haven't see the film The Devil and Daniel Johnston, you really should. It is one of the most fascinating documentaries I have ever seen. Johnston is a singer, songwriter, musician, and artist who suffers from "bipolar disorder with psychotic features and religious preoccupation to the point where he has had to be hospitalized intermittently..." (from Wikipedia entry).

His songs have been covered by Beck, Sonic Youth, Wilco, Pearl Jam, The Flaming Lips, etc., while people like David Bowie, Kurt Cobain, and Matt Groening have praised his work.

One thing that really fascinated me was that the man was an obsessive documenter of his life. And, the film makes good use of his old films and taped conversations. I remember taping conversations when I was a kid, and now I wish I had kept them.

Borrow, buy, rent or steal the film. OK, don't steal it, but definitely see it. If you don't like it, I'll give you your money back. OK, so I really wouldn't give you your money back, but I would commiserate with you about the money you might have spent and the time you wasted sitting in front of your TV or computer.

What are you waiting for? Go see it! Now. Run.

Technorati Tags: films, Daniel Johnston

Be Right Back ...

I'm off to a meeting. I'll be back sometime, I hope. Maybe I'll even have something to say.

Technorati Tags: meetings

What did you do before we had the Internet?

I just checked out that Imagination Prompt Generator, which I read about on Canadian Hemlock's blog. It asked this question: What did you do before we had the Internet?. That's a good one.

1) Before I had a blog, I kept a handwritten journal. Although I stopped writing in it three or four years ago, there are 32 volumes totaling more than 7000 pages, most of it boring, some of it inane, and much of it embarrassing.

2) I watched more television. I am not sure if I watch less TV because of the Internet, or simply because there are fewer interesting shows on right now.

3) I wrote more poetry. Seriously. I have given that up. I did have a few poems published in some campus literary journals, but I never really knew if they were any good. Speaking of which, some day I should post the poem that started it all. It is called Zydeco Fish. It was published in one of those campus journals. Maybe I'll post it on this blog's tenth anniversary. See you here on July 11, 2013.

4) I spent more time in coffee shops.

How about you?

Technorati Tags: internet, pastimes

A Cycling Rant

As cyclists normally do, I was cycling in the curb lane, next to the curb. Cyclists do this because:

1) It is safer than cycling down the middle of a lane.
2) It is safer than cycling in the centre lane.
3) We normally travel slower than cars.
4) Bike lanes are constructed next to the curb.
5) The rules of the road for cyclists dictate that we ride at the curb. In fact, cars are required to give a cyclist the whole lane, if necessary.

We pass cars and trucks on the right hand side because the roads are wide enough - in most cases - to accommodate that. Usually, we pass cars on the right when vehicles have queued up for a traffic light (but sometimes, we are faster than vehicles).

This morning, as I approached a traffic light, I noticed several cars waiting. As is the practice of most cyclists, I planned to cycle past the waiting cars when the rear door of a cab flew open, and some guy started to step out.

I said: "Whoooa!"

He said: "That's why you're not supposed to pass cars on the right!"

I said: "That's why you're supposed to look for cyclists!"

I neglected to tell him that many cabs do, in fact, have window stickers reminding passengers to check for bikes.

He went on, quite forcibly: "You are not supposed to pass cars on the right because it is illegal!"

I said: "That's where cyclists ride. We ride at the curb." I went on about how it looked as though the cab was waiting for the traffic signal. I told him that there was a car directly in front of the cab, also waiting for the light.

But, more importantly:

1) The cab did not pull over (had it done so, I would have passed on the left).
2) The cab driver did not signal (had he done so, I would have passed on the left).

So, dude with the grey beard threw a few more sentences my way, and I left, but not before I told him that I was not angry with him. I wanted to add that I was angry with the driver for failing to signal or pull over. But, even having thought that, it was obvious that the cab driver knew I was there because he did not pull over: he left me room to get by, and Mr. Grey Beard failed to check for bicycles. He blew up because he was embarrassed.

And now, I must do some work.

Technorati Tags: Toronto, cycling, bikes, bicycles, cabs, taxis, traffic, arguments

Fallen Comrade

The colleague deemed most likely to go postal, has left the building, but not without first unleashing a venomous 3500 word email in which he criticized the administration, his bosses, and some colleagues. D - a colleague - later informed me that this type of letter is known as a Fallen Comrade Letter. Feeling that they are unjustly terminated, these disgruntled employees attack everyone and everything, trying to put the blame somewhere else, rather than looking closely and objectively at the situation. The military image even holds up in his letter, when he writes: "...I concede defeat and so leave the field of battle."

The most irritating thing is that he argued that his employment came to an end because he is gay, an assertion that is absolute nonsense. At the time he worked here, 50% of the male librarians were gay. The actual number may be either 45% or 55%, but I have excluded one fellow, whose sexuality is so ambiguous, he might well be a castrato, but that is another story.

The librarian profession is so filled with gayness (and there is nothing wrong with that), people assume that I am gay. Those who know otherwise, naturally assume that I must be bi-sexual. I am not sure if this is because of some sort of latent metrosexuality or an assumption that only gay men work in this profession, once described as the pink collar ghetto. I am not sure, but this comrade's arguments are completely without merit.

To him, I say: Good night and good luck.

Currently listening to: 1-Speed Bike - Droopy Butt Begone. It's very cool.

Technorati Tags: librarians, fallen comrades, employment, sexual orientation

Vote!

So, nine months after I invited people to ask me questions, I am almost finished with the answers. Cooper asked me:

boxers, briefs or thongs?

Before I give away the answer, I'd like to run a poll. Please choose from the options below:

a) ZF wears briefs
b) ZF wears boxers
c) ZF wears boxer briefs
d) ZF wears thongs
e) ZF goes commando

Here are some hints. Don't forget that my dad wears a thong bathing suit from time to time. Also remember that I am part Scottish.

Technorati Tags: questions, underwear, polls

So, Maybe I Complain too Much (and a comment on Iraq)

Today, many of us woke up to ice pellets, snow-covered ground, and forecasts (I actually typed forecats, which is something entirely different) of freezing rain. I even had to do a bit of shoveling for the first time this winter.

I think I am getting old, because I elected not to cycle today. Instead, I crammed myself into the subway system and got a little too close to way too many people. I was so close to some guy, I could have counted the hair follicles on his face. He missed a few spots, but I decided not to tell him. There was a woman, stuffed into a seat applying eyeliner. I posted about the public application of makeup in the past. It never ceases to amaze me.

Anyway, I prefer cycling out in the fresh air. I know, Toronto's air is not that fresh, but it is better than breathing in someone else's aftershave or perfume at 8:00 A.M.

I notice that the Iraqi government bungled another execution. They managed to decapitate Hussein's half brother in the course of hanging him. I hope Bush is happy that he got his man, after an expensive and pointless war that has made the entire region worse off, to the farcical trial and botched executions.

Technorati Tags: winter, Toronto, subways, TTC, transit, cycling, Iraq

Two Hours Later ...

Phew, I just got out of a two hour meeting concerning contract negotiations. We were discussing the finer points of promotion and salary. And, it occurred to me - once again - that meetings ought to be limited to one hour. In fact, I prefer power meetings that are 30 minutes or less. In fact, I prefer meetings in which business is conducted in hallways, by the microwave oven, or the fridge (we don't have a water cooler). I think you can accomplish so much while your leftovers are reheating.

It also occurred to me - once again - that I made the wrong career choice. I can trace this back to High School. Instead of joining the Cross Country Team and the Track & Field Team, I should have joined the soccer team. Mr. Posh Spice will be raking in almost $1,000,000 US per week. Maybe it's not too late to change careers. I can kick a soccer ball and I am still in good shape. How hard can it be?

Technorati Tags: meetings, careers, sports

Finally, More Answers (and It's Delurking Week)

Toryssa asked:

How old are you? And how old are your kids? And what's the last book you read?

1) How old am I? That is highly confidential. I think the Official Secrets Act prevents me from revealing that data. Wait, wasn't the name of the act changed to The Security of Information Act? In any case, my lips are sealed.

2) 5.5 years & 20 months. Both are far cuter than I am.

3) Shite's Unoriginal Miscellany. Hey, it's funny and educational. Of course, many would argue that it is a lame and unsuccessful parody of Schott's Original Miscellany, and I think they would be correct. Still, I did laugh a few times.

Update: I just read that it is delurking week. So, all of you lurkers, please delurk.

Technorati Tags: questions, answers

How to Fix Basketball

I'm not suggesting that basketball is really broken, but simply that it could be improved. I don't even watch basketball, or football, or sports of any kind - except the Olympics - although I used to. I'd watch hockey and baseball and football. But who has time to sit for three or four hours in front of the TV watching guys slap each other on the ass? I did watch parts of the World Cup, however, which included Bloody Marys and snacks and too many people in a small room.

Years ago, I was listening to Finkleman's 45s. I can't take any credit for finding this radio program or for even being a fan. K listened to it, and I was listening along one evening. Usually, Danny had a lot to say about coffee, and whether it was good for you or not. Every week, a new coffee study was released, and he gave us the good or bad news. The show could have been called the Coffee Show. Of course, I drank coffee back then, lots of coffee with lots of caffeine, unlike now. I drink decaf every now and then. I know it's probably uncool, but do I look like I care?

One day, after a survey of the recent coffee news, Danny offered three options for improving basketball. He said, and I paraphrase:

1) Start each team at 100 points, and let them play for 10 minutes;
2) Raise the height of the baskets to something like 15 feet, from the current 10 feet;
3) Enforce an average height limit on each team. This means that you could have a very tall player, but it would have to be balanced out by some shorter guys, the kind you might see in a circus or sideshow.

I have another idea:

Reduce the points awarded for slam dunks from 2 to 1. Let's not forget that James Naismith, the Canadian doctor who invented the sport, argued that the baskets ought to be high enough to prevent a player from simply pushing the ball through from above. Well, that idea failed badly.

The slam dunk just seems too easy, especially if one is tall enough. Throwing the ball requires more skill. After all, they award free throws, not free dunks, because throwing the ball in the basket is obviously harder than stuffing it in from above. By the way, when I was in high school I could touch the rim!

So, in summary, I would like the NBA to award 1 point from slam dunks (and maybe even for lay ups), 2 points for a basket, and 3 points for shots beyond the arch. Maybe they could even award 4 points for shots taken past half court.

The sad truth is, I still would not watch the game.

Technorati Tags: basketball, sports, Finkleman's 45s, coffee

Keyword Mayhem, Part 5

OK, so here is a new list of keywords that people have used to get here. Some of them are truly bizarre and perplexing. My concern is not so much why they ended up here with these search terms, but why on earth are they searching for these things? Someone tell me, please.

picture of a hot men wearing a speedo: my dad, evidently - shudder.

steak and kidney pie is nasty: agreed

fungus pee: say what?

how to eat a banana: isn't it obvious?

diapers on train in china: yup, I have a whole post on that!

japanese adult diapers: who know, the man (or woman) might have a problem

edible petroleum: there's nothing finer than edible oil products. Mmmmm.

the moose is on the loose elliot: I hate this theme song, and I am stunned that this is probably the most common search term people use to find this blog. People want the lyrics, even though they are crystal clear and inane .

Why do people think librarians are mean?: who thinks that? I am a nice guy.

shirley olympic hurdles smoke: What?

we killed marian the librarian: believe me, she is not dead.

"only one valid reason to drink or use milk": as far as I am concerned, there is no good reason, but I have been through that before.

stupid stores toronto: I could name a few.

fish lost appetite: it will soon die, I suppose.

drink milk boob: fetish, maybe?

whorish makeup: fetish, maybe?

peeing in pool water turns purple: all kiddie pools have pee in them. Get over it.

sister sucks her younger brother's penis: honestly, I never said anything of the sort. Must be a case of a bad retrieval.

Zydeco Clothes: I wear them everyday.

"erect nipples video": obviously, a guy entered this search term.

book report on - on my honor by marion dane bauer: someone trying to plagiarize?

lithuania deodorant: huh?

nude OR naked "lost bet" -casino: strip poker?

"an elderly gay man": Hmmmmm, looking for a date?

nympho librarian: that's not me, and I don't know of any.

sexy filipina: not me either, and I don't know of any.

the difference between white trash and redneck: Well, my brother is whitetrash.

closer bone sweeter meat: Pervert!

i hate getting paid monthly: who doesn't?

princeton rub: yes, I did mention that once.

Technorati Tags: keywords, web searching

And Still no Snow in Toronto

If you haven't seen An Inconvenient Truth, you should. If you haven't seen The End of Suburbia, you should. Just don't watch them back-to-back; that would be far too depressing.

I recommend Al Gore's film just based on the fact that it demonstrates the most outstanding use of PowerPoint I have ever seen. Too many people make such atrocious use of PowerPoint, it should be - in the hands of these people - renamed RedundantPoint or BoringPoint. Al does it correctly.

You know what I am talking about: someone at a conference or a presentation projects slides full of text. You read each in a few seconds, and then you have to wait for them to read it. Boring, boring, boring.

Anyway, while the cycling guy in me is loving this winter, I am feeling really sad for the polar bears. A huge chunk of Ellesmere Island just broke off. It is 3 degrees in Toronto, heading up to 5 degrees later today. And, there is not a flake of snow in sight.

I really hope this winter will convince those jokers (notably Stephen Harper and George Bush) to do something, like ratify the Kyoto Accord. That would be a nice thing to do before part of Manhattan is flooded.

Technorati Tags: winter, global warming, Kyoto, PowerPoint, End of Suburbia, An Inconvenient Truth, Al Gore

Trapped in the Women's Washroom: A True Story (or, finally, I have finished this post)

I think it was Edmunston, New Brunswick on the drive back from a soggy camping trip, during which I camped in the rain in all three maritime provinces. Forget rain dances or cloud seeding: if you want rain, just hire me to go camping where you want it to fall. I am rain man.

By Edmunston, my bladder needed relief, so we (A and I) pulled up to some sort of a mall-like place and headed in. This was long enough ago that I cannot remember the name of the store, but it was something like Zellers or K-mart. Anyway, we found the washrooms easily enough, but they were locked and a notice said that we had to ask to be buzzed in. Just as I was about to ask the attendant, A said, "just come into the women's washroom."

I am not sure why that sounded like a good idea. I must have assumed that this would have been a small washroom with one stall. Later, I wondered if it had to do with a childhood experience. When I was 12 or 13, I had a part-time job doing some custodial work for a local idiot. I tidied up, emptied ash trays (that skill came in very handy when I later worked as a bartender), and some other mundane tasks.

The highlight came when I went into the women's washroom after some event. What a palace! The men's room can only be described as dirty, ugly, utilitarian, and boring. You know, there were urinals, toilets, sinks, paper towels, mirrors, etc. In contrast, the women's washroom had bizarre dispensers on the wall, better colours, and get this - a sofa! I had never seen a sofa in a washroom before. What luxury. What decadence. Even at that age, I knew that women tended to go to the can in herds, and now I knew why. They sat on the sofa and lounged.

You see, that would never work in a men's room (for many reasons). Besides, no one wants to linger too long in a men's washroom. There is too much risk of an overt attack on one's olfactory nerve.

Years later, I wondered if I went into the women's bathroom to verify that there is some serious inequities in washrooms. In all of those years, I have never encountered anything that could be described as luxury in a men's washroom. Well, there were those few washroom attendants who hand you towels, but I always felt sorry for them, having to sit there listening to men fart and groan.

So, I went in and was amazed to discover a huge washroom, complete with about 10 stalls, half a dozen sinks, but, sadly, no sofa or chair of any variety. This was New Brunswick, so maybe that was the reason. Clearly, there are no urinals in female restrooms, so I choose a stall, dropped my pants, and then, before I could even start, about ten women came in. There I was, pants around my ankles, afraid to go, fearing that the sound of masculine micturition would give away my gender, when I had already done so, by dropping my drawers. Women, I found out later, do not do that: they only pull them part way down. Who knew?

Eventually, I had to go, and managed to keep it quiet. The trouble was, there was a constant stream of women coming in, and I panicked that I would never be able to leave. A loitered in front of the mirror, waiting for a good time to usher me out of my temporary prison. After half an hour, or so it seemed, she gave the all-clear. We walked to the door, and opened it, just as a large group of women flooded in. We got very strange looks and one women looked so perplexed, I thought she would summon security, so I fled as fast as I could - without looking like a shoplifter - to the Volkswagen in the parking lot.

Technorati Tags: Edmunston, washrooms, restrooms, bathrooms

My Pants are Falling Down

I am now boycotting Gap & Old Navy denim (I should have done this ages ago when I heard about The Gap and slave labour). I remember, back in the day when I was concerned about the appearance of my ass, always worrying about whether the denim I was about to purchase would shrink, and by how much. These were key issues in my younger days. After purchasing jeans from The Gap & Old Navy, I find myself wondering just how much they will stretch.

A few days after I had first purchased this inferior denim, I thought I had suddenly dropped ten pounds. They hung down around my ass like those hip hop guys, exposing the waistband of my underwear. I kept pulling them up, worrying that they would fall off while I was standing in front of a class of undergrads discussing searching techniques. Then, I put on another pair of my pants, and they fit fine. It was like I was in that episode of M*A*S*H*. You know the one.

The next time I bought jeans from The Gap, the same thing happened. I tried them on; they fit; then, they stretched all to hell. I clued in after that and I bought the next pair two sizes too small so I could stretch into them. The problem is, that pair had a kind of distressed look. A small imperfection suddenly grew into an enormous hole only after a few weeks.

That's it for me and jeans from these awful stores.

Technorati Tags: New Year's resolutions,resolutions, jeans, denim, Old Navy, Gap

The Best of Zydeco Fish 2006
(read best of 2005)

It may seem a bit ridiculous to recap 2006, since it was almost a non-blogging year. I did blog, but with great gaps between posts and far fewer posts than usual. I was even called a twit once! Such strong language from the right wing; it almost makes me blush.

So, here it is - my top five posts of 2006:

1) The End of Bathing - I have re-written this and made it much longer, but I am not sure when it will be ready for public viewing.

2) The Paranoid Side Step - I am feeling nostalgic recently about lots of stuff, including music. That might have prompted this post.

3) I have to Ask Myself - On Christmas trees and my family. I think I chose this post because of the photo :-)

4) An Open Letter to Jacob Richler - Because I am an avid cyclist.

5) Untitled - Perhaps the best post ever...

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Happy Whatever

I hope you all have a fabulous holiday, if you get one, that is. This is my last day at work until early January. I may or may get around to posting during the holidays, but you are all used to that anyway.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, etc.

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What do you get when you cross a Cockroach with a Spider?

In a recent dream, evolution took a strange twist. The giants insects that invaded my house were half spider and half cockroach. Imagine a cockroach that could spin a web. Unfortunately, this evolutionary change was not such a good one for the poor roach, because half the bug wanted to hide when it sensed danger, while the spider half really didn't care. So, whenever I entered a room, the cockroach side tucked itself away, leaving the spider half exposed. So, I was able to easily step on the enormous bugs, leaving a gelatinous bloody pool on the floor.

Dream interpretations are welcome.

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A New Year's Eve Story from Long Long Ago

I like Reggae. I really do, and I have one Bob Marley CD to prove it. I have a UB40 LP too - you remember vinyl, right? - and some English Beat on cassette if that counts. But, I am getting ahead of myself.

I've been noticing that New Year's Eve is coming up. Xmas too, but that's another issue. In my youth, I would stay home on New Year's Eve while my parents went out and drank somewhere with friends. Later, I suspected that some serious wife-swapping was going on, but I had no proof. At home, my brother and I (and sometimes my sister) would stay up late drinking pop and eating chips. Well, that was until my sister was old enough to go out with boyfriends in their cars and my brother hooked up with his ex-hooker girlfriend.

On occasion, a friend might come over and we would watch Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. Evidently, the man is still alive. Until Dick had his stroke, I assumed that he was some sort of robot, never aging and always boring. But, that is not what this post is about. This post is about Reggae music: Bob Marley, Eddie Grant, Mighty Diamonds, Musical Youth.

Maybe it was the fact that I was in Waterloo at the time. I went to University there for two years once, but before that, I knew very little of the place. One New Years' Eve, we ended up at a strange and small party filled with the socially-desperate. It's difficult to say why that happened. Wait, it was because of the woman I was with. She attracted the social misfits, not that they were necessarily bad. Some were fascinating, but not this bunch. They were ostracized for good reason.

So, some dude showed up with a boom box and some CDs. He put on a Reggae disc and we chilled. Somebody broke out the Dubonet on ice (I can't think of that without reflecting on Berlin), but I stuck with beer as this was back in the days when I could drink beer. I drank; I chatted - as best as I could with the socially-challenged, or maybe they were socially-desperate.

A full two hours after the dude put on the first CD, some sharp cookie (and it wasn't me) realized that no CD could really be that long. Here's the punch line, in case you are scanning for it: he had hit repeat. But, we didn't listen to the same CD twice or maybe three times. We had two hours of the same Reggae tune. It took two hours for someone to notice! Not even the dude who brought the CDs noticed.

Ok, so this story is not as funny as I thought it was.

Technorati Tags: New Year's Eve, Reggae

New

OK, so here's a new template. I was sick of the old one. I haven't migrated to the new version of Blogger, because Blogger says I can't. I may choose a new template when I do shift over. Happy Monday.

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Self Portrait #7
(Self Portrait #6)

That's me.

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