Cockroaches

OK, so I just found a cockroach in my office! I put my hand in my drawer to get something, and my hand came out with a cockroach on it. Yikes! I may need to move my office higher in the building. I have lived with these little bastards in two different places, and I hate them. I have a few choice cockroach stories, but I'll leave that for another day. The good news is, the exterminator is coming. That means we will be seeing lots of dead and dying insects, since an infestation was recently discovered in the staff room. I guess they migrated to my office.

On my way to give an instructional session to 25, or so, engineers yesterday, a bird shat on me. I hear that's good luck, but, not on a black shirt. I had to find a bathroom and try to get the shit out, but when there are no paper towels, that is a hard thing to do. That's the trouble with hand dryers. Damn the hand dryers. I hate the noise they make anyway, but they can make your hands nice and toasty.

When I got to the class, I discovered that the TA was missing and, after a few minutes, I realized that he probably had a better offer. So, I had to collect the assignments, introduce myself, and then thank myself. I did a good job, of course.

Happy Friday.

Technorati Tags: cockroaches, roaches, insects, vermin, pests, TAs, teaching

Survivor is out of Ideas

I guess it had to happen. Survivor (starting September 14th) is pitting the races against each other in the upcoming season. The four tribes are African-American, Asian-American, Hispanic, and White. I have no idea why the last two aren't Hispanic-American and White-American, but that's another story.

Survivor already did the gender wars and the old versus young, and, since the rating were low last time out, they needed some new and controversial angle. If the series can hang on after this season, I have plenty of other controversial ideas, like:

lawyers vs comedians
gay vs straight
dwarves vs librarians
cops vs ex-cons (when Richard Hatch is released from prison)
porn stars vs nuns & priests
obese vs skinny
children vs adults
drug addicts vs alcoholics
Canada vs USA
Bloods vs Crips
farmers vs chefs
pilots vs bakers
presidential interns vs rent boys

And that's just off the top of my head. Feel free to add yours.

It just occurred to me that it feels like Monday, and then I realized that it is Monday.

Technorati Tags: Survivor, reality TV, TV

Away

Just when you thought I might be back, I will be unable to blog for the next week, or so. Yesterday's post is good, so read that.

The End of Bathing

This is about my mother. She is fragile, in her late 60s, vacant - the doctor said so. He said she was empty, but the meaning is the same. She stares a lot, says little, except when she remembers to take her pills. On those days, she speaks with hypermania. It's a challenge to keep up.

Her red skin is contoured with blue veins, just like her father's. She wears a red and blue map on her face. Her grey hair is tinged with yellow from 50 years of cigarettes, 50 years of exhaling into emptiness. I remember her portrait softened by smoke, stinking of stale tobacco. She is old now, older than her years.

She found her way into the bathtub, managed to lower herself with her frail arms. Bathing is out-of-fashion in the house she shares with her mother. They prefer to stand over the sink and sponge bathe. Installing a shower is too expensive, not that there is any shortage of money. The bank accounts are full, the house paid, but my grandmother still buys her clothes from thrift shops and lawn sales as though it is 1935.

I try not to picture it - my mother clawing at the side of the white enamel, failing to achieve any kind of grip, her feet finding no purchase in the slick tub. She calls for help from her 87 year old mother. Maybe she can lift her out, but my grandmother is too weak herself, with her two plastic knees and two plastic hips. She looks as strong as ever, kind of like an ox or a streetcar. She is thick, heavy, with fingers that point in all directions of space at once, thanks to her arthritis.

The next thing to do is call to the neighbour to free my mother. I am reminded of that old folk tale, the Enormous Potato. They will form a chain: my grandmother, the neighbour all pulling. Soon, there will be a dog, a cat, and a mouse all lending a hand. Instead, the neighbour fails and they resort to contacting Emergency Services. Someone dials 911. An ambulance arrives with two paramedics. They hoist her from the tub, leave the stretcher by the door, and retreat to talk about that one with their colleagues. This is the one about the woman who couldn't get out of the bathtub. It's not an urban legend.

Technorati Tags: mother, grandmother, bathing, bathtub, 911, emergency, trapped

I Just Cleaned my Office!

And, or some reason, it gives me a great sense of satisfaction, like I actually accomplished something important, rather than doing the obvious, expected and mundane. But, I am feeling buzzed anyway. There is white space (actually taupe space) on my desk, new places to put things, ample room for paper expansion. On the downside, I have created more files in those ubiquitous manila file folders, now hung in my filing cabinet, where they will probably languish for years before being dumped in a big blue bin with the final words "sweet fancy Moses, why in god's name did I keep this junk?"

What ever happened to the paperless office? I have more paper than ever, and a growing file of electronic documents and email backfiles cluttering my computer, not to mention music and photographs. It's seems like I am going crazy digitizing the analog, and analogizing the digital, if that makes sense. Talk about duplication.

It's a long weekend for me, and the other Ontarions out there, who are granted the first Monday in August off to celebrate Simcoe Day. John Graves Simcoe was the first Lieutenant Governor of Upper Canada (now Ontario).

Wow, that's two posts in two days, but don't get excited.

Technorati Tags: cleaning, offices, my office, files, paper, Simcoe

I Won and other Stuff

I must be seriously ambivalent about blogging, for I let this blog's 3rd anniversary pass without comment. Right now, it's too hot to blog. A while ago, I was too busy. Today - despite the heat - I am blogging, but without any kind of enthusiasm. But, here's a post anyway.

The other day, I was reflecting on the fact that many of the really cool inventions recently were my idea, I just never had the money or the technical expertise to make them happen. For example, I had the idea for the Blackberry about 13 years ago while sitting in a Research Methods class. I thought that it would be really cool to have a small device that I could use to send an email message to a person sitting across from me. Of course, I didn't call it a Blackberry: I referred to it as a "Pocket Email Device", or PED, for short.

I had the idea for MP3s and MP3 players long before the technology was "invented." I never liked Walkmen (or is it Walkmans?). Carrying around all of those cassettes was really awful. Same goes for the CD Walkman. I had a huge CD collection, and I thought, wouldn't it be great to carry around all of my music, if I could someone compress it and put it on a tiny computer. Of course, I didn't think of the term MP3: I referred to it as a "Pocket Music Device", or PMD, for short.

I also had the idea for laptop or notebook computers. I thought it was ridiculous to always have to use the computer in one place. Wouldn't it be better if you could carry your computer with you, if it could be made smaller, like the size of a binder? Of course, I didn't think of the terms laptop or notebook: I referred to it as a "Mobile Computing Device", or MCD, for short.

I had lots of other ideas that were usurped too, like the cellular phone (Portable Talking Device, or PTD, for short), the Digital Camera, Compact Discs, DVDs, Digital Camcorders, Goldfish Crackers, Soy Milk, and the Mullet.

Here's a new idea, and one I hope someone will get on with. I really hate power cords. I hate batteries more, but power cords are so restricting. Let me ask you this: wouldn't it be great to be able to place your appliance (fridge, stove, stereo, personal massager, etc) where ever you want, without having to be concerned about outlets and plugging it in? I am talking about wireless electricity. The power is delivered to your house by cables, but then power outlets are replaced by new power distributors that send the electricity through the air to any device requiring power. One outlet per room should be able to power all devices in a typical room. I call it Wireless Electricity, or WIEL, for short.

In other news, I found out a couple of weeks ago that I won an award from Johns Hopkins press for the best article appearing in one of the Johns Hopkins Press journals. I get a plaque, a nice letter, and $500 US. Congratulations to me.

Technorati Tags: blogging, inventions, mp3s, Blackberry, computers, electricity, awards

Zydeco Fish is Still Alive & One More Answer

I was amazed to learn that almost one month has passed since my last post. Yikes. I have no good excuse, so I won't even try to come up with one. Along the way, I had a few good ideas for posts, but they were lost, usually while sleeping. Of course, after a drink or two, I have lots to say, but little that anyone would want to hear (unless they have also had a drink or two). I still think a good idea for a blog would be a drunk blog in which the person certifies that he or she will only post while drunk. Maybe one already exists. After all, there are blogs about virtually everything else.

I have lost track of LeafGirl77. Her blog seems to have been dismantled. Where did you go, Leaf Girl?

Hey, why don't I answer another question?

Chris Nolan.ca asks:

Where do you work? See for some reason I always thought it was UofT, but something recently made me thing Ryerson.

I'll reserve my answer for a later date. Someday, I will tell you. I promise. I may be close to retirement when it happens, but I will make an announcement.

Oh, and who was your third grade teacher? Tell us a story about that.

Interesting question. She was either called Miss Dennis or Miss Denis. I'd have to check my old report cards to be certain. I recall that once she tried to explain the difference between unfertilized chicken eggs and fertilized chicken eggs. The obvious question arose, and them she had a very difficult time coming up with a good answer.

That's not very interesting, but it's all I can come up with right now. Sorry to give such a disappointing answer.

Sadly, I will not be able to blog tomorrow or Friday or on the weekend, but I am sure you expect that now.

Technorati Tags: blogging, leafgirl, answers

Panic on the Streets

Well, not panic, but mayhem. The ride in today was very unpleasant because of all of the extra cars on the road. Of course, there were extra bicycles too and more pedestrians. It makes me wonder why these people can't walk or cycle every day. Transit should be shut down from time to time to get people off of their asses.

All of that extra exhaust was really disgusting. Oil production may have peaked, and I am not so sure it is a bad thing.

Technorati Tags: Toronto, transit, TTC, oil, cycling

I Blog in my Sleep and other Curiosities ... I mean Complaints

A few nights back, I dreamed about blogging. In that dream, I posted something to my blog (!) but I can't remember what it was about. I often fall asleep with fantastic blog ideas running through my head, only to find that I have forgotten them by morning, which is probably a good thing. What sounds great in near paralysis is probably not. In my dream, I also commented on some blogs. How bizarre is that? I guess that was some sort of sign.

About two weeks ago, I lost my cell phone. As some of you might know, when one loses a cell phone, one is in for a major expense. You can't get a new one for that insanely low price you pay when you activate it. No way. That Motorola Razr you can get for either $49 or $99 costs $450! What really pisses me off is that when I called Bell Mobility to say that I lost my phone, the first thing I was told is that I am still responsible for my contract. I called to have my number cancelled, and I got phone discipline. I know some people would happily pay for a good session of phone discipline, but this was terrible customer service. Of course, I could activate an old phone, but none of the phones I acquired will work on the Bell network. I either have to come up with $299 to cancel my contract, or pay an unreasonable price for a phone that is a piece of crap. Bell sucks.

I got a flat tire on my bike while riding on Dundas Street. The only good thing about it was the fact that the tire made a satisfying "pop!" when it was punctured by a sharp piece of metal.

I have to pay $500 in income tax. When I was on leave last summer, no Federal tax was deducted. I realized after the fact. Taxes suck.

I think I am complaining too much. In the good news department, I attended part of the International Photobloggers Meetup in Toronto last weekend. That was cool, and I met many photographers from all over the map (like Florida, Wisconsin, and Liverpool).

Technorati Tags: blogging, dreams, cell phones, Bell, cycling, flat tire, taxes, photobloggers

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Technorati Tags: all work and no play makes zydeco fish a dull boy

No Progress

So, I started to write my trapped in the women's washroom story, but it is not going well. It is far too long and not as interesting as I had remembered. So, I am sitting here, working and listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor's Slow Riot For New Zero Kanada. Well, not really working, 'cause I am typing this, but it is lunch, and so I am diverted from work, which is a good thing. Oh, the CD is over ... let me change it to ... let's see ... how about ARC. Okay, ARC it is (this is the Aidan Baker ARC, not the other ones). OK, somehow, it is now 4:12. How did that happen?

You see, this post is going nowhere, but - trust me - it is far more interesting than my attempt at desrcibing the time I got trapped in a women's washroom. Okay, here is an exceprt from the draft:

I am not sure why that sounded like a good idea. I suppose I assumed that this would have been a small washroom with one stall. Years later, I wondered if it had to do with an experience I had when I was 12 or 13. I had a part-time job doing some custodial work for a local idiot. I tidied up, emptied ash trays (a skill that came in very handy when I later worked as a bartender), and some other mundane tasks.

The highlight came when I went into the women's washroom after some event. What a palace! The men's room could only be descibed as dirty, ugly, utilitarian, and boring. You know, there were urinals, toilets, sinks, paper towels, mirrors, etc. In contrast, the women's washroom had bizarre dispensers on the wall, better colours, and get this - a sofa! I had never seen a sofa in a washroom before. What luxury. What decadence. Even at that age, I knew that women tended to go to the can in herds, and now I knew why. They sat on the sofa, smoked, chatted and generally lounged about. But, what did they talk about?

As an aside, I will say that I have many many drafts in Blogger that will probably never see the light of day. Do you?

Link of the day: http://zydecofish.youaremighty.com/

Technorati Tags: washrooms, gender, music, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, ARC, Aidan Baker

Photojunkie

I have been absent from the Blogosphere for a few days. I can't really say why, other than to say that perhaps I was afflicted with some sort of blogging malaise, or blogging indifference, or blogging boredom, or blogging fatigue. You get the idea.

On Saturday, I checked out the opening of Toronto Squared, a photography exhibit by Rannie Turingan (aka Photojunkie). It runs until June 6th at Le Petit Dejeuner, 191 King Street East, Toronto. Of course, I did not know anyone there, but then I found out afterwards that two of my Flickr contacts were there - I just did not recognize them. Also, the Accordion Guy was there, but I don't know him either. And, I got an email today from someone else who was there. We sort of cyber-know each other but we had never met in person.

I spoke with Rannie for about 5 seconds. We had never met before. I am considering passing along the URL for my photoblog. If that happens, my anonymity is completely blown.

So, I guess I will start posting again. Coming up: Trapped in the Women's Washroom: A True Story.

Technorati Tags: blogging, photography, photojunkie, Rannie Turingan

Weird Dream

So, I had this dream last night in which both my mother and father had been committed to the same psychiatric hospital. It was scarier than One flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It just seemed darker and grittier, like they were in some sort of Victorian poorhouse. My dad even wore a ratty old bath robe with yellow stripes.

I was not so surprised that my mother had ended up there, but my father in that situation makes no sense. He is far too grounded and aware to ever lose it in that way. Besides, I am not sure he could handle the embarrassment of being committed. In the dream, he kept prodding me and pinching me and I felt that at any moment, he would strike me, perhaps lethally. Again, I find this very odd because he is essentially a pacifist. When I was a child, the strap that hung in the closet was only ever used by my mother. She wielded that half inch thick leather strap with great craft.

Two days ago, I found out that my mother requires dialysis three times per week, but I am not sure that this information led to that dream.

Later, I had a dream about a visit to a strange farm that featured disconsolate chickens, an angry goat, and a dyspeptic pig. Now that was entertaining.

Technorati Tags: dreams, mother, father, psychiatric hospitals, farms, chickens, goats, pigs

Answers, Part 4

Doris Night asks: "how much is that doggie in the window?"

That depends.

1) If you go to a Humane Society, you can get one free, or almost free. I think that there is some sort of administration fee. Let me check...yes, the Toronto Humane Society charges $25 for a cat, $50 for a dog, $20 for a bunny - I am not sure if that comes with a recipe - and $4 to $65 for mice, birds, gerbils, guinea pigs, and ferrets (in other words, food for your pet snake). So, come to Toronto with $50 and you can walk away with a vicious killer of your choice. OK, just kidding: I am sure that there are some very pleasant dogs at the Humane Society. They may be anti-social, but I am sure they just need love. I guess the Humane Society of New York would be closer, right?

2) Do you really want a dog that has been on display behind some glass? I have heard that these kinds of dogs may not be so healthy, and that some come from puppy mills. I say, forget about the pet shop dog.

3) I did a Google search for you and found out that you can get a puppy for as little as $50 - as you already know - and as much as $1500. How much money do you have to spend?

Arf! Arf!

Technorati Tags: dogs, pets, Humane Society

Toes

So, I was cycling in, minding my own business, when I saw this Asian lady crossing the street. I know that many Asian people are very fashion forward. Why, just the other day, I saw an Asian (perhaps Korean?) girl wearing a yellow coat with orange rubber boots and a pink handbag. It was very colourful. However, when I saw this lady crossing Harbord Street, I thought, my God, that has to be the most grievous fashion error since parachute pants.

She was wearing, and I have no idea what to call them, boots that were like sandals. I guess you could call them sandal boots or boot sandals. But, let me explain. First, they were a most horrid shade of beige. Very little good comes out of beige (as proof, I remind myself that every room in my ex-in-laws' house was painted beige - but that was years ago, and maybe things have changed). Each boot also had two brown stripes that only added to the travesty. Are you getting this? OK, so they were low boots, kinda like the ones my grandmother would wear, but they had open toes! This can't be a good look for anyone, and I have to say that I was slightly nauseated. Mind you, I refused to expose my toes in public until I was in my mid-twenties.

I did go to the beach and swam in pools, but you would never catch me wearing sandals in public. Even now, I am very careful about that. And, I can never see a movie while wearing sandals because the damn air conditioning is way too intense in summer.

In other news, I am back from my long weekend. Actually, I was back yesterday, but I had no energy to post anything. That's all I have today. I need more sleep.

Technorati Tags: boots, sandals, toes, fashion

Answers, Part 3

Kyahgirl has a few questions. I will tackle two in this post:

Have you met any blogger buddies in real life?

Why, yes I have. I know a handful of bloggers in real life, but only two that are listed in my blogroll. I have known Running42k, proprietor of Musings of Middle Age, for many years. We were roommates in our first year of University and we were next door neighbours the year after in the same residence. Here is a picture of him from back-in-the-day.

As it happens, in the second year, I was the only person on our floor - aside from the House Advisor - not to get an "Incident Report." I believe Running42K's came when he threw some heavy object out of his window and nearly hit the Hall Advisor. Talk about bad aim. If I am not mistaken, that was the same night that I put R42k's phone in his freezer, but I am not really sure why. It just seemed to fit. I could go on and on about residence life, but that is probably enough for now. By the way, there was an incident or two that probably deserved an Incident Report, but I was smart enough to keep out of harm's way.

The other person I know is Katherine, from Wabisabi, which is in many ways a blog about knitting, but also more. She and I went through the Master of Library Science program at a large North American University. I have certain opinions about that program. She is also my ex-girlfriend (I hope she doesn't mind me saying that so publicly). She was the first urban cyclist I met, and I soon decided that cycling in Toronto was a good idea.

Have you been out West?

Yes. I went to Edmonton in February several years ago. I was flown out for a job interview. I was not entirely taken with Edmonton, but it was February and something like minus 55 degrees. The sky was very blue, however. I spent some time on Whyte Avenue, and that was cool.

I went to Vancouver about 6 years ago, where I presented a paper at a conference with a co-worker. I loved Vancouver, even though I mistakenly walked right through Junkieville. That was interesting.

If I keep answering questions, I'll never have to think of an original idea again for this blog.

Technorati Tags: bloggers, friends, residence, Edmonton, Vancouver

Answers, Part 2

Next, Super Happy Jen of Super Happy Jen's Super Happy Blog, asks a complicated question. I should really ask her why she is so happy. I mean, what's that all about? She lives in some sort of super happy world. Everything about her is happy. It's all happy, happy, happy. If you want a happy little blogging diversion, visit Super Happy Jen for a little happiness. She says, "Most people think I am the most hilarious girl in the world - even when I'm trying to be serious!" I can't believe that she is both hilarious and happy.

So, here is her question:

So you know those Klingon warriors from Star Trek? Not the Original Series.

Yes (so far, so good).

I'm talking full bumpy forehead, crooked yellow teeth, armor, bat'leth, lots of cleavage.

I am secretly wondering why she knows how to spell bat'leth.

Anyway (we are getting close to the question), say you were hanging out in the 24th century and one of them asked you out on a date. What would your response be and why?

I think my answer would be, what the fuck am I doing in the 24th century? And, perhaps more importantly, why am I in a fictional 24th century? This would presuppose that I have either gone completely insane or that time travel is real and that one could move into fictional universes. So, I can't see any way that I would ever be in such a situation, without the influence of something like hallucinogenic drugs or complete mental collapse. OK, I know that this is a scenario question, so I will play along.

If a male Klingon asked me on a date, I would say no: I'm not gay, not even for Klingons (not that there's anything wrong with that). Now, supposing a female Klingon asked me on a date, I would say no as well. I'd be worried that she would accidentally kill me. Now if a green woman asked me out...

Does that answer your question?

Technorati Tags: answers, Star Trek, Super Happy Jen

Answers, Part 1

Liz, from Library Tavern asks: "If you were a nut, what kind would you be?"

Well, that's a tough one. If you had asked me what my favourite nut is, I would probably have said the almond. You know, if you split in half just right with your teeth, you will notice that they are delightfully smooth on the tongue. I am also a fan of almond butter, despite the hefty price. What kind of nut would I be is a far more difficult question.

I like cashews, but they are not nuts: they are seeds, although some people persist in arguing that they are nuts. Anyway, I don't think I would like that kidney shape. I can rule out the coconut - not a true nut either - and the peanut, for it is far too common (not to mention that it is not a true nut either). Walnuts are over-rated and bitter and the Brazil nut is far too much work to get into.

I considered the filbert and the hazelnut (close nut relatives). In the end, I would have to choose the pistachio.

Why? Well, just read this sentence from the Wikipedia entry: "When the fruit ripens, the shells split open partially. This happens with an audible pop, and legend has it that lovers who stand under a pistachio tree at night and hear the nuts popping open will have good luck."

That is cool.

By the way, if you want to ask me a question, do it here.

Technorati Tags: answers, nuts, pistachios

An Open Letter to Jacob Richler

Dear Mr. Richler,

I deleted the first letter I wrote to you because it was filled with profanity. The letter was excessive and most probably cathartic at the same time. I am sure I can get through this letter with far fewer expletives.

I read with great interest your attack on cyclists in yesterday's National Post (p. A10). If I understand you correctly, you are pissed off because you got a parking ticket and now you think that the law should come down on all cycling "freeloaders" because we use roads "built on the hard-working backs of motorists, and who get around without contributing gas taxes, or helping the local automobile industry or anything useful at all." Mr. Richler, many cyclists own cars as well as bikes, and we pay our fair share of taxes.

I pay a huge amount of taxes: I pay property taxes, sales taxes, and income taxes. I support the local bicycle industry and my local bicycle repair shops too. I do this while not polluting the air with exhaust fumes, or by supporting the environmentally-damaging petroleum industry, and the wars waged on its behalf. Your statement that cyclists don't contribute "anything useful at all" is both ridiculous and ignorant.

Your run-in with that cyclist on Yonge Street is regrettable, but would it be fair to characterize all automobile drivers by the behaviour of a few? There are some cyclists who ignore the rules of the road, and who ride dangerously. I have no problem with fines for dangerous cycling. The tone of your opinion piece is negative to all cyclists. You refer to bicycles as "monsters on two wheels." Clearly, you have no respect for any cyclist and, despite what you claim, it is obvious that you hate them.

The next time you get a parking ticket, just remember that the parking laws are there for a good reason: that is, so you can have a place to park. If everyone was permitted to park wherever they wanted, there would be SUVs on the sidewalks in front of Starbucks all across the city.

I suggest that you park your car for a few weeks and try to navigate the streets of Toronto by bicycle. (I would have suggested that you try the TTC, but I remembered that you hate the TTC. And, I also recall that you hate the Green Bin program as well. What is it with you and progess?). Anyway, get on a bike and you will quickly learn that the streets of Toronto are very dangerous to cyclists. I'd like to read a column about how well you did on a two wheeled monster when surrounded by a sea of 2000 pound automobiles.

Technorati Tags: Jacob Richler, cycling, bicycles, taxes, cars, parking tickets, National Post, Toronto, petroleum

Ask Me

OK, here is your chance. I am finishing up a long report and have no time to post today. (By the way, that was an April Fool's joke: I am not sure I have the discipline to become a monk of any variety). So, I invite you to ask me questions. I know, other bloggers have done this, so I don't claim that it is original in any way.

Go ahead. If you are dying to know how tall I am, how much I weigh, what colour my eyes are, the last book I read, the last movie I saw, my favourite food, etc. Ask, and I might answer.

Technorati Tags: questions