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No Progress

So, I started to write my trapped in the women's washroom story, but it is not going well. It is far too long and not as interesting as I had remembered. So, I am sitting here, working and listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor's Slow Riot For New Zero Kanada. Well, not really working, 'cause I am typing this, but it is lunch, and so I am diverted from work, which is a good thing. Oh, the CD is over ... let me change it to ... let's see ... how about ARC. Okay, ARC it is (this is the Aidan Baker ARC, not the other ones). OK, somehow, it is now 4:12. How did that happen?

You see, this post is going nowhere, but - trust me - it is far more interesting than my attempt at desrcibing the time I got trapped in a women's washroom. Okay, here is an exceprt from the draft:

I am not sure why that sounded like a good idea. I suppose I assumed that this would have been a small washroom with one stall. Years later, I wondered if it had to do with an experience I had when I was 12 or 13. I had a part-time job doing some custodial work for a local idiot. I tidied up, emptied ash trays (a skill that came in very handy when I later worked as a bartender), and some other mundane tasks.

The highlight came when I went into the women's washroom after some event. What a palace! The men's room could only be descibed as dirty, ugly, utilitarian, and boring. You know, there were urinals, toilets, sinks, paper towels, mirrors, etc. In contrast, the women's washroom had bizarre dispensers on the wall, better colours, and get this - a sofa! I had never seen a sofa in a washroom before. What luxury. What decadence. Even at that age, I knew that women tended to go to the can in herds, and now I knew why. They sat on the sofa, smoked, chatted and generally lounged about. But, what did they talk about?

As an aside, I will say that I have many many drafts in Blogger that will probably never see the light of day. Do you?

Link of the day: http://zydecofish.youaremighty.com/

Technorati Tags: washrooms, gender, music, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, ARC, Aidan Baker

Photojunkie

I have been absent from the Blogosphere for a few days. I can't really say why, other than to say that perhaps I was afflicted with some sort of blogging malaise, or blogging indifference, or blogging boredom, or blogging fatigue. You get the idea.

On Saturday, I checked out the opening of Toronto Squared, a photography exhibit by Rannie Turingan (aka Photojunkie). It runs until June 6th at Le Petit Dejeuner, 191 King Street East, Toronto. Of course, I did not know anyone there, but then I found out afterwards that two of my Flickr contacts were there - I just did not recognize them. Also, the Accordion Guy was there, but I don't know him either. And, I got an email today from someone else who was there. We sort of cyber-know each other but we had never met in person.

I spoke with Rannie for about 5 seconds. We had never met before. I am considering passing along the URL for my photoblog. If that happens, my anonymity is completely blown.

So, I guess I will start posting again. Coming up: Trapped in the Women's Washroom: A True Story.

Technorati Tags: blogging, photography, photojunkie, Rannie Turingan

Weird Dream

So, I had this dream last night in which both my mother and father had been committed to the same psychiatric hospital. It was scarier than One flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It just seemed darker and grittier, like they were in some sort of Victorian poorhouse. My dad even wore a ratty old bath robe with yellow stripes.

I was not so surprised that my mother had ended up there, but my father in that situation makes no sense. He is far too grounded and aware to ever lose it in that way. Besides, I am not sure he could handle the embarrassment of being committed. In the dream, he kept prodding me and pinching me and I felt that at any moment, he would strike me, perhaps lethally. Again, I find this very odd because he is essentially a pacifist. When I was a child, the strap that hung in the closet was only ever used by my mother. She wielded that half inch thick leather strap with great craft.

Two days ago, I found out that my mother requires dialysis three times per week, but I am not sure that this information led to that dream.

Later, I had a dream about a visit to a strange farm that featured disconsolate chickens, an angry goat, and a dyspeptic pig. Now that was entertaining.

Technorati Tags: dreams, mother, father, psychiatric hospitals, farms, chickens, goats, pigs

Answers, Part 4

Doris Night asks: "how much is that doggie in the window?"

That depends.

1) If you go to a Humane Society, you can get one free, or almost free. I think that there is some sort of administration fee. Let me check...yes, the Toronto Humane Society charges $25 for a cat, $50 for a dog, $20 for a bunny - I am not sure if that comes with a recipe - and $4 to $65 for mice, birds, gerbils, guinea pigs, and ferrets (in other words, food for your pet snake). So, come to Toronto with $50 and you can walk away with a vicious killer of your choice. OK, just kidding: I am sure that there are some very pleasant dogs at the Humane Society. They may be anti-social, but I am sure they just need love. I guess the Humane Society of New York would be closer, right?

2) Do you really want a dog that has been on display behind some glass? I have heard that these kinds of dogs may not be so healthy, and that some come from puppy mills. I say, forget about the pet shop dog.

3) I did a Google search for you and found out that you can get a puppy for as little as $50 - as you already know - and as much as $1500. How much money do you have to spend?

Arf! Arf!

Technorati Tags: dogs, pets, Humane Society

Toes

So, I was cycling in, minding my own business, when I saw this Asian lady crossing the street. I know that many Asian people are very fashion forward. Why, just the other day, I saw an Asian (perhaps Korean?) girl wearing a yellow coat with orange rubber boots and a pink handbag. It was very colourful. However, when I saw this lady crossing Harbord Street, I thought, my God, that has to be the most grievous fashion error since parachute pants.

She was wearing, and I have no idea what to call them, boots that were like sandals. I guess you could call them sandal boots or boot sandals. But, let me explain. First, they were a most horrid shade of beige. Very little good comes out of beige (as proof, I remind myself that every room in my ex-in-laws' house was painted beige - but that was years ago, and maybe things have changed). Each boot also had two brown stripes that only added to the travesty. Are you getting this? OK, so they were low boots, kinda like the ones my grandmother would wear, but they had open toes! This can't be a good look for anyone, and I have to say that I was slightly nauseated. Mind you, I refused to expose my toes in public until I was in my mid-twenties.

I did go to the beach and swam in pools, but you would never catch me wearing sandals in public. Even now, I am very careful about that. And, I can never see a movie while wearing sandals because the damn air conditioning is way too intense in summer.

In other news, I am back from my long weekend. Actually, I was back yesterday, but I had no energy to post anything. That's all I have today. I need more sleep.

Technorati Tags: boots, sandals, toes, fashion

Answers, Part 3

Kyahgirl has a few questions. I will tackle two in this post:

Have you met any blogger buddies in real life?

Why, yes I have. I know a handful of bloggers in real life, but only two that are listed in my blogroll. I have known Running42k, proprietor of Musings of Middle Age, for many years. We were roommates in our first year of University and we were next door neighbours the year after in the same residence. Here is a picture of him from back-in-the-day.

As it happens, in the second year, I was the only person on our floor - aside from the House Advisor - not to get an "Incident Report." I believe Running42K's came when he threw some heavy object out of his window and nearly hit the Hall Advisor. Talk about bad aim. If I am not mistaken, that was the same night that I put R42k's phone in his freezer, but I am not really sure why. It just seemed to fit. I could go on and on about residence life, but that is probably enough for now. By the way, there was an incident or two that probably deserved an Incident Report, but I was smart enough to keep out of harm's way.

The other person I know is Katherine, from Wabisabi, which is in many ways a blog about knitting, but also more. She and I went through the Master of Library Science program at a large North American University. I have certain opinions about that program. She is also my ex-girlfriend (I hope she doesn't mind me saying that so publicly). She was the first urban cyclist I met, and I soon decided that cycling in Toronto was a good idea.

Have you been out West?

Yes. I went to Edmonton in February several years ago. I was flown out for a job interview. I was not entirely taken with Edmonton, but it was February and something like minus 55 degrees. The sky was very blue, however. I spent some time on Whyte Avenue, and that was cool.

I went to Vancouver about 6 years ago, where I presented a paper at a conference with a co-worker. I loved Vancouver, even though I mistakenly walked right through Junkieville. That was interesting.

If I keep answering questions, I'll never have to think of an original idea again for this blog.

Technorati Tags: bloggers, friends, residence, Edmonton, Vancouver

Answers, Part 2

Next, Super Happy Jen of Super Happy Jen's Super Happy Blog, asks a complicated question. I should really ask her why she is so happy. I mean, what's that all about? She lives in some sort of super happy world. Everything about her is happy. It's all happy, happy, happy. If you want a happy little blogging diversion, visit Super Happy Jen for a little happiness. She says, "Most people think I am the most hilarious girl in the world - even when I'm trying to be serious!" I can't believe that she is both hilarious and happy.

So, here is her question:

So you know those Klingon warriors from Star Trek? Not the Original Series.

Yes (so far, so good).

I'm talking full bumpy forehead, crooked yellow teeth, armor, bat'leth, lots of cleavage.

I am secretly wondering why she knows how to spell bat'leth.

Anyway (we are getting close to the question), say you were hanging out in the 24th century and one of them asked you out on a date. What would your response be and why?

I think my answer would be, what the fuck am I doing in the 24th century? And, perhaps more importantly, why am I in a fictional 24th century? This would presuppose that I have either gone completely insane or that time travel is real and that one could move into fictional universes. So, I can't see any way that I would ever be in such a situation, without the influence of something like hallucinogenic drugs or complete mental collapse. OK, I know that this is a scenario question, so I will play along.

If a male Klingon asked me on a date, I would say no: I'm not gay, not even for Klingons (not that there's anything wrong with that). Now, supposing a female Klingon asked me on a date, I would say no as well. I'd be worried that she would accidentally kill me. Now if a green woman asked me out...

Does that answer your question?

Technorati Tags: answers, Star Trek, Super Happy Jen

Answers, Part 1

Liz, from Library Tavern asks: "If you were a nut, what kind would you be?"

Well, that's a tough one. If you had asked me what my favourite nut is, I would probably have said the almond. You know, if you split in half just right with your teeth, you will notice that they are delightfully smooth on the tongue. I am also a fan of almond butter, despite the hefty price. What kind of nut would I be is a far more difficult question.

I like cashews, but they are not nuts: they are seeds, although some people persist in arguing that they are nuts. Anyway, I don't think I would like that kidney shape. I can rule out the coconut - not a true nut either - and the peanut, for it is far too common (not to mention that it is not a true nut either). Walnuts are over-rated and bitter and the Brazil nut is far too much work to get into.

I considered the filbert and the hazelnut (close nut relatives). In the end, I would have to choose the pistachio.

Why? Well, just read this sentence from the Wikipedia entry: "When the fruit ripens, the shells split open partially. This happens with an audible pop, and legend has it that lovers who stand under a pistachio tree at night and hear the nuts popping open will have good luck."

That is cool.

By the way, if you want to ask me a question, do it here.

Technorati Tags: answers, nuts, pistachios

An Open Letter to Jacob Richler

Dear Mr. Richler,

I deleted the first letter I wrote to you because it was filled with profanity. The letter was excessive and most probably cathartic at the same time. I am sure I can get through this letter with far fewer expletives.

I read with great interest your attack on cyclists in yesterday's National Post (p. A10). If I understand you correctly, you are pissed off because you got a parking ticket and now you think that the law should come down on all cycling "freeloaders" because we use roads "built on the hard-working backs of motorists, and who get around without contributing gas taxes, or helping the local automobile industry or anything useful at all." Mr. Richler, many cyclists own cars as well as bikes, and we pay our fair share of taxes.

I pay a huge amount of taxes: I pay property taxes, sales taxes, and income taxes. I support the local bicycle industry and my local bicycle repair shops too. I do this while not polluting the air with exhaust fumes, or by supporting the environmentally-damaging petroleum industry, and the wars waged on its behalf. Your statement that cyclists don't contribute "anything useful at all" is both ridiculous and ignorant.

Your run-in with that cyclist on Yonge Street is regrettable, but would it be fair to characterize all automobile drivers by the behaviour of a few? There are some cyclists who ignore the rules of the road, and who ride dangerously. I have no problem with fines for dangerous cycling. The tone of your opinion piece is negative to all cyclists. You refer to bicycles as "monsters on two wheels." Clearly, you have no respect for any cyclist and, despite what you claim, it is obvious that you hate them.

The next time you get a parking ticket, just remember that the parking laws are there for a good reason: that is, so you can have a place to park. If everyone was permitted to park wherever they wanted, there would be SUVs on the sidewalks in front of Starbucks all across the city.

I suggest that you park your car for a few weeks and try to navigate the streets of Toronto by bicycle. (I would have suggested that you try the TTC, but I remembered that you hate the TTC. And, I also recall that you hate the Green Bin program as well. What is it with you and progess?). Anyway, get on a bike and you will quickly learn that the streets of Toronto are very dangerous to cyclists. I'd like to read a column about how well you did on a two wheeled monster when surrounded by a sea of 2000 pound automobiles.

Technorati Tags: Jacob Richler, cycling, bicycles, taxes, cars, parking tickets, National Post, Toronto, petroleum

Ask Me

OK, here is your chance. I am finishing up a long report and have no time to post today. (By the way, that was an April Fool's joke: I am not sure I have the discipline to become a monk of any variety). So, I invite you to ask me questions. I know, other bloggers have done this, so I don't claim that it is original in any way.

Go ahead. If you are dying to know how tall I am, how much I weigh, what colour my eyes are, the last book I read, the last movie I saw, my favourite food, etc. Ask, and I might answer.

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Good Bye

Well, that's it for me. I am packing it in and packing my bags. After much internal turmoil, I've decided to become a Zen Buddhist Monk. It's been real.

Technorati Tags: Zen Buddhism, monks, blogging

399

This is post #399.

Update (3 hours later): OK, so that was a lame post. I changed the comments section, 'cause I have received somewhere in the range of like, 1000 spam comments recently. I was doing domain registration look ups and emailing customer support addressed on various web pages, all to no avail. The bastards kept it coming. So, I opted to edit this template to accept the original Blogger comments with word verification.

Technorati Tags: blogging, spam

On Enthusiasm, Muscles, and Shirts

My interest in blogging comes and goes. That is, it fades and then reappears. I think I am in a relatively unenthusiastic mode at present. It's hard to say why. It could be the change of seasons, the alignment of the planets, or the amount of work I have. I have a lot of competing interests, and it is sometimes difficult to make time to post entries and to visit other blogs.

I recently started a photoblog, and that has diverted some of my attention away from this blog. I have other online projects, which all require some time.

Today, I wore a nice shirt. It's a favourite, but it is barely long enough to cover my midriff. If I have to reach up, I will expose parts of my stomach, which is ok, because I have a well-formed abdomen. This reminds me of my high school days. I used to do 500 sit ups and 500 pushups per day (Currently, I only find the time to cycle to work and back, which is roughly 11 KMs round trip). In high school, I would ask people to punch me in the stomach as hard as they could. I borrowed that from another guy - Craig - who gained some sort of popularity from the act. If your stomach muscles are strong enough, all manner of fists will just bounce off.

So, this shirt is a little short, but not too short. It's just a tad shorter than I would like. I'll spend the rest of the day doing the Picard maneuver.

Technorati Tags: blogging, exercise, muscles, shirts, feats of strength, photography

Blogger is Down (again)?

Well, I am posting blind today. I can't see my blog. I tired a few others and they are down too. Others seem to be working. This is actually good since I have nothing to say. So, that is all I am saying right now. Happy Monday.

Technorati Tags: Blogger

Soup Nazi is Here

As I previously mentioned on this blog, the Soup Nazi is here. I took this rather bad picture of the kiosk in the Eaton Centre. They were distributing free samples, but I did not take one, since I would have had to ask tons of questions about the ingredients.

The Spam keeps coming. I have had about 250 spam comments on this blog recently. Unfortunately, this template does not support Blogger's keyword verification, so I really might have to change templates to those boring Blogger ones. In other spam news, I got this bizarre email:

From: jennifer aniston
To: zydecofish@gmail.com
Date: Mar 21, 2006 8:57 PM
Subject: hi honey

Just wanted to make sure you got those anal beads I sent you, those fuckin' couriers can be so nosey.

Love,

J.

Note: My real name is not even Vinnie. I guess this is some sort of Vince Vaughn joke.

Technorati Tags: Soup Nazi, Soup Man, Blogger, spam

Taste the whip, in love not given lightly
Taste the whip, now plead for me

Favourite Albums, #4 (previous entries: The Clash - London Calling, John Cale - Music for a New Society, Beck - Mutations)

Apparently, Brian Eno once said something like: "only about 1,000 people ever bought a Velvet Underground album, but every one of them formed a rock and roll band." This may have been an overstatement, but it speaks to the enormous influence that the VU have had and continue to have on music.

The Velvet Underground & Nico, the first release from John Cale, Lou Reed, Sterling Morrison, Maureen "Moe" Tucker, and Nico, is a fine album. The AllMusic Guide says: "Few rock albums are as important as The Velvet Underground and Nico, and fewer still have lost so little of their power to surprise and intrigue more than 30 years after first hitting the racks."

Cale's droning viola and unusual keyboards, combined with Lou Reed's inventive and provocative lyrics, make the music stand out from most other music. There has really been nothing else quite like it.

Technorati Tags: music, Velvet Underground, Nico, John Cale, Lou Reed

Meetings, Bloody Meetings

Somehow, by some odd turn of events, I have to endure hours of meetings today. Weeks go by with few such events, aside from the weekly - and partially dysfunctional - Council meeting, and then I get stuck with a day just chalk full of group dynamics and opportunities to learn and share with colleagues. I should be grateful, but I know that I will end up with a sore ass. I have thought of taking along my office chair, but that seems like too much work.

Besides, the longer I am away, the less time I have to read email, and I learn so much from email. For example, today I have already learned a great deal about Filipina women:

Sexy Filipina Girls
Why choose a Filipina? Women from the Philippines are noted for their beauty, grace, charm and loyalty. With their sweet nature and shy smiles, Filipina's posses an inner beauty that most men find irresistible. Filipinas are by their nature family-orientated, resourceful and devoted. What's more, English is one of the official languages of the Philippines, so communication is straight forward, and as the majority of Filipinas are Christian, cultural compatibility is easier than some other Asian countries. With the help of our website you can find a filipina in your area

Now you know too.

I have been a bad Blogger, and have failed to visit many of my fav blogs recently. I apologize for that.

Technorati Tags: meetings, my ass, Filipina Girls

Because I Can't Think of Anything Else to Write About Today

- I have 28 cameras.

- I hate Fabricland. I hate everything about it, from just being in the store, to the acres of unappealing fabric. I feel nauseous and weak, especially in that one at Yonge & Bloor in the basement with the low ceilings and bright fluorescent lighting.

- I make tons of typos. In fact, let me just type a coupld of sentences to demionstrate how many typiose I make. It;s beacause I never learned how to tyupe properly in schoo.. I guiess IO figured that I;d never need to know how to type, so I didnlt take the couirse. Thanks heavens for spellc heckers. I think I typs with six fingers and I use the thumbs f rthe space bar, like verybody else. even fater I run evertthing through the spell checker first, I find errors. It's ok to let me know if you see one.

- Here is a picture of my bike.



Technorati Tags: Fabricland, typos, cameras, bicylces

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I planned to post a picture of my lunch every day this week, and always forgot. I forgot again today, so the best I can do is the empty container. You'll have to guess what was in it.

Yes, I am part Irish. My great great grandmother on my mother's side was born in Ireland. She married an Englishman and then they moved to Canada. In last year's St Patrick's Day post, I discussed imperialism and invasion and being oppressed. I really liked that post, but it seems few other people did.

The problem with St. Patrick's Day is green. I do have some green in my wardrobe, but I always make sure that I avoid it on St. Patrick's Day, except for that day in grade 5 when I forgot it was St. Patrick's Day and I wore a green shirt. I'll never forget it. There'll be no green from me on St. Patrick's Day.

What the hell is going on with Blogger? I don't know about you, but it's being very uncooperative. Hey, Jeff's blog is back now. Wait, it was for about 5 seconds. Some Blogger error killed his blog for hours and hours. That's all I have to say today. It's Friday and I am tired.

Technorati Tags: St. Patrick's Day, lunch, Blogger

Dropping the Dialect

A colleague recently told me that she knew I was not from Toronto by the way I spoke. I am not sure if it is the accent or the word choice. Whatever the case, I am aware that people from my part of Ontario speak strangely. I only have to visit my rural relatives to be reminded of that.

It is not uncommon to have a conversation with my dad and hear him say:

"I done steaks on the bar-b-que last night."
"I ete an hour ago and I'm still hungry."
"We haven't ate yet."
"She don't like it."
"We have boughten bread."
"That's as useless as tits on a bull."
"I'll have a double-double"
"Let's go to Kentucky Duck" (That's KFC, or Kentucky Fried Chicken)

Listen to a few sounds files from Ontario here: International Dialects of English Archive - Ontario. They allow people to submit recordings, so maybe I will.

Also, people in my hometown are fond of the expression "fuck the dog" or "fucking the dog," which means slacking off or doing nothing. I am from Buttfuck nowhere, so I am allowed to say that.

Technorati Tags: dialects, rural Ontario, slang

The Price of Cabbage

In 1945, you could buy 2 pounds of cabbage or 2 pounds of carrots for 11 cents, a dozen oranges for 32 cents, and a head of lettuce for 15 cents. Light bulbs were 15 cents each and you could get a tin of Flusho for 21 cents or Sinko for only 25 cents. Now, these are prices I could live with, even though I am only guessing at what Flusho and Sinko were used for.

A colleague recently found stacks of newspapers in his kitchen walls during his renovation. He found two pages from a paper published in my hometown in May 1945. Aside from the shopping deals and endless lists of auction sales, there were two other interesting bits.

The reverend that baptized me - not that it did any good, for I never attended a church service in that church (or any church, until I was an adult, and then only under serious pressure from another person) - was mentioned. He is the man who performed the marriage ceremony at my parents' wedding. I even have photographs of this man.

And then, there is mention of a meeting of the Presbyterian Young People's Society. A certain individual, whom I cannot name, is said to have been presiding. He was the Vice President. Let me just say that this man, a family friend - now thankfully dead, was never brought to justice for years of child molestation. I have good evidence that he and my brother (then about age 13 or 14) were fond of the Princeton Rub, and probably a few other rubs as well. I knew other people who fell victim to this freak too. It's a shame he was never thrown in jail.

Technorati Tags: cabbage, pedophilia, church

Self Portrait #6
(self portrait #5)

One day - I am not sure when - I will post a real photo with no distortion. I promise.

Technorati tags: self portraits, photography

The Paranoid Side Step

Although it really requires an in-person demonstration (no, I will not be demonstrating it), I will attempt to describe the complex manoeuvres of the Paranoid Side Step. Imagine a teenage boy, part way through high school, attending a high school dance in the mid-1980s. No, this is not me. He might be wearing white high top running shoes with laces untied, jeans, and a t-shirt. His hair is long enough to cover the ears, but not so long as to be too hippie-ish. He spends most of the dance hanging out in the shadowy fringes talking to his male friends. When a slow dance comes on, he circles the high school gymnasium looking, but not too obviously, for someone to ask for a slow dance. The song might be Babe or Stairway to Heaven. He may or may not have success. Eye contact might be accomplished and then lost quickly. In 10% of the cases, he may end up in a tight embrace with a girl he knows or does not know. He is unsure if she is taking pity on him.

The bravest of the boys take a turn at fast dancing (the opposite of the slow dance). Well, they are either brave or gay or latently gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). The more macho guys quit the dance floor when the back-to-back slow numbers end. But, in later years, these macho guys realize that if they want to get chicks, they have to dance the way of the ladies. And so, with reluctance, they take to the dance floor and adopt a rather interesting dance style that I call the Paranoid Side Step.

Dance styles come and go, and it is possible that in the high schools of today, the Paranoid Side Step is a thing of the past. But, in my high school days, it was the dance adopted by most guys (except for the gay and the almost gay: they were far too fabulous on their feet).

Perhaps you should try this on your own. Stand with your feet parallel, about ten inches apart. Hold your arms close to your side so as to keep any motion of the upper limbs to a minimum. Wildly flailing arms and any sort of jauntiness could be trouble for the adolescent boy. Now, slowly bring one foot and place it beside the other and then put it back where it was. Do the same with foot number two. Repeat.

As you do this, keep your arms to your side and your head on a slight downward incline. Without turning your head, have a good look around you, just to make sure that no one is actually watching you. To do this, you need to dart your eyes right and then left without moving your head. You don’t want to let on that you care that people are watching you: you just want to give the appearance of nonchalance and that you are only doing this for points with the ladies. Of course, it would be better if you could avoid looking around with those darting eyes that make you look quite paranoid. But, for some reason, you cannot stop looking.

This, ladies and gentleman, is the paranoid side step.

Technorati Tags: dancing, adolescence, paranoid side step, 1980s

Keyword Mayhem, Part 4

I love reviewing the keywords that people use to find this site. Here are a few recent ones:

1) hairy breasts
2) zydeco font
3) girls in diapers
4) can 2 tamagotchis with same sex marry
5) FARTING POST
6) Banana eating contest
7) true poop stories
8) upturned handlebars drunk
9) percentage of people who pee in the shower
10) date your cousin
11) an explosion between the legs
12) her soles
13) SURFING MICE
14) snoopisms
15) lyrics to franklin the turtle theme song
16) canadian tire "start with you"
17) canadian tire RADIO JINGLE DOWNLOAD "I'LL START WITH YOU"
18) Canadian Tire tv commercial jingle mp3
19) elliott moose song
20) tv show elliot moose theme song lyrics

Weird.

Technorati Tags: keywords, web searching

I am Stressed, Man, Very Very Stressed

For those of you that missed this, and I assume that is everyone, a new study says that librarians suffer more stress than firefighters, police officers, train operators, and teachers. Say what?

How could my job be more stressful than firefighters who may, at any time, be asked to pull people from burning buildings? How could being a librarian be more stressful than a police officer, who may be fired upon by all sorts of nasty criminals? This makes no sense to me. There is very little stress in my job. In fact, I rather enjoy my job. There is essentially no supervision and I have complete academic freedom. What's stressful about that?

Alright, I have to go upstairs now and try to teach some research skills to a few undergrads. It promises to be very very stressful.

Technorati Tags: librarians, stress

I Have to Ask Myself

Were my parents on drugs? Why else would they choose a tree that looks like this monstrosity? I remember the day we got this tree very well. I scratched my head then, and I scratch it now. It makes no sense. I know it wasn't the last tree on the lot. Why they didn't prune the bastard, I have no idea.

I'd like to know if there is some sort of rate-my-Christmas tree website, 'cause this would surely win in the ugly category.

I have decided that I either have to stop looking at old photos, or come to terms with the fact that my family is full of weirdos.

By the way, the cage at the upper left was home to the two dead budgies.

I'll pass on the opportunity to comment on the interior decorating.

Technorati Tags: Christmas, Christmas trees, family

I am not an Artist, but I Pretend to be one in the Blogosphere

Yeah, I painted that.

(By the way, I did post another painting last year)

In other news, I am thinking about changing my template again. I am kinda tired of this one and far too many other people are using it. I may go for all black. Too bad I am too lazy to make my own.

I did another one of those tests, and now I know I am going to die at age 84. Fortunately, that's a very long way away. My grandmother is 86 and still very much alive, so I am holding out hope that I will live past 84. I have a lot to do, like gain advanced degrees in astrophysics and neurology, write a novel, and go into space.



Technorati Tags: paintings, art, templates, death

I'm a Nerd, sort of, and a Dream



I suppose it could have been worse.

In other news, I had a dream about Doris, the blogger behind Diary of a Pissed-Off Asian Woman. I have never met her. In fact, there are only two bloggers on my Blogroll that I know in "real life." In my dream, she showed up at my place of work and gave a speech. The funny thing is that she was neither Asian nor pissed-off. In fact, I would have described her as a Happy Irish Woman.

So, I dashed off to the Dream Moods, an interesting dream interpretation site I learned about from Super Happy Jen. I discovered this:

To hear a speech in your dream, suggests that your inner feelings are being made conscious to those around you. Consider what is said in the speech. If you hear a politician give a speech, then it represents egotism and deceit.

Hmm, I am not so sure. I can't remember what was said in the speech. I tried other dream concepts with no luck, except for:

To see a group of women talking in your dream, refers to some gossip.

There was only one woman talking in my dream, but I have to say that this seems sexist to me. And, finally:

To see a chalkboard, represents the classroom and the difficulties you may have experienced in school. There is a lesson to be learned from this dream. You may feel that you are being put to the test. Consider what is being written on the chalkboard. Alternatively, it signifies your debts.

There was nothing written on the chalkboard. The good news is that I can now interpret that dream in which I was smoking a cigar.

To see or dream that you are smoking a cigar, represents luxury and a relaxed state of mind. You are in control of your own emotions and passions. According to Freud, a cigar is a phallic symbol and is representative of masculinity and raw energy. This dream symbol may also serve as a symbol for someone you know who smokes cigars.

Technorati Tags: nerds, dreams

Winter Olympics & Gender, etc.

Did you know that there are two winter Olympics events that women cannot compete in? They are ski jumping and Nordic combined (ski jumping and x-country skiing). What's up with that? This seems very unfair to me. And, here's another thing that's unfair. I think that there ought to be same sex couples in pairs and ice dancing. That would be fascinating.

There are signs that I have been spending too much time watching the Winter Olympics:

1) I think Jeffrey Buttle's parents made a big mistake when they named him: I kept hearing Jeff Rebuttal

2) I think that part of the scoring for figure skating should be based on the costume. If this were instituted, Stephane Lambiel would never have won the silver medal. He would have placed last for his costume offenses

3) Points should be awarded for truly spectacular falls in figure skating. If you slide head first in to the boards, break a limb, or draw blood, you should get some benefit in the technical components

4) Some summer events should be modified for the winter games. For example, I'd like to see the 100 metre dash run on ice, winter triathlon, and maybe soccer in the snow.

Technorati Tags: winter olympics, olympics

And the Answer is...

Running42K just sent me an email and guilted me into getting back to my blog, which I have been ignoring. I have no good excuses, really.

OK, I confess: I really don't know when that picture of me was taken, beyond it being December of some year when I was a child. So, everyone who guessed December sometime in the 1970s, you win! Good going. Too bad for you that the prize was only useless points. But, if I ever win the lottery, I'll convert that to dollars (Canadian ones).

In other news, I am distressed to say that I have to cycle past Fonzie's cheesy grin every day on my way to work. It is in a TTC bus shelter on Wellesley Street. You may remember that I met the Fonz once, when I thought the concept of The Fonz was cool.

In later years, I have come to realize that the idea of The Fonz in idiotic. How did Happy Days get away with it for so long? I don't like Fonzie. Fonzie sucks.

Technorati Tags: Happy Days, The Fonz

This is Me

At last, I am posting an undistorted picture of me. All of the others have been seriously manipulated or generally out-of-focus. Those days are gone. I am ushering in a new period of openness and sharing.

The only thing missing is my real name. Oh, and when this was taken. But, I will entertain guesses. Let's see, I'll award 100 points to the person who gets the year right, 30 points for the correct decade, and a measly 10 points if you can guess the month.

Don't I look happy? Oh, I am the one receiving the gift, not the fat guy with the beard.

Technorati Tags: Christmas, photography, Zydeco Fish

I'm a Twit!

So says Miriam-the-Librarian in this post. She objected to my post about the recent Canadian election. I always knew I was a twit, but I am happy to have the confirmation.

Technorati Tags: twits

A Late Apology (and a Thank You) to my High School Librarian

Dear Specky (aka Radar Bob, Sonar Bob),

I am sorry that I made fun of you behind your back in high school. Yes, we called you Specky, because of your geek glasses, and Radar Bob, after the library installed security gates. The truth is, I now realize that you were so cool. You wore those heavy plastic geeky glasses long before anyone had ever heard the names Drew Carey or Cory Doctorow. And your short pants, hovering above the ankles, allowed everyone to see your stylish brown leather shoes. They were so worn in, they must have been very comfortable. I also liked your plastic pocket protector. Ink would have ruined those expensive white shirts with those long tails puffing out of the back of your pants.

Was that really Brylcreem in your hair? I thought the wet head was dead, but you said otherwise. Ah, defiance rules.

Thanks for teaching my how to search for articles in magazines and journals. I am still amazed when I encounter 4th years students who do not understand the difference between a peer-reviewed journal and a web page. Hell, they can't even distinguish a book from an article. You may have looked funny but I think you knew what you were doing.

I always wonder why you decided to become a librarian. In High School, I thought that Librarianship was one of those professions of last resort, like the lunch lady and the custodian. I have changed my mind. I need some new clothes. I think I'll head off to the Salvation Army Thrift Store for some pants that are too short, a pair of well worn shoes, and then to the closest drug store for some wet hair product.

Technorati Tags: librarians, high school

Self Portrait #5
(Self Portrait #4)

I survived the Conference. It was good and bad. You know, I really hate it when the abstract in the programme is completely at odds with the content that is presented. These people should be banned from ever presenting again. It's false advertising and a huge waste of my time.

I am sitting down today to write a book proposal. It's only a proposal, so this might not happen. I am giving myself until the end of August next year to have it done, providing that the idea is accepted. I work better under deadlines.

First, though, I have to clear off my desk. If my office is messy, I can accomplish nothing. That means I have to move: a napkin (clean) from the last time I got some Thai food, some paper clips, a receipt or two, Michael Stephens' Who Are the Blog People? survey card (by the way, I am in this picture, but good luck trying to find me - no, I am not the dorky looking guy in the suit), about 1000 Midwest books slips, chopsticks (still wrapped in paper), a pen knife (mostly for opening oranges), old newspapers, an issue of Choice, two draft articles I am working on, publishers' catalogues, a piece of paper with RD533.5 .M35 2002 written on it, a plastic spoon, a cell phone battery, a Palm Pilot, MasterCard bill, about two pounds of paper, a print out from Scotland's People that tells me that my grandfather was illegitimate, coupons for HMV, and a bunch of other junk.

Technorati tags: self portraits, photography, conferences, book

Conference

I will be attending the Ontario Library Association's Annual Super Conference in Toronto for the next three days. I have no idea why they call it a Super Conference. It's not like they host a Terrible Conference during a different part of the year. The conference is good, but I am not so sure that I have ever had a super time listening to sessions on metadata or strategic planning. No, I will not be presenting this year.

I think there's something weird about going to a conference where you live. My preferred conference experience is sleeping in hotels, going out to dinner, seeing new places, and skipping sessions to go shopping in new stores. The Metro Toronto Convention Centre is located in a touristy area, and so it is all over-priced restaurants and stupid stores. Of course, it is a step up from my experience in Houston, where I felt like I was in some sort of prison. We were miles away from anything and, without a car, we had no where to go. It was hell on earth. Boston, on the other hand, rocked. Now that is a cool city.

This is what I wrote about the conference last year.

Technorati Tags: conferences, Ontario Library Association

The End of an Era

There was a time, I famously told many people, when I could go an entire semester without doing laundry. That time was when I was a grad student at the University of Toronto shortly after I moved from Laundromat heaven to Laundromat hell. Suddenly, there was no Laundromat within a reasonable distance. And, the slumlord reneged on his promise to install machines in the basement.

I hit a laundry crisis. I lived too far from a Laundromat for it to be even remotely useful. So, I came up with a radical plan. Instead of doing laundry, I bought new clothes. The dirty laundry piled up in the closet while I took detours home along Spadina Avenue to Chocky's (which, sadly, no longer exists, at least not in it's original form). Mostly, I bought socks and underwear and, my were they fine underwear.

Most of them lasted this long. And so, I say goodbye to my last pair of special underwear. They'll hit the trash can this week. The material is still in good shape, but the waistband is shot. I considered replacing the elastic, but that seems like an extreme measure.

I wish I could tell you more about them (I will avoid posting a picture of them), but all I know is that they were made in India with some really nice cotton. My plan, then, is to sell them on eBay. After all, they are the age of some really fine wine, and I'm sure they'll go for big bucks.

Technorati Tags: underwear, socks, laundry

Adult Diapers Sales in China are up, way up

In that meme a couple of posts back, I listed diapers under the category "five things you would never wear again. " Good thing I don't live in China. It turns out that, next to food and firecrackers, the most popular commodity being purchased during the holiday season is adult diapers!

Apparently, many people have to travel such long distances in overcrowded trains, where even the bathrooms are jammed with people, that they feel they need an alternative to a bathroom. Added to that is the fact that people are forced to wait in queues for hours to purchase tickets. So, some people have decided to buy adult diapers rather than loose their place in line or struggle through a crowded train to do #2 in front of strangers. Given the choice of soiling myself or doing my business in front of crowd, I'd choose the latter.

Who knows, this could lead to the spreading of infantilism throughout China.

I'd still like to visit China, but only if I never have to take the train.

Technorati Tags: China, adult diapers

The Word is Spreading

A mystery colleague, who has obviously heard me preach about the evils of dairy products, put a Bizarro comic in my mailbox today. I'd post it here, but, as a good librarian, I know I would be breaking copyright laws. I'll just post the text, even though that probably also breaks copyright laws.

The strip is subtitled: "BUZZKILL the LUNCHLADY"

"And remember, kids - not only is milk a fattening health hazard, but when you're drinking milk, it means a sad & lonely calf somewhere isn't!"

So true. The breast milk of hairy 2000 pound cows is for baby cows, not people. In other words, when you drink milk, you are drinking the breast milk of a cow. Got it?

Technorati Tags: milk, bovine slime

Meme

Finally, I am getting to this meme. I was tagged by Shelly, and, being the lazy blogger that I am, it took me something like a month to do it. Here goes:

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1. eddy
2. sara
3. kirk
4. shelly
5. zydeco fish

Then you get to select five people to pass the love on to so they can do this meme, like so:

I think everyone I know has already done this. But, here goes. If you have already done it, that just means I wasn't paying attention and I missed your post.

1. Supper Happy Jen
2. Luanne
3. Liz
4. Sugar (drizzlenightsky)
5. KTS


What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was teaching an internet course (it's a good thing I kept my old daytimers). Other than that, I was working in a hospital and feeling very poor. Sounds boring, huh?

What were you doing 1 year ago?

I was sitting in my office doing Virtual Reference. Boring again, right?

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Chocolate
2. Chips
3. Fruit
4. Sorbet (dairy-free)
5. Chocolate

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

1. Happy Birthday to You
2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
3. This is the Song that Never Ends
4. Big Iron
5. The Alphabet of Nations


Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Retire
2. Buy a condo/apartment near Central Park in NYC
3. Buy a car (or two)
4. Buy a new stereo/TV etc.
5. Give everyone who has ever commented here $20

Five bad habits (sorry, only 3):
1. I'm lazy
2. I procrastinate
3. I never clean up my office at work
4.
5.

Five things you like doing:
1. Eating chocolate
2. Listening to music
3. Writing
4. Cycling
5. Sleeping

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Diapers
2. Velour
3. Speedos
4. Leather ties
5. Anything with paisley

Five favorite toys:
1. Laptop
2. Digital camera
3. DVD player
4. Palm pilot
5. Photoshop

Technorati Tags: memes

It Could have Been Worse

It could have been a majority government, and that would have forced me to move to a liberal country somewhere in the world, but I am not sure if there are any left. Cuba looks good right now.

I am amazed that Canadians have such ridiculously short memories. The Conservative Party (once known as the Progressive Conservative Party, and are now better described as the Regressive Conservative Party) brought in the GST. And now we elect them on a promise to reduce the tax? They should not be elected for undoing part of a stupid tax that they created.

The Conservative party is homophobic and wants to trample on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. The Conservative party supports big business and wants private health care. The Conservative Party likes George Bush and his missile defense plan. Let us not forget that Harper wanted Canada to send our troops to Iraq. The Conservative Party likes pollution and, given any chance, will kill Kyoto.

I am not happy about this, but I hope that Canadians will see the error in our ways by the time the next election rolls around.

Technorati Tags: election, Stephen Harper

My Shirt

Today was one of those days where I ran out of time in the morning, and so I grabbed a shirt of almost last resort. It's not such a bad shirt; it is black with long sleeves. It does have a fine cut. It's warm, solid, and feels nice. I gave it the sniff test and pulled it over my head.

The problem is that is has some sort of padding on the front. It's not a serious padding, but it is noticeable. In fact, a colleague said to me today: "Is that padding on your shirt?" I couldn't say that it wasn't padding. If anyone touched it, they would know. It's like there is extra material bunched up in there.

Of course, I was reminded of my step mother, a woman with some sort of serious quilting fetish. She will quilt on top on anything. Hand her a perfectly fine jean jacket and she will layout a patchwork quilt that would be the envy of all of the Mennonites in Waterloo County. That's what my shirt is like. It feels almost quilted. I may have to take this garment out of rotation.

Technorati Tags: shirts, quilting

I'm Back

I disappeared from the Blogosphere for so long because:

a) The police finally caught up with me and put me in jail
b) I went to Sweden for a sex change operation
c) I was a contestant on Survivor
d) A talent agent "discovered" me and flew me out to Hollywood where I starred in my first feature (you can reserve your copy at your favourite adult video store soon)
e) Aliens abducted me
f) I forgot my password
g) I needed a hair cut
h) I was meditating and lost track of the time
i) I was in the studio, recording an album of Neil Diamond songs
j) I joined a cult and narrowly avoided a mass suicide

Best of Zydeco Fish, 2005

I seem to have the flu or something like it, so I did this quickly. You may disagree with my choices.

(read best of 2004; 2003)

1) Easter Bunnies - notes on Easter and some recipes
2) Happy St. Patrick's Day - imperialism and song
3) "Gorgeous hair is the best revenge" - all about hair - I am not sure why I like this one
4) Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man - the early life of my estranged brother
5) Portrait of my Other Brother as a Young Man - the early life of my other estranged brother
6) 12 Random Facts about my Grandmother - yes, she does re-use toilet paper
7) "You've Got a Nice Box" - shopping and old people
8) George W. Bush and the Decline of America - a political rant against Bush & Co.
9) Troublesome Turd (a true story) - my sister's big poo

Happy New Year to all of you.

Technorati Tags: Zydeco Fish, blogging, 2005

I Guess I am on Vacation and so there may be random posts (even more random, that is) until early January.

Vote for Me, or not

I was surprised to learn that I have been nominated for the KBCafe Blog Awards in the category of Best Library Blog. You can vote for me or against me here. I am a little surprised because I don't really consider this blog to be a library blog. The two other blogs nominated are real library blogs. Maybe my recent spate of librarian postings had something to do with it. You can vote only once (I gather from the same IP address) until 6:00 PM PST on New Year's Eve. Happy Voting.

Why Am I Here? and Fear Factor

In hindsight, I should have taken all of this week off, not just the last two days of the week. I am back after a long weekend, and I am wondering why I am here. I should be at home sleeping or drinking rum. Instead, I am sitting in front of my computer, with little motivation to do anything, except walk to the supermarket to get some food for today's staff Xmas party. It will be all fun and games, well, at least there will be staff games... :-(

I rarely watch Fear Factor, 'cause I think it is so repetitive and boring. Even when they eat cow anuses, it's a bit boring. If they had to butcher the cow first, then carve out the anus for ingestion, that would be something. Simply eating an anus on a plate doesn't seem like such a big deal to me. Same goes for bull testicles. If you are going to force someone to eat those, make them harvest the things first.

Anyway, it occurred to me that there is little that I would consider to be genuinely fear-inducing. So, my proposal is that they add a new twist to the show. My idea is: kill the contestants and then resuscitate them. You know, stop the heart, and then defibrillate them or use adrenaline or some other means to revive them. Now that would be interesting to watch.

I guess I have to create a post in which I review my best posts from 2005. I did this the past two years, and I have to say that I lack the critical faculties to do this. So, if you have any ideas, I'll gladly listen. So far, I am thinking that the poop entry has to be there.

Technorati Tags: work, Fear Factor

Troublesome Turd (a true story)

Imagine my mother (if you can), hair in curlers, wielding a plunger like some sort of impromptu shepherd's staff, rounding up her four children and herding them into the bathroom for a bizarre family meeting. There we stood around the toilet, five of us looking down into the bowl at the most enormous "dropping" I had ever seen. It was impressive. As someone who loved the Guinness Book of World Records, my immediate thought was to call up those guys and have them bring either a ruler or a scale to get the stats on that baby. I was sure we would be famous very soon. I was almost going to suggest that mother get her camera, but I realized that she was angry.

She was angry, not because the culprit didn't flush the toilet after doing his/her business, but because it was so big, it wouldn't go down the toilet. She proved her point by repeatedly flushing the toilet. It spun around and around and never went anywhere. She aimed the plunger at each of us, demanding to know who did it. Who dropped that huge turd that was far too big to flush? I wondered if she was going to hack at it with something as we watched, but she just kept demanding to know who did it.

My eldest brother, I suppose because he was the eldest and a boy, got the blame, despite his protestations. From that day, I viewed my brother as some sort of super pooper (wasn't that an ABBA song?) We were released from the smelly room and I gather my mother used the plunger to batter that turd into small enough pieces that it would go down. I was left thinking that she was a bit unfair to us. After all, who among us can regulate the size of our movements? I'd wager that few of us can, and ever fewer would admit to having the talent.

About five years ago, my sister made a confession to me. She said, somewhat gleefully and through bursts of laughter, that she was the one who did it. With one sentence, she turned everything upside down. She destroyed that image of my brother as a mythical pooper and she made me re-evaluate girls. It took me a while to process the information. I thought she should tell my mother, but then she has probably forgotten about the whole thing by now.

Technorati Tags: poop, family history, sister, brother, mother

Zydeco Fish is Boring and post-Rheos Comments

I apologize for the boring quotient on my blog recently. I guess I've had other things to do, like work. So, this blogs sucks eggs recently.

After the Rheostatics show last night at the Horseshoe, I cycled home through the snow. I brushed the snow from my bike seat, saddled up, and headed up Spadina Avenue. The roads were snow-covered, reminding me of my childhood. Looking at the snow under streetlights always reminds me of late evening tobogganing.

The Rheos were good, as usual, and I managed to speak with Tim and Dave briefly. The crowd was smaller this year than at last year's fundraiser. The timing was not so good 'cause many colleges and Universities are in exams now, so that might have killed the crowd a bit.

I cycled past Grossman's Tavern and heard a few bars of blues that traveled very well through the snowy night. I saw Jeff Healey there a few years back. And then, I cycled home through the quite and snowy streets, trying not to fall off, careful to avoid the patches of ice hidden under the snow.

Happy Birthday Keith.

Technorati Tags: Zydeco Fish, Rheostatics, Spadina Avenue, cycling

Rheostatics & your chance to meet me!

Once again, I will be collecting money at the doors tonight for the Rheostatics show at the Horseshoe Tavern (370 Queen Street, near Spadina). This is night 6 of their 10 night Fall Nationals. This is a "free" event, but donations are encouraged for two local schools.

You never know what might happen. This is what happened last year.

Technorati Tags: Rheostatics

A Dream, A Dream

It was Friday night, I think, when I awoke after having a very perplexing dream. In it, Jack Klugman reprised his role as Quincy. That's not so strange, you might say. But, let me go on. He was Quincy on Planet of the Apes (it wasn't that lame remake, but I couldn't tell if it was one of the original movies or the TV series). Even now, I hear some of you saying, that's not so odd. But, let me go on. In the dream, he wasn't simply Mr. Klugman playing Quincy dressed as an ape. He really was Jack Klugman as an ape. There was no makeup. Jack was all aped out. OK, maybe it was simply very convincing makeup. My immediate question was, is Jack Klugman still alive? That passed, and I haven't bothered to find out.

Analyze that if you like.

Technorati Tags: dreams, Jack Klugman, Quincy, Planet of the Apes

Christmas Gifts for You

I was planning on giving you all $1 million each, but I didn't win that huge lottery a while back. Too bad for you. And so, this year, I will be making a donation in your name to the Human Fund. Happy Festivus! I know, I gave the same thing last year. Sorry about that.

By the way, the captions on the photo are: "The automotive equivalent of a really hot librarian" and "Good-looking, yet intelligent. Fun, yet sophisticated." Yup, that's me.

Technorati tags: Christmas, Human Fund, Librarians

Librarians, My Fly, & The Diablo Red

After yesterday's post, I feel compelled to mention that I spent the entire day sitting next to a librarian called Marian. I am not joking. I met her two or three years ago. She is quite nice, and not the Marian stereotype at all. However, others in the crowd of 130 were rather Marianish. I still haven't decided what the male equivalent is called. Maybe Marvin or Larry or Harry would do.

On the cycle-in today, I had this unsettling feeling that my crotch was really cold. I blamed the minus 18 degree windchill, but when I arrived, I noticed once again that my fly was down. Hopefully, no damage was done.

I am not (and have never been) a metal head, although I have listened to my share of Iron Maiden and others - mostly from driving around in my cousins' souped up cars and looking for chics. I have to say that I found that embarrassing and never knew what to say to these young ladies. One of my cousins had all of the lines down, like "hey, girls, what's up" and "you wanna beer?" There was usually a cooler full in the back seat. Mercifully, we did not have a Mr. Microphone. Oh, and we struck out every single time, as you might expect.

Speaking of metal, The Diablo Red have a new album out. I know the drummer; I even went to his wedding. So, if this is your thing, check it out. You can listen to samples here.

Technorati Tags: librarians, cycling, The Diablo Red

A Gaggle of Librarians

OK, well, I am not really sure if a group of Librarians is called a gaggle, and even if it is, at what threshold does it become a gaggle and not simply a group? But, if not gaggle, then what? A collection? A classification? A range? A pod? A herd? Who knows?

This is just to say that I am off for a one day meeting with a number of librarians tomorrow (out of blogging range). I am not sure how many librarians will be there. I will know a few of them and others will be new to me. Whenever I attend library conferences or meetings, I invariably reflect on the librarian stereotype. You must have heard about Marian the Librarian. I think that comes from the Music Man, wherein we meet a librarian, Marian Paroo, who is dubbed 'Marian The Librarian'. There is even a song by that title in the film. In fact, here are the lyrics:

Madam Librarian
What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear
I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian...Marian
Heaven help us if the library caught on fire
And the Volunteer Hose Brigademen
Had to whisper the news to Marian...Madam Librarian!
What can I say, my dear, to make it clear
I need you badly, badly, Madam Librarian...Marian
If I stumbled and I busted my what-you-may-call-it
I could lie on your floor
'Till my body had turned to carrion....Madam Librarian.
Now in the moonlight, a man could sing it
In the moonlight
And a fellow would know that his darling
Had heard ev'ry word of his song
With the moonlight helping along.
But when I try in here to tell you, dear
I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian...Marian
It's a long lost cause I can never win
For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud with any librarian
Such as Marian.....Madam Librarian

The truth is that I am saddened by the stereotype. It does not serve us well, but I guess I'll have to live with it. It leads people to assume that the writer of this blog is female. It leads others to assume that I am gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). It leads others to assume that I check out books all day and tell people to be quiet. That is the lament of the librarian. The truth is that we have multi-faceted jobs that cannot be summed up neatly in answer to the question "what do you do?" I want to say: let me write a paragraph, and I'll get back to you.

'Tis true: some librarians do have buns and wear wool suits. Some librarians are a walking, talking stereotype, but I don't know any of them personally.

Technorati Tags: librarians

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to Me
Happy Birthday to Me
Happy Birthday dear Me
Happy Birthday to Me

Happy birthday to all the of the December 2nd folks out there. People born on this date include: Britney Spears, Nelly Furtado (we have the same dentist), Monica Seles, Lucy Liu, Alexander Haig, and Maria Callas. Lots of people died on December 2nd, including Robertson Davies (I met him once), Aaron Copland, Pablo Escobar, Desi Arnaz, Marty Feldman (my hero), Max Weber, Marquis de Sade, and my grandfather.

I think I have figured out why time moves slower when you are a child. It's because you spend most of your life waiting. You wait to be old enough to have legal sex, to drive, to vote, to drink. I still remember when the cops showed up at Cactus Jack's in Guelph, where my friends and I were drinking underage on my 18th birthday. They flashed their badges, but they did not give us that $53 fine for some reason. High school seems so long because you can't wait to finish. But, my undergrad went fairly fast, because I had no idea what I wanted to do afterwards. I wasn't waiting for anything.

As I was reflecting on the fact that this week just screamed by, I decided that time would move slower if later ages offered some benefit. And I am not talking about those minor senior's discounts. Maybe time would move much lower if I knew that at age 55, I would be exempt from income taxes? Perhaps at age 50, you would get a new driver's license that would permit you to exceed any posted speed limit by 25%. How about allowing anyone older than 75 to urinate where ever they want to? (potted plants, etc). Those are just random thoughts off the top of my head.

Anyway, it's Friday already, and I can't believe it. I thought I was busy, but I have no idea what I accomplished this week.

Technorati Tags: December 2nd, time, birthday