Sunday, December 30, 2007

Fractured, plus Jericho

Yes, I took the kids skating again today. No, I didn't not break any bones, and neither did the kids, thankfully. My mother, however, inadvertently went skating down her driveway and ended up with a broken hip. She is now resting in a hospital awaiting surgery for an artificial hip or steel pins. The course of action has yet to be determined.

Before the accident, she argued with her mother (with whom she lives) about who should venture out and retrieve the blue box from the curb. My mother prevailed. I wonder if she regrets winning that fight.

In other news, I think I hate my template.

In other other news, I have been on a Jericho bender. I downloaded all 22 season one episodes. I know I can watch full episodes on the official site, but that small video box is way too confining. I would happily have downloaded episodes with embedded commercials, but networks are far too conservative to embrace peer-to-peer technologies. Of course, online full episodes are important these days because many new TV programs require committed watching. For example, it's too late to start watching Heroes: you will have no idea what is going on if you start now, so you need a season and a half recap. Instead of the small box on the official website, networks ought to seed official versions in torrent tracker sites. I would like that.

Anyway, Jericho is pretty good. Despite some cheesy plot lines and some mediocre casting, the series has enough suspense and mystery to keep me interested. I have seen 12 episodes and am eager to see the rest, as well as season two, which commences in February. There is a risk of cancellation, but I am used to that since most shows I watch end up dead. The Family Guy managed to withstand two cancellations. It has nine lives. I hope Jericho can make it.

A curious thing about Jericho is the Morse Code used in the opening credits. I just realized that the code is different every time. The Wikipedia episode summary entries decipher each opening message.

By the way, I delete the episodes after viewing them.


Good news. It seems CBC is finally ready to seed one of its programs on peer-to-peer networks.

Friday, December 28, 2007


I took the kids skating this morning. I still have it. In other words, I can still skate. It's sort of like riding a bike, I guess. Never once did my ass hit the ice. Later, I made delicious cocoa with soy milk. It tasted great to me, and the kids complimented me on it.

Sadly, my x-mas break is passing very very quickly. This makes me sad.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Happy Holidays

Hi everyone. I had planned for this post to be my last post ever. You see, I purchased a ticket for Friday night's Super 7 lottery, with an estimated jackpot of $30,000,000. Now that we have cleared up the fraud issues (or so I hope), I felt comfortable enough to splurge on a ticket. Sadly, I did not win, not even a free ticket. So, you are stuck with me for a while longer. In truth, If I had won, I would probably have commenced a blog called "Lifestyles of the Stupidly Rich." I even had the idea to hire a professional comic book or graphic book illustrator to follow me around and draw heroic pictures of me in action. Sadly, this plan will have to be delayed.

Happy holidays to everyone. I am off to sing in my one horse open sleigh.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Best of Zydeco Fish 2007 (see: best of 2006; 2005; 2004; 2003)

I guess it is late enough in the year for my annual best of, since I probably only have a few more posts in me for 2007. I have this overwhelming sense of failure as a blogger this year, which comes from the belief that I did not post very much this year. In fact, the stats say otherwise:

2007 - 125 (so far)
2006 - 58
2005 - 220
2004 - 107
2003 - 42

2007 was my second best year in terms of posts. Nothing can match the golden year of 2005, where I posted frequently and always had something obnoxious or funny to say. The highlight this year was that no one called me a twit. On the other hand, there was that ongoing event that I can't mention for fear it will start all over again.

So here it is:

1) The Boston Molasses Disaster and other Curiosities. I am not sure why I like this. I suppose it just holds together nicely as a post about curious things I had recently read about.

2) The Conference Review. About the Ontario Library Association Conference and a librarian feeding frenzy. I now regret that National Geographic wasn't there to cover it.

3) He'll Be Dead Soon. The topic that cannot be mentioned, but here it is anyway.

4) Today, I Killed a Mouse. Graphic cruelty to rodents.

5) Tube Quest. On a curious trip to a bike store for a new tube.

6) Getting Down in Second Life. Cyberorgies and anatomically-incorrect avatars.

7) Endings/Beginnings, part three. The ongoing history of my family.

8) Endings/Beginnings, part four. The ongoing history of my family, continued.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Keywords Mayhem, part 7

I guess it has been long enough since I have posted something like this. See previous entries: here, here, here, here, here, and here, if you want.

I am still fascinated by the keywords people use to find things, especially my blog. As a Librarian, I want to be able to reach out to some of these people and correct their search syntax; others, I just want to slap. So, here again are terms people used to get here. It makes me wonder what kind of a blog I really have...

sesame street hidden message - yup, there is one.
housewife must strip after lost bet - clearly, a search for legal precedents.
eating kidneys are they good for me - no! in fact, avoid all internal organs.
world record for longest belch (also: longest belch ever, guinness book) - my brother holds that record.
clothing that sucks stomach in - I think it's called a girdle.
britney spears in a thong bidini - that image does nothing for me.
walmart pick-up joint - for the desperate, perhaps, but I did blog about it.
nympho librarian - that one keeps coming up. If I ever meet one, I'll be sure to let you all know.
wild nympho librarian stories - I am sure they are all fiction, but you never know.
hairy breasts - male or female?
Princeton rub - again, about my brother.
rolex ad time travel conspiracy - what?
large nipples video - one man's fetish.
fart on demand - my school friend, Gordie.
writing about what fish look like (also: fish video game) - always lots of fish stuff.
sensuous banana eating contest (also: banana eating sexy) - sometimes a banana is just a banana.
Facebook enemies - we all have them, I think.
can i get herpes from a toilet seat? (also: std on toilet paper) - no you can't.
pussy shaped cake - someone loves cats.
ivanka trump-breasts - Yes, I believe she has breasts.
Anal beads[buying the stairway to heaven] - OK, so I just do not get the connection at all.
male thongs at zellers - that's where my dad buys his.
cold weather fractured penis - yikes, painful.
"natalie portman" pee - hmmm, the beginning of the bodily functions searches.
infantilism breast milk and diaper - I have never understood this.
extreme adult diapers - or this.
adult baby poop diapers - oh, man.
defecating on floors in public restrooms -gay - I like how this person used a - to remove the word gay from his/her search. In other words, s/he only wants the straight poop.
do the chinese poop on the street? - I'd think not.
8 year old feces smeared - what's with all this feces fascination?
wake up with gorgeous hair - I do, everyday.
spiderman speedo - Has movie marketing gone that far?
alice cooper i picked up my guitar to blast away the time someone in the next room said now turn that damn thing down - oh, yes, from Cooper's Teenage Lament '74. About my other brother.

Monday, December 17, 2007

OpenID Commenting

Well, this is very cool. Blogger has just enabled OpenID Commenting, which means that you can comment here using your blog URL from OpenID-enabled services. These include WordPress, Live Journal, and AOL Journals. You can read more about this here here.

I do have one question, however, and that is: what the hell is AOL Journals? I have never heard of this before. I have yet to comprehend why anyone even uses AOL for anything. I mean, there are so many other good ISPs and blogging sites out there. When I think of AOL, I think of landfill sites full of AOL disks sent to every resident on earth whether they wanted one or not.

OK, OK, so I went to AOL Journals to see what it was all about, and then I ended up following a link to AOL News (who knew there was such a thing as that? It sounds as dubious as Fox News), and then I found this story about a giant rat. Really, you have to look, if only for the photo. Go. Go now. Go Look. Please.

By the way, this is absolutely hilarious.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Let it Snow?

You know, I like a good snow storm, probably because it brings back fond memories of school bus cancellations, but I just spent 45 minutes clearing snow and now I am exhausted. So, I am dreaming of a green, or brown or grey Christmas - anything but white. Still, I do like a storm. ..

I am also hungry too and there is a paucity of snack foods. I wonder if I should cycle tomorrow.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

No Country for Old Men

For the first time in months, I finally saw a film at the theatre, the Varsity, if you are interested. Last night, I took in No Country for Old Men, a thoroughly enjoyable violent romp through parts of Texas, complete with a brief appearance by Woody Harrelson. I have no idea what this dude has been up to - oh, yeah, he has been promoting hemp. I thought he must have given up acting for good, but here he is, in a 10 gallon hat doing is best Texan accent.

Yup, there sure is a lot of shootin' in this one. Most people would never have recovered from such wounds, but, in some films, like this and Rambo: First Blood, you can simply sew yourself up. With the right tools, why you can remove gun shot from your shoulder or thigh. For the more serious wounds, however, a trip to a Mexican hospital is the way to go.

I am almost not sure what to say about the film, except that it is grim, but Mister Anchovy said it better: "The world is grim. Life is a coin toss. Most of the characters in the film get killed. You might as well retire, like the Sheriff, because there's no point trying to stem the tide." That's just about it.

There is almost a complete lack of music in this movie, except for the final credits and the short scene with some Mexican musicians. There is no original score. I am not so sure that the absence of music is a bad thing. Many movies today have way too much music, and some feel more like advertisements for music or extended music videos. Maybe because of the absence of music, I paid far more attention to the sound.

Despite being grim and violent, this movie is extremely well-made, with top shelf acting, and a remarkably good screenplay. I felt completely engrossed and did not check my watch once (not that I wear one currently).

PS: I am trying out Blogger's new poll feature. Check it out on the right nave bar.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Food Meme

From Running42K who got it from Andrew who go it from Electronic Cerebrectomy who got it from Byzantium's Shores.

This'll be weird, since I can't eat gluten and I don't eat dairy products.

1. How do you like your eggs?
Over easy or scrambled with bacon. It depends on many things, like the weather, the time of year, and what I am wearing.

2. How do you take your coffee/tea?
Coffee: decaf, black or with a splash of soy milk. I drink Typhoo decaf tea with some soy milk.

3. Favorite breakfast food?
Gluten-free waffles or pancakes with bacon. But, mostly I eat rice cakes with various toppings, like jam, honey, nut butters (not peanut), etc.

4. Peanut butter - smooth or crunchy?
I don't eat it, but when I did, it had to be crunchy. I prefer cashew or almond butter.

5. What kind of dressing on your salad?
Balsamic vinaigrette.

6. Coke or Pepsi?
Neither. In fact, no pop at all, except for maybe one glass of ginger ale every year or two. Well, I might have a rum and coke once a year, or so.

7. You’re feeling lazy, what do you make?
Rice pasta with sauce from a jar.

8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order?
Sadly, I cannot eat pizza. When I did, it was always bacon & pineapple. So, the equivalent would be to order in Thai or Indian food, but I can no longer order from the usual Thai food place, because I found out that it is not gluten-free after years of them telling me it was.

9. You feel like cooking. What do you make?
Recently, I've been hopping on the web to try new recipes, rather than reverting to the old standards. I recently made some very hot golden chicken curry and some strange chicken dish with tamari (gluten-free) and almonds.

10. Do any foods bring back good memories?
Roast chicken (or roast beef or roast pork).

11. Do any foods bring back bad memories?
I think I can no longer eat any of the foods that would have brought back the bad memories. But, I would say anything cooked by my mother or the pizza from my home town.

12. Do any foods remind you of someone?

13. Is there a food you refuse to eat?
I refuse to eat dairy products (milk, cheese, cream, etc). I am forced to avoid gluten as I have Celiac Disease, which I have mentioned before on this blog. Beyond that, I would refuse internal organs (liver, kidneys, tripe, brains, etc.). I am not a fan of lobster. To me, it just tastes like rubber.

14. What was your favorite food as a child?
Ice cream, creamed corn, cereal - but not at the same time.

15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like?
Sweet potatoes.

16. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate?
Well, milk. It is a vile and disgusting substance.

17. Favorite fruit and vegetable:
Can't choose just one...
Fruit: mangos, bananas, raspberries. Vegetables: sweet potatoes, butternut squash.

18. Favorite junk food:
Lays Lightly Salted!

19. Favorite between meal snack:

20. Do you have any weird food habits?
I like bananas on rice cakes with almond or cashew butter.

21. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on?
I have never been on a diet. I have pretty much weighed the same my entire adult life. I have never felt the need to fill up on anything, and I wouldn't even know what is a good thing to fill up on. I suppose I would say a banana.

22. You’re off your diet. Now what would you like?
Sorbet or dark chocolate.

23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai?
Medium to hot.

24. Can I get you a drink?
Red wine please. Oh, you mean non-alcoholic? Well, water or apple cider.

25. Red wine or white?
See #24, but I like white too.

26. Favorite dessert?
Lemon sorbet from this cool place in T-Dot. Also, I like Haagen Daz Mango sorbet.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Perplexing Things

#1) The French Department where I just took my French course prohibits the awarding of grades higher than an A, which means I will get an A, according to the instructor. This is ridiculous. If you achieve an A+, you ought to get an A+. This A will bring down my GPA.

#2) My mother sent me a bizarre birthday card that defies explanation. First, on the return address label, she blacked out her middle initial. It's perplexing that she just doesn't get new labels. I know that she hates her middle name, and I can understand that, but simply knowing that her middle name commences with an M does not mean that people will know what her middle name is! One can also see that she has scribbled over the M anyway. So, she is just drawing attention to the fact that there is something wrong on the label. If you ask me, her middle name is better than her first name. This is a sign.

#3) Inside the envelope were coupons for various things, like batteries, etc. I will not use any of these coupons. The most amazing thing is that none of the coupons is expired, as is usually the case.

#4) Inside the envelope was an out-of-focus and badly-composed photograph of some roses her mother received for her 80th birthday in November of 1999. On the back, she printed: "NOV 99 MOTHERS [sic] ROSES FOR BIRTHDAY 80TH". The photo clearly depicts the atrocity that is my grandmother's kitchen, from the heinous wall paper to the nausea-inducing tablecloth. It is perplexing to me that my grandmother has not redecorated in over 25 years of ownership.

Inside the envelope was a folded over piece of paper containing a stamp affixed with glue. My mother scribbled that she wanted me to see this stamp with a pig on it. It's must be from a series of stamps depicting Chinese Astrological signs. I am not a pig. The paper the stamp is affixed to is from a tax receipt from March 28, 2004 which indicates that she gave $20 to the church for the first quarter of the year.

#6) Inside the envelope was half of a birthday card. She simply cut the front off an old card, presumably because the other part had writing on it. She edited the Happy Birthday line on the front by inserting, the word BELATED with a ^ and then wrote my name below. On the back she wrote: "Here is the 1/2 card; Hope you had a Happy Birthday. The check is whole." Why "the" half card?

#7) The cheque was for $30. Also included was a cheque from my grandmother for $20. My grandmother sends hers along in the same envelope to save on postage and greeting cards. My grandmother has given me the same amount for Christmas and my birthday since the day I was born. Inflation means nothing to her. When my first daughter was born, she gave me $5. The Italian lady that lived next door and who could barely speak English - and whom I saw a handful of times in my life - gave me $20. That is perplexing.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Help is on the way!

From the spam files:

Small male machine is not a trouble.

You Dont please with your instrument size.

Chicks laugh at you.

You have marvelous chance to solve this trouble.

Try our instrument e;nlargement and Women will adore you promptly.

I used. My wife is really happy.

Thank you, Dr. Kenny Hackett. I have to say that your name doesn't inspire much hope that this product will work.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Les Chaussures de Zydeco Fish

Some visual stimulation for your Wednesday. Size 9. Imitation Converse, purchased on Yonge Street about 15 years ago. Probably made in China. The only reason they are still in one piece, is that I rarely wore them outside because the soles are so thin, I could feel every pebble underfoot.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Endings/Beginnings, part four (see parts one and two and three)

Some of you will remember the short piece I wrote about one of my brothers a couple of years ago. It is difficult to add to that, but I could begin with the fact that he is now collecting a disability pension and doing some under-the-table taxi dispatching work. He has unpaid bills all over town, but people are still civil to him. After all, he is a celebrity, if a minor one. How many people can say that they know a man who weighs 400 pounds?

The most amazing thing about my brother is that he is still alive. He should be dead. Somehow, his body remembers to function. His heart still goes and his lungs, battered by thousands of cigarettes, still work. He continues to use the cane, but now he has a reason. In high school, he walked with one frequently, arguing that it relived the pain of ambulating with hemorrhoids. His wife, the one he married after the mother of his children was imprisoned and the kids swept away into foster care (it never crossed his mind to take them in and be a father to them) has been placed in long term care with early-onset Alzheimer's. She is in her fifties.

I suppose I should point put that she is much older than he. If you ask me, his attraction to this woman was based solely on the fact that she had daughters that were nearly his age. It was another thing that made him freakish, another thing for people to talk about behind his back. He had no other way of making any sort of impact, so he went for freakish acts, like force-feeding himself into obesity and, if he can manage it, an early death. Some day, he will be found prostate on the ground in his motel room, a half-eaten doughnut protruding from his mouth.

Yes, I see a bad end for my brother, but I believe that he hopes he will look down on his enormous body from above, just as we normal people believe that one day we might observe our own funerals, and delight in the fact that he lived out his childhood fantasy and become the man in the wicker chair.

So, I celebrated my birthday on Sunday by shoveling tons of very heavy snow and coming to the realization that I am older than I once was.