Conference

I will be attending the Ontario Library Association's Annual Super Conference in Toronto for the next three days. I have no idea why they call it a Super Conference. It's not like they host a Terrible Conference during a different part of the year. The conference is good, but I am not so sure that I have ever had a super time listening to sessions on metadata or strategic planning. No, I will not be presenting this year.

I think there's something weird about going to a conference where you live. My preferred conference experience is sleeping in hotels, going out to dinner, seeing new places, and skipping sessions to go shopping in new stores. The Metro Toronto Convention Centre is located in a touristy area, and so it is all over-priced restaurants and stupid stores. Of course, it is a step up from my experience in Houston, where I felt like I was in some sort of prison. We were miles away from anything and, without a car, we had no where to go. It was hell on earth. Boston, on the other hand, rocked. Now that is a cool city.

This is what I wrote about the conference last year.

Technorati Tags: conferences, Ontario Library Association

The End of an Era

There was a time, I famously told many people, when I could go an entire semester without doing laundry. That time was when I was a grad student at the University of Toronto shortly after I moved from Laundromat heaven to Laundromat hell. Suddenly, there was no Laundromat within a reasonable distance. And, the slumlord reneged on his promise to install machines in the basement.

I hit a laundry crisis. I lived too far from a Laundromat for it to be even remotely useful. So, I came up with a radical plan. Instead of doing laundry, I bought new clothes. The dirty laundry piled up in the closet while I took detours home along Spadina Avenue to Chocky's (which, sadly, no longer exists, at least not in it's original form). Mostly, I bought socks and underwear and, my were they fine underwear.

Most of them lasted this long. And so, I say goodbye to my last pair of special underwear. They'll hit the trash can this week. The material is still in good shape, but the waistband is shot. I considered replacing the elastic, but that seems like an extreme measure.

I wish I could tell you more about them (I will avoid posting a picture of them), but all I know is that they were made in India with some really nice cotton. My plan, then, is to sell them on eBay. After all, they are the age of some really fine wine, and I'm sure they'll go for big bucks.

Technorati Tags: underwear, socks, laundry

Adult Diapers Sales in China are up, way up

In that meme a couple of posts back, I listed diapers under the category "five things you would never wear again. " Good thing I don't live in China. It turns out that, next to food and firecrackers, the most popular commodity being purchased during the holiday season is adult diapers!

Apparently, many people have to travel such long distances in overcrowded trains, where even the bathrooms are jammed with people, that they feel they need an alternative to a bathroom. Added to that is the fact that people are forced to wait in queues for hours to purchase tickets. So, some people have decided to buy adult diapers rather than loose their place in line or struggle through a crowded train to do #2 in front of strangers. Given the choice of soiling myself or doing my business in front of crowd, I'd choose the latter.

Who knows, this could lead to the spreading of infantilism throughout China.

I'd still like to visit China, but only if I never have to take the train.

Technorati Tags: China, adult diapers

The Word is Spreading

A mystery colleague, who has obviously heard me preach about the evils of dairy products, put a Bizarro comic in my mailbox today. I'd post it here, but, as a good librarian, I know I would be breaking copyright laws. I'll just post the text, even though that probably also breaks copyright laws.

The strip is subtitled: "BUZZKILL the LUNCHLADY"

"And remember, kids - not only is milk a fattening health hazard, but when you're drinking milk, it means a sad & lonely calf somewhere isn't!"

So true. The breast milk of hairy 2000 pound cows is for baby cows, not people. In other words, when you drink milk, you are drinking the breast milk of a cow. Got it?

Technorati Tags: milk, bovine slime

Meme

Finally, I am getting to this meme. I was tagged by Shelly, and, being the lazy blogger that I am, it took me something like a month to do it. Here goes:

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1. eddy
2. sara
3. kirk
4. shelly
5. zydeco fish

Then you get to select five people to pass the love on to so they can do this meme, like so:

I think everyone I know has already done this. But, here goes. If you have already done it, that just means I wasn't paying attention and I missed your post.

1. Supper Happy Jen
2. Luanne
3. Liz
4. Sugar (drizzlenightsky)
5. KTS


What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was teaching an internet course (it's a good thing I kept my old daytimers). Other than that, I was working in a hospital and feeling very poor. Sounds boring, huh?

What were you doing 1 year ago?

I was sitting in my office doing Virtual Reference. Boring again, right?

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Chocolate
2. Chips
3. Fruit
4. Sorbet (dairy-free)
5. Chocolate

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

1. Happy Birthday to You
2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
3. This is the Song that Never Ends
4. Big Iron
5. The Alphabet of Nations


Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Retire
2. Buy a condo/apartment near Central Park in NYC
3. Buy a car (or two)
4. Buy a new stereo/TV etc.
5. Give everyone who has ever commented here $20

Five bad habits (sorry, only 3):
1. I'm lazy
2. I procrastinate
3. I never clean up my office at work
4.
5.

Five things you like doing:
1. Eating chocolate
2. Listening to music
3. Writing
4. Cycling
5. Sleeping

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Diapers
2. Velour
3. Speedos
4. Leather ties
5. Anything with paisley

Five favorite toys:
1. Laptop
2. Digital camera
3. DVD player
4. Palm pilot
5. Photoshop

Technorati Tags: memes

It Could have Been Worse

It could have been a majority government, and that would have forced me to move to a liberal country somewhere in the world, but I am not sure if there are any left. Cuba looks good right now.

I am amazed that Canadians have such ridiculously short memories. The Conservative Party (once known as the Progressive Conservative Party, and are now better described as the Regressive Conservative Party) brought in the GST. And now we elect them on a promise to reduce the tax? They should not be elected for undoing part of a stupid tax that they created.

The Conservative party is homophobic and wants to trample on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. The Conservative party supports big business and wants private health care. The Conservative Party likes George Bush and his missile defense plan. Let us not forget that Harper wanted Canada to send our troops to Iraq. The Conservative Party likes pollution and, given any chance, will kill Kyoto.

I am not happy about this, but I hope that Canadians will see the error in our ways by the time the next election rolls around.

Technorati Tags: election, Stephen Harper

My Shirt

Today was one of those days where I ran out of time in the morning, and so I grabbed a shirt of almost last resort. It's not such a bad shirt; it is black with long sleeves. It does have a fine cut. It's warm, solid, and feels nice. I gave it the sniff test and pulled it over my head.

The problem is that is has some sort of padding on the front. It's not a serious padding, but it is noticeable. In fact, a colleague said to me today: "Is that padding on your shirt?" I couldn't say that it wasn't padding. If anyone touched it, they would know. It's like there is extra material bunched up in there.

Of course, I was reminded of my step mother, a woman with some sort of serious quilting fetish. She will quilt on top on anything. Hand her a perfectly fine jean jacket and she will layout a patchwork quilt that would be the envy of all of the Mennonites in Waterloo County. That's what my shirt is like. It feels almost quilted. I may have to take this garment out of rotation.

Technorati Tags: shirts, quilting

I'm Back

I disappeared from the Blogosphere for so long because:

a) The police finally caught up with me and put me in jail
b) I went to Sweden for a sex change operation
c) I was a contestant on Survivor
d) A talent agent "discovered" me and flew me out to Hollywood where I starred in my first feature (you can reserve your copy at your favourite adult video store soon)
e) Aliens abducted me
f) I forgot my password
g) I needed a hair cut
h) I was meditating and lost track of the time
i) I was in the studio, recording an album of Neil Diamond songs
j) I joined a cult and narrowly avoided a mass suicide

Best of Zydeco Fish, 2005

I seem to have the flu or something like it, so I did this quickly. You may disagree with my choices.

(read best of 2004; 2003)

1) Easter Bunnies - notes on Easter and some recipes
2) Happy St. Patrick's Day - imperialism and song
3) "Gorgeous hair is the best revenge" - all about hair - I am not sure why I like this one
4) Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man - the early life of my estranged brother
5) Portrait of my Other Brother as a Young Man - the early life of my other estranged brother
6) 12 Random Facts about my Grandmother - yes, she does re-use toilet paper
7) "You've Got a Nice Box" - shopping and old people
8) George W. Bush and the Decline of America - a political rant against Bush & Co.
9) Troublesome Turd (a true story) - my sister's big poo

Happy New Year to all of you.

Technorati Tags: Zydeco Fish, blogging, 2005

I Guess I am on Vacation and so there may be random posts (even more random, that is) until early January.

Vote for Me, or not

I was surprised to learn that I have been nominated for the KBCafe Blog Awards in the category of Best Library Blog. You can vote for me or against me here. I am a little surprised because I don't really consider this blog to be a library blog. The two other blogs nominated are real library blogs. Maybe my recent spate of librarian postings had something to do with it. You can vote only once (I gather from the same IP address) until 6:00 PM PST on New Year's Eve. Happy Voting.

Why Am I Here? and Fear Factor

In hindsight, I should have taken all of this week off, not just the last two days of the week. I am back after a long weekend, and I am wondering why I am here. I should be at home sleeping or drinking rum. Instead, I am sitting in front of my computer, with little motivation to do anything, except walk to the supermarket to get some food for today's staff Xmas party. It will be all fun and games, well, at least there will be staff games... :-(

I rarely watch Fear Factor, 'cause I think it is so repetitive and boring. Even when they eat cow anuses, it's a bit boring. If they had to butcher the cow first, then carve out the anus for ingestion, that would be something. Simply eating an anus on a plate doesn't seem like such a big deal to me. Same goes for bull testicles. If you are going to force someone to eat those, make them harvest the things first.

Anyway, it occurred to me that there is little that I would consider to be genuinely fear-inducing. So, my proposal is that they add a new twist to the show. My idea is: kill the contestants and then resuscitate them. You know, stop the heart, and then defibrillate them or use adrenaline or some other means to revive them. Now that would be interesting to watch.

I guess I have to create a post in which I review my best posts from 2005. I did this the past two years, and I have to say that I lack the critical faculties to do this. So, if you have any ideas, I'll gladly listen. So far, I am thinking that the poop entry has to be there.

Technorati Tags: work, Fear Factor

Troublesome Turd (a true story)

Imagine my mother (if you can), hair in curlers, wielding a plunger like some sort of impromptu shepherd's staff, rounding up her four children and herding them into the bathroom for a bizarre family meeting. There we stood around the toilet, five of us looking down into the bowl at the most enormous "dropping" I had ever seen. It was impressive. As someone who loved the Guinness Book of World Records, my immediate thought was to call up those guys and have them bring either a ruler or a scale to get the stats on that baby. I was sure we would be famous very soon. I was almost going to suggest that mother get her camera, but I realized that she was angry.

She was angry, not because the culprit didn't flush the toilet after doing his/her business, but because it was so big, it wouldn't go down the toilet. She proved her point by repeatedly flushing the toilet. It spun around and around and never went anywhere. She aimed the plunger at each of us, demanding to know who did it. Who dropped that huge turd that was far too big to flush? I wondered if she was going to hack at it with something as we watched, but she just kept demanding to know who did it.

My eldest brother, I suppose because he was the eldest and a boy, got the blame, despite his protestations. From that day, I viewed my brother as some sort of super pooper (wasn't that an ABBA song?) We were released from the smelly room and I gather my mother used the plunger to batter that turd into small enough pieces that it would go down. I was left thinking that she was a bit unfair to us. After all, who among us can regulate the size of our movements? I'd wager that few of us can, and ever fewer would admit to having the talent.

About five years ago, my sister made a confession to me. She said, somewhat gleefully and through bursts of laughter, that she was the one who did it. With one sentence, she turned everything upside down. She destroyed that image of my brother as a mythical pooper and she made me re-evaluate girls. It took me a while to process the information. I thought she should tell my mother, but then she has probably forgotten about the whole thing by now.

Technorati Tags: poop, family history, sister, brother, mother

Zydeco Fish is Boring and post-Rheos Comments

I apologize for the boring quotient on my blog recently. I guess I've had other things to do, like work. So, this blogs sucks eggs recently.

After the Rheostatics show last night at the Horseshoe, I cycled home through the snow. I brushed the snow from my bike seat, saddled up, and headed up Spadina Avenue. The roads were snow-covered, reminding me of my childhood. Looking at the snow under streetlights always reminds me of late evening tobogganing.

The Rheos were good, as usual, and I managed to speak with Tim and Dave briefly. The crowd was smaller this year than at last year's fundraiser. The timing was not so good 'cause many colleges and Universities are in exams now, so that might have killed the crowd a bit.

I cycled past Grossman's Tavern and heard a few bars of blues that traveled very well through the snowy night. I saw Jeff Healey there a few years back. And then, I cycled home through the quite and snowy streets, trying not to fall off, careful to avoid the patches of ice hidden under the snow.

Happy Birthday Keith.

Technorati Tags: Zydeco Fish, Rheostatics, Spadina Avenue, cycling

Rheostatics & your chance to meet me!

Once again, I will be collecting money at the doors tonight for the Rheostatics show at the Horseshoe Tavern (370 Queen Street, near Spadina). This is night 6 of their 10 night Fall Nationals. This is a "free" event, but donations are encouraged for two local schools.

You never know what might happen. This is what happened last year.

Technorati Tags: Rheostatics

A Dream, A Dream

It was Friday night, I think, when I awoke after having a very perplexing dream. In it, Jack Klugman reprised his role as Quincy. That's not so strange, you might say. But, let me go on. He was Quincy on Planet of the Apes (it wasn't that lame remake, but I couldn't tell if it was one of the original movies or the TV series). Even now, I hear some of you saying, that's not so odd. But, let me go on. In the dream, he wasn't simply Mr. Klugman playing Quincy dressed as an ape. He really was Jack Klugman as an ape. There was no makeup. Jack was all aped out. OK, maybe it was simply very convincing makeup. My immediate question was, is Jack Klugman still alive? That passed, and I haven't bothered to find out.

Analyze that if you like.

Technorati Tags: dreams, Jack Klugman, Quincy, Planet of the Apes

Christmas Gifts for You

I was planning on giving you all $1 million each, but I didn't win that huge lottery a while back. Too bad for you. And so, this year, I will be making a donation in your name to the Human Fund. Happy Festivus! I know, I gave the same thing last year. Sorry about that.

By the way, the captions on the photo are: "The automotive equivalent of a really hot librarian" and "Good-looking, yet intelligent. Fun, yet sophisticated." Yup, that's me.

Technorati tags: Christmas, Human Fund, Librarians

Librarians, My Fly, & The Diablo Red

After yesterday's post, I feel compelled to mention that I spent the entire day sitting next to a librarian called Marian. I am not joking. I met her two or three years ago. She is quite nice, and not the Marian stereotype at all. However, others in the crowd of 130 were rather Marianish. I still haven't decided what the male equivalent is called. Maybe Marvin or Larry or Harry would do.

On the cycle-in today, I had this unsettling feeling that my crotch was really cold. I blamed the minus 18 degree windchill, but when I arrived, I noticed once again that my fly was down. Hopefully, no damage was done.

I am not (and have never been) a metal head, although I have listened to my share of Iron Maiden and others - mostly from driving around in my cousins' souped up cars and looking for chics. I have to say that I found that embarrassing and never knew what to say to these young ladies. One of my cousins had all of the lines down, like "hey, girls, what's up" and "you wanna beer?" There was usually a cooler full in the back seat. Mercifully, we did not have a Mr. Microphone. Oh, and we struck out every single time, as you might expect.

Speaking of metal, The Diablo Red have a new album out. I know the drummer; I even went to his wedding. So, if this is your thing, check it out. You can listen to samples here.

Technorati Tags: librarians, cycling, The Diablo Red

A Gaggle of Librarians

OK, well, I am not really sure if a group of Librarians is called a gaggle, and even if it is, at what threshold does it become a gaggle and not simply a group? But, if not gaggle, then what? A collection? A classification? A range? A pod? A herd? Who knows?

This is just to say that I am off for a one day meeting with a number of librarians tomorrow (out of blogging range). I am not sure how many librarians will be there. I will know a few of them and others will be new to me. Whenever I attend library conferences or meetings, I invariably reflect on the librarian stereotype. You must have heard about Marian the Librarian. I think that comes from the Music Man, wherein we meet a librarian, Marian Paroo, who is dubbed 'Marian The Librarian'. There is even a song by that title in the film. In fact, here are the lyrics:

Madam Librarian
What can I do, my dear, to catch your ear
I love you madly, madly Madam Librarian...Marian
Heaven help us if the library caught on fire
And the Volunteer Hose Brigademen
Had to whisper the news to Marian...Madam Librarian!
What can I say, my dear, to make it clear
I need you badly, badly, Madam Librarian...Marian
If I stumbled and I busted my what-you-may-call-it
I could lie on your floor
'Till my body had turned to carrion....Madam Librarian.
Now in the moonlight, a man could sing it
In the moonlight
And a fellow would know that his darling
Had heard ev'ry word of his song
With the moonlight helping along.
But when I try in here to tell you, dear
I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian...Marian
It's a long lost cause I can never win
For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud with any librarian
Such as Marian.....Madam Librarian

The truth is that I am saddened by the stereotype. It does not serve us well, but I guess I'll have to live with it. It leads people to assume that the writer of this blog is female. It leads others to assume that I am gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). It leads others to assume that I check out books all day and tell people to be quiet. That is the lament of the librarian. The truth is that we have multi-faceted jobs that cannot be summed up neatly in answer to the question "what do you do?" I want to say: let me write a paragraph, and I'll get back to you.

'Tis true: some librarians do have buns and wear wool suits. Some librarians are a walking, talking stereotype, but I don't know any of them personally.

Technorati Tags: librarians

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to Me
Happy Birthday to Me
Happy Birthday dear Me
Happy Birthday to Me

Happy birthday to all the of the December 2nd folks out there. People born on this date include: Britney Spears, Nelly Furtado (we have the same dentist), Monica Seles, Lucy Liu, Alexander Haig, and Maria Callas. Lots of people died on December 2nd, including Robertson Davies (I met him once), Aaron Copland, Pablo Escobar, Desi Arnaz, Marty Feldman (my hero), Max Weber, Marquis de Sade, and my grandfather.

I think I have figured out why time moves slower when you are a child. It's because you spend most of your life waiting. You wait to be old enough to have legal sex, to drive, to vote, to drink. I still remember when the cops showed up at Cactus Jack's in Guelph, where my friends and I were drinking underage on my 18th birthday. They flashed their badges, but they did not give us that $53 fine for some reason. High school seems so long because you can't wait to finish. But, my undergrad went fairly fast, because I had no idea what I wanted to do afterwards. I wasn't waiting for anything.

As I was reflecting on the fact that this week just screamed by, I decided that time would move slower if later ages offered some benefit. And I am not talking about those minor senior's discounts. Maybe time would move much lower if I knew that at age 55, I would be exempt from income taxes? Perhaps at age 50, you would get a new driver's license that would permit you to exceed any posted speed limit by 25%. How about allowing anyone older than 75 to urinate where ever they want to? (potted plants, etc). Those are just random thoughts off the top of my head.

Anyway, it's Friday already, and I can't believe it. I thought I was busy, but I have no idea what I accomplished this week.

Technorati Tags: December 2nd, time, birthday