ZF's Capsule Reviews of some of the Fall TV Season

Two Fins Up:

Threshold: so far so good. Interesting plot and what seems like good casting.

Invasion: I thought there might be some Partridge Family references, but that hasn't happened yet. I am sticking with this one for a while.

Alias: I know the new season hasn't yet started. It's a must see, if you ask me.

Arrested Development: I should watch this more often, but I never seem to know when it's on.

Two Fins Down:

Supernatural: super boring. It's like an X-Files episode dragged out to extreme lengths.

E-Ring: This show is a load of crap. And, what's the deal with these movies stars coming to TV? Everyone wants to be Martin Sheen, I guess. Dennis Hopper seems to have forgotten how to act, and Benjamin Bratt clearly never knew how. This show is an advertisement for the American military and the USA as defenders of the free world. It is nauseating and if I have to hear another USA is great speech, I will puke. I bailed half way through episode two, 'cause it was far too painful to watch.

Commander in Chief: Geena Davis wants to be Martin Sheen too. So does Donald Sutherland.

House: Maybe I've just seen too many hospital dramas. Maybe it's because I used to work in a hospital. Maybe it's that I think nothing can tops Scrubs, although I never see it for some reason. Anyway, House is sub-par.

Lost: There are so many things wrong with this show, it's difficult to know where to begin.

Amazing Race: I have seen only two seasons. This, after only one episode, may well be the worst.

Ghost Whisperer: Regrettably, I saw a few minutes of this failure of a show. My question is, why would anyone rip off another mediocre show? As if Medium wasn't bad enough, we now have a clone.

Technorati Tags: television, TV, Threshold, Invasion, Alias, Arrested Development, Supernatural, E-Ring, Commander-in-Chief, House, Lost, Amazing Race, Ghost Whisperer

New Template

I couldn't resist, so I changed it. I like it better, I think.

Technorati Tags: templates

Template Advice

Should I change my template? Does this one suck?

Technorati Tags: templates

A CD Review

Artist: Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-La-La Band
Title: Horses in the Sky
Label: Constellation

Godspeed You Black Emperor!, Montreal’s grandfathers of post-rock, have spawned a number of spin offs. Silver Mt. Zion may well be the oddest of the bunch in that this group employs vocals in an almost unmusical manner over lush orchestral instrumentation and drones reminiscent of the Velvet Underground. To this they add a slightly anarchistic and anti-war political stance. The album feels like post-rock punk rock, or rock and roll without guitar solos and power chords, built around chamber instruments, a drum kit, and a most unusual singing voice.

God Bless Our Dead Marines, the opening track on Horses in the Sky, Silver Mt. Zion’s 4th release, is a sprawling 11 minute descent into despair about human suffering. Commencing with the chant “we put angels in the electric chair/ the electric chair/ the electric chair,” it moves into themes of addiction, urban desolation, drowning, social dysfunction, “the hungry and the hanged,” and other decaying landscapes. The feeling is one of overwhelming sadness and misery, made even more so by Efrim Menuck's klezmer vocals over a gypsy-like folk dance. The title track, a solo acoustic guitar piece, offers one of the few quiet moments on the album. However, the feeling of beauty and harmony is subverted by observations about our schools, prisons, and malls. Although Horses in the Sky might be a difficult introduction to Montreal’s avant garde scene, it’s a must have for those already in the know.

Technorati Tags: music, Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-la-la band, cd review

Return of the Self-Portrait
Self Portrait #4 (self-portrait #3)

Taken with a Veo Photo traveler on Palm Pilot and manipulated in Macromedia Fireworks.











Technorati tags: self portraits, photography

Confession #2

I have watched all three seasons of Canadian Idol. Why, you may ask? I am not sure. Let me just say that I have never seen American Idol or the original Pop Idol. I can think of many reasons not to watch Canadian Idol. These include: Ben Mulroney (and his terrible wardrobe), Jon Dore (and his awful facial hair and unfunny comedy routines), bad singing, bad song choices, bad music in general, the ubiquitous cheese factor, and Sass Jordan (I mean, if she could sing, she'd still be singing, right?).

The waiter who won the first season can't sing. In fact, many of the finalists are appalling singers. It drives me nuts that many of these people will get record contracts, when many can't play an instrument or write a song. It's mostly lame music.

I know what you are thinking. You are wondering why I watch it. Let's not forget that, aside from the snoopisms, the search term Canadian Idol sucks brings many people to this blog. I watch it because the cross-country search for "talent" is hilarious. It's amazing to me that so many people would volunteer to make fools of themselves on national television. I also watch it because I need to break out of my pop culture vacuum. The real reason I watch is that I don't have cable and there are very few choices on Tuesday nights.

Technorati Tags: confessions, Canadian Idol

Happy 71st Birthday Mr. Leonard Cohen

Dear Leonard,

Happy Birthday and good luck with all of your money and legal problems. I really hope you get a satisfactory arrangement. I'm so sorry that you have to keep working, rather than retiring. The truth is that I am quite happy that you have to keep on working. I am looking forward to the new album and the book too. Oh, and I promise to buy a ticket for your upcoming tour.

If you need a place to stay while in Toronto, just let me know. I am sure I can find a place for you to sleep. In the meantime, I plan to perfect the mixing of a Red Needle -- a drink you invented in Needles, California (tequila and cranberry, lemon and ice. The full measure). It was thirty years ago, "as I approached my forty-first birthday," you wrote.

Best wishes and see you in Toronto.

Sincerely,

a fan

Technorati Tags: Leonard Cohen

Back to School, sort of

One of the perks of working at a University is free tuition! Yeah. I have made good use of it in the past, having taken photography courses and several writing courses. These include workshops in poetry, the short story, and autobiographical writing. Last night, I was back in the class again, taking a workshop in review writing. The instructor is a semi-famous Toronto reviewer. I have already published 5 or 6 book reviews, largely on academic works. So, this ought to be different. We are to write reviews on books, music, film, and food, the latter of which I have zero interest in.

Thank god we are not writing wine reviews. I really like wine but I have to confess that I can rarely make heads or tails out of wine reviews. How useful is it to know that there are hints of tobacco with an apricot and leather finish? It may as well be asphalt with a suggestion of bum and cigarette butts. Just tell me if it is good or not.

I may post a review or two here, if they are any good.

Technorati Tags: school, writing

Friday Time Killers

If you are staring at your computer, but don't want to do any work, I have some suggestions.

1) Listen to Jeff's podcasts at Perspicacity.

2) Play some videos games at Neopets. You have to register. Destruct-O-Match has a slight Tetris feel.

3) Watch public domain movies at the Internet Archive. You can stream Reefer Madness among other interesting films.

4) Search for your ancestors at this Mormon Genealogy site.

5) Give me opinions on good laptops. I am in the market for a laptop but am overwhelmed with selection. I guess I am looking for a lighter model that is easily portable, but not too small and wimpy. Any suggestions?

Technorati Tags: diversions, Friday

Portrait of my Other Brother as a Middle Aged Man

At last, a sort of sequel to Portrait of my Other Brother as a Young Man.

The second time someone aimed a gun at my brother, he was lucky. His girlfriend had terrible aim and took out a window instead. That incident always reminds me of the rumours about my grade 8 science teacher who, either in a drunken stupor or a fit of impotent rage, shot his piano with an elephant gun. A few years earlier, my brother had been shot in the leg by an American hunter he was guiding through a northern Ontario forest in search of game.

So, a gunshot wound was added to a list of injuries that included a broken syringe in the palm of his hand, a spine in ruins from years and years of heavy lifting for a rail company, and dozens of bruises from hockey and bar fights. By age 40, his body was scarred and tattooed, weakened from drug use, heavy drinking, and smoking. And yet, at age 40, he became a father for the second time.

Of all the things in my brother's colourful past, it was fatherhood at age 40 that most irritated my father, a man who had four children by the time he was 33. He just could not understand the idea of 'late' fatherhood. "Imagine having a kid at 40! He'll be 60 when the kid is 20. What was he thinking about?" I wondered if it made my brother think about the child he had as a teenager, but never really saw.

For my brother, fatherhood couldn't have come at a better time. He left his criminal past behind, but retained a strong interest in booze and cigarettes. And, although he continues to drive without a license, he has tried to pull his life together. No more jail, writing bad cheques, smashing cars into gas pumps, dropping acid or shooting up. Instead, against the odds, he has custody of his child, even though he looks like a most ill-suited father.

Technorati Tags: brother, family history

You Wanna Date Your Cousin?

So, I was walking down some street in Toronto the other day. I am not sure which street, but that doesn't really matter. Wait, I think it was Bloor Street but it could have been Yonge Street. Anyway, my eye was drawn to an advertisement on the side of a garbage can or newspaper box or telephone pole or some other bit of urban clutter, and, there was a poster for a service called Kindred Connections. I'd never seen an advertisement for a genealogical service on the streets.

Boy, was I wrong. There is a company called Kindred Konnections that is all about researching your ancestors. However, this one is Kindred Connections with a C. It's a dating service! How bizarre! I thought, who would want to date one's own kin?

This company clearly did not look up the word kindred in the dictionary. Or, maybe they really think that there are people who want to hook up with their cousins, sisters, brothers, aunts or uncles. I nominate this as the most ill-chosen company name in recent memory.

So, lets check the dictionary. From Answers.com, we have:

kin·dred (kĭn'drĭd)
n.

1. A group of related persons, as a clan or tribe.
2. (used with a pl. verb) A person's relatives; kinfolk.

adj.

1. Of the same ancestry or family: kindred clans.
2. Having a similar or related origin, nature, or character: kindred emotions.

And, from Mirriam Webster:

Main Entry: ¹kin·dred
Pronunciation: 'kin-dr&d
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from kin + Old English r[AE]den condition, from r[AE]dan to advise, read
1 a : a group of related individuals b : one's relatives
2 : family relationship : KINSHIP

In other words, join Kindred Connections and date your cousin.

Technorati Tags: Kindred Connections, dating, language

Diet Coke is an Atrocity

With apologies to those of you who actually like this shi...stuff.

The first time I tasted Diet Coke, I really believed that I was being poisoned, or at least that this substance was about to induce vomiting. First, there was a gag reflex. And then I started clawing at my throat like someone being suffocated. I ran to find an appropriate place to spit it out. It tasted so bad, I asked the person I was with to taste it for me.

The conversation went something like:

me: "Taste this."

them: "Why."

me: "I want to make sure I am not being poisoned."

them: [sips; hands it back]: "Tastes just fine."

me: "You can't be serious. This is what I imagine carbonated embalming fluid tastes like."

I remember thinking that if I were blindfolded and forced to taste and identify this carbonated atrocity, I would have made the following guesses:

1) antifreeze
2) liquid aluminum
3) refrigerant
4) aftershave
5) WD-40
6) melted vinyl
7) my grandmother's urine
8) someone's IV drip
9) pond water
10) some sort of truth serum forced on people before interrogation or being sent to the gulag

It reminded me of my first cigarette. I felt like I might throw up or that my chest would explode - in other words, the universal sign that your body is trying to tell you that you are poisoning yourself.

Besides, it contains aspartame, a substance that is banned in children's products in Europe. And, just to show you how omniscient my comments were, I offer this:

"Aspartame is made of 3 components, 50% phenylalanine, 40% aspartic acid and 10% methanol (wood alcohol). In the body methanol breaks down into formaldehyde (embalming fluid) and formic acid." (source). By the way, formaldehyde is a neurotoxin and a carcinogen.

That made me thirsty.

Technorati Tags: Diet Coke, aspartame

Do You Pee in the Shower?

Some time ago, I read that a large percentage of people admitted to urinating while in the shower. It never occurred to me that this was an option. So, my question is, do you pee in the shower? Be honest. I really want to know.

Technorati Tags: shower, peeing, urinating, pissing, micturating

My Father & the Double Entendre

At the risk of making my family appear even weirder, I offer a few comments about my dad. In case you missed it, you can review some prior family posts, like Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man, Portrait of my Other Brother as a Young Man, 100 Words About my Mother, Fatherly Advice, or Lessons from my Sister.

Whenever my father put something in the oven, he said "whip it in, whip it out, wipe it off, and worry." As a young boy, I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Then, at around age ten, I figured it out. It was a eureka moment, much like the time my mother said, while chewing on a steak bone, "the closer the bone the sweeter the meat." My sister blushed and my brother cleared his throat, but my dad gave a hearty laugh. No one expected me to get it, but I did.

Somehow, my father managed to be the captain of the double entendre. He could turn the most innocuous statement into something sexual. At times, it was like having a 14 year old boy as a father. It didn't matter what the subject was: wallpaper, middle east politics, brain surgery, long division. Of course, there were numerous topics that lent themselves well to that manipulation, like anything to do with oiling or greasing or anything long and hard or anything with an opening.

The most irritating thing is that I am sure he felt that I missed all of the references, and so he kept it up (see, there's one right there). Laughing didn't dissuade him either, because I got the feeling that he really didn't believe that I understood the joke.

He's turning 73 this year, and I heard him say that he wasn't ready to hang up his saddle just yet. I didn't even know he had a horse.

Technorati Tags: father, family history

When Children are Dentists

In my dream last night, I was being fitted with new teeth, fashioned from either Play Doh or plasticine. And, while certainly not durable in any sort of way, they had the advantage of being multi-coloured. The dentist may have been a child, but I am not sure. The only thing I could see were extremely large plastic brightly coloured dental tools: orange clamps, pink needles, yellow mirrors, etc. Originally, I blamed this dream on Stephen Harper's new nauseating advertising campaign, but then I wondered if it had to do with the return of students to campus.

They are here in full force today. And, man, do they look young. The converse is that I am looking old to them. My dad used to say "you are only young once." Too bad it took me so long to figure out what he meant.

Technorati Tags: dreams, aging

Guns, Guns, Everywhere: The Aftermath of Katrina

Finally, the Globe and Mail and other papers have begun to discuss the unequal way in which racial and class groups have been affected by Katrina. I am sure you have noticed that the refugees at the Superdome and the Convention Center were largely black and clearly poor. The wealthy and middle class got into their cars and drove or flew out of town. Many of those left behind could not afford gas or bus tickets, and no one offered them a lift out of the danger zone. Instead, thousands of dollars was spent airlifting people from rooftops.

But, I am still waiting for a discussion about guns and this disaster. There are obviously way too many guns in American urban centres and this was clearly illustrated by the gangs of armed looters and thugs roaming the streets after the hurricane. Even New Orleans Firefighters carry guns. One of the major targets of the looters was gun shops, resulting in even more guns pouring into the streets. We had snipers taking shots at police, helicopters and hospitals trying to evacuate patients. I know, "guns don't kill people, people kill people." What a load of crap.

I would suggest that New Orleans might not have descended into such extreme anarchic depths had there been fewer guns around. The police were diverted from search and rescue operations to deal with general lawlessness and yahoos with guns. I really hope the chaos in New Orleans will make people realize that too many guns around isn't a good thing. It's stupid. The right to bear arms is senseless in 21st century America.

Technorati Tags: Hurricane katrina, New Orleans, poverty, race, guns

We Have a Winner

As K pointed out, I made the quiz far too easy.

And, the winner is: Chris Nolan, who answered all questions correctly, except the bonus. Good efforts by the rest, but let me just assert that peacock blue is not even close to my favourite colour. Vex got that one. K, there are no touches of flamboyance anywhere in my wardrobe. Mrs Mogul, I am sorry to say that you got the last two wrong. I still like your blog. Jay, it seems many readers assumed that I was a woman. Perhaps it's that Librarian stereotype. I am not Marian the Librarian, although I know some who fit that image.

As promised, here are a few nice words about the winner's blog. Chris Nolan's blog, unambiguously entitled, I Am Chris Nolan, promises discussions about, Toronto, comics, technology, movies (including his own, and his recent entry in the Toronto Film Challenge), and more. I have read and enjoyed many of his movie reviews. I don't comment as much as I should. You can check out his archives by category, which is interesting.

Do I have a favourite post? I am not sure, but this one makes me laugh, perhaps because I have my own list of misheard lyrics in my head. Check out his blog.

Technorati Tags: Chris Nolan, me

A Short Test (to see if you have been paying attention)

I can offer no prize, but I will say something nice about your blog if you get the most correct answers.

True or False:

1) I am a woman
2) I live in Toronto
3) My favourite singer is Mel Torme
4) I have a three children
5) I wrote some guest posts on Mister Anchovy's blog this summer
6) I love milk, cheese, and yogurt
7) I once worked as a bartender
8) IMHO, the worst song ever is Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen
9) My favourite kid's books are Franklin the Turtle
10) The greatest invention of the 20th century was the leaf blower

Bonus:

My favourite colour is peacock blue

Technorati Tags: me

"You've Got a Nice Box"

I have a confession: I use one of those shopping carts. You know, the black ones with the big wheels at the back and the small wheels at the front. You've seen many old people with them, some ferrying small lap dogs. Others carrying stashes of cat food, kitty litter, budgie food, or live crabs, bleeding chicken legs, or salted fish. There is that bag lady whose cart is full of bags and probably something dead.

The holes in the cart always caused me problems. I'd lose cans on the pavement, so I placed a box inside. One glorious day, I got an impressively large box from No Frills that fit perfectly. It made my shopping easier. Suddenly, I became the envy of the old people. I detected murmuring while shopping some time ago at No Fills. I felt a gaze of the hot and tired eyes upon me. I turned and found three old ladies looking at me. It was 100 degrees outside and they were all wearing floor-length winter coats. One said, perhaps too longingly, "you've got a nice box." I worried that they were about swarm me. I moved towards the potato chips, their eyes following me.

I remembered those days when I used to stand in line at banks. For some reason, a retired person always ended up in line behind me, breathing down my neck. Well, they were too short to really breath down my neck, but there were definitely breathing down my shorts. I felt mushy breasts pushing into my back. I gather they thought that pushing me would make the line move faster. I stood my ground and even pushed back, adjusted my back pack to put some space between them and me. I still felt pressure against my back. I turned around a few times and glared. That is why I was an early adopter of banking machines and internet banking. I needed my space.

I do have a nice box, thank you very much. And no, you can't have it.

Technorati Tags: shopping, shopping carts, old people

Boring City

Sin City is boring, boring, boring. Even the gratuitous hyper-violence couldn't hold my attention. The acting is generally bad, especially on the part of Bruce Willis. The stories barely hold together. There is no suspense and little to keep me interested in watching, aside from the costumes.

There is way too much voice-over action going on. I figure that indicates a general failure in film-making. If you can't show what's happening in pictures or dialogue, without having to tell us what's going on at the same time, something is wrong.

Sin City is juvenile, pointless, and anti-social. That would be OK if the movie was well done, but it isn't. I give it 6 out of 10. And, god, I hope I never have to see it again.

Technorati Tags: movies, movies, movies reviews

Leonard Cohen is Broke and I am Bummed About it

You didn't hear it here first. Some of you know that Leonard Cohen is a personal hero of mine. He is probably the reason I wrote my first poem (which shall never see the light of day). He is also one of the reasons behind my interest in the guitar. I have a collection of Lenny paraphernalia (books in foreign languages, bootlegs, counterfeit CDs, promotional materials, and even an autograph).

My first Cohen album was an almost completely destroyed copy of Songs of Leonard Cohen. It was in such bad shape that, at certain points, the damage to the vinyl overwhelmed the music. The cover, littered with scribbling, was taped together. It had been in the collection of a radio station at one point.

My father gave me the most perplexing look when he came into my room and heard the singing of a man in pain or longing. Perhaps it was the line "and your thighs are a ruin." Or, maybe it was "Some girls wander by mistake into the mess that scalpels make." I am not sure, but he disapproved. That much is certain. Of course, he once said to me, "Who doesn't like Celine Dion?"

And now, Leonard is in the midst of a crazy lawsuit and countersuit. A recent Macleans article gives a good summary of the hell that he is going through. The short story is that his business manager allegedly embezzled millions from him, leaving him with a paltry amount and forcing him to mortgage is house in LA to pay his legal fees. Trouble is, even if he wins the suit, he has probably lost the money.

Which is why he is recording a new album and organizing a tour. He was planning to retire, but he has been forced to keep working. I am happy that he has deferred his retirement, but the circumstances stink. I hope to catch the tour. I have been lucky enough to see him twice: once it TO with K, and once in the audience of the Ralph Benmergui Show. I saw the sound check too.

Technorati Tags: Leonard Cohen, music, poetry

End Times - The Number of the Beast

Today, I noticed that I have a quarter for the year 2005 in my pocket. I have always liked the issuance of new money, but it is occurring to me more and more that we place too much reliance of worthless pieces of metal and paper. Lately, I have a feeling that I would much prefer the weight of gold, and I realize, in Canada that is a possibility, although the $5 coin seems to have been stalled. It is probably too much to ask that everyone carry around little sacks of gold everywhere, but I am somewhat concerned about digital money. It continues to surprise me that my bank account seems to be not much more that pixels.

Back in the day, I took money to the bank and heard the satisfying sound of coins on the counter and the noise of the machine printing my new balance (hey, I even remember tellers hand writing in my new balance and initialing it). I can transfer money from my bank account to merchants or charge it: in both cases, it's done by cabling and a magnetic stripe.

Perhaps it is from watching westerns, where money was made of gold, that makes me think that it was a better system. After all, gold had been used as currency for centuries. So, count me among those who advocate a new gold standard. Believe me, this does not make me a disciple of Objectivist philosophy or a Randroid, nor does it mean I support the libertarian right or the anti-government left. I just like the look and feel of gold as money. And beside, when we have a one world currency system, probably digital money, it will be the End of Times, right?

Coming soon, a post about Leonard Cohen.

Technorati Tags: money, banking, End Times

Getting back into the Groove

Clearly, I am still adjusting to being back at work. More regular blogging will resume shortly, I hope.

Update: This was my 300th post. Sorry it was such a non-event.

Technorati Tags: blogging, anniversary

Right Now

Things I Hate at the Moment: 1) Clowns 2) Mimes 3) SUVs (although I'll admit I like driving them) 4) my failing memory

Books I am Reading: 1) Cloud Atlas 2) The Game of Chess 3) The Golden Dream: Seekers of El Dorado. (I just finished Frozen in Time: The Fate of the Franklin Expedition).

Things I'd do if I win $10 million: 1) quit my job 2) shop 3) relax 4) travel 5) hire a butler 6) give a few dollars to a select group of individuals 7) get a reality TV show and act like an idiot

CDs in Rotation: 1) Esmerine - Aurora 2) Thee Silver Mount Zion Memorial Orchestra & Tra-la-la Band - Horses in the Sky 3) Adrian Belew - Side One 4) Adrian Belew - Side Two 5) Et Sans - Par noussss touss les trous de vos cranes! 6) John Cale - Hobosapiens 7) Husker Du - Everything Falls Apart and More 8) Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Extra Width 9) Labradford - Fixed::Context 10) many more I can't remember ...

Things that are Cool: 1) Librarians 2) chocolate

Downloads I Have Been Listening to at Work: 1) Ian Nagoski - Warm Coursing Blood 2) Axiomatic Integration - Syntonic 3) Dan Buxbaum - Cloud One 4) Mogwai - All Tomorrow's Parties Festival 5) Edwin Morris - The Heart Bowed Down 6) Alex Pearson - Theories of Minimalism 7) Cisfinitum - Landschaft

TV: TV sucks in summer

Ridiculous Things I have Recently Done: Tonight, I cut a 7 foot sofa in two so that I could get it out of the basement. It was old and gross and dusty and probably dangerous to my health.

Technorati Tags: me, random stuff

100 Words About My Mother (inspired by MissMeliss, on her birthday).

On certain evenings, while my father snored on the couch, ignoring the raging TV, my mother unwrapped her razor blades and placed a tissue on the floor in front of her chair. A cigarette smoldered between her pursed lips and she slowly became shrouded in a smoky blue halo. She lifted her feet, one at a time, onto her knees where she sliced the calluses from her soles, building a pile of hard flesh on the tissue. Then, my mother smoothed the skin with a metal file, and I retreated to my room to avoid inhaling her dusty foot particles.

Technorati Tags: mother

Surfing Mice: My Favourite News Story of the Day

A dude in Oz is training three mice, " Harry, Chopsticks and Bunsen, to surf small waves on tiny mouse-size surf boards at beaches on the country's Gold Coast." This pleases me immensely, but I have no idea why. Even better would be surfing kangaroos or koalas or any type of marsupial.

In other news, I am Worf. In truth, I am either George Costanza or Chandler Bing. But, this is a sci-fi/fantasy test and so I really should have been Data.

Technorati Tags: bizarre news, mice, surfing, tests

Well that went fast & a biking accident

I never imagined that 12 weeks could pass so quickly. But, here I am at my desk after 12 weeks of parental leave. It's not fair. But, there is a shiny new computer and a spanking new laser printer on my desk, so that is some sort of compensation. The bad news is that I had a bike mishap this morning.

I stepped onto my left pedal with my left foot, intending to swing my body over the bike. I have done this thousands of times since the age of six, when I learned how to ride a bike. The chain slipped, I think because the gears were in mid-shift when I had stopped. Everything collapsed onto the pavement, including me.

The embarrassment was far worse than the pain; I have a scraped knuckle, a red welt where a pedal dug into my abdomen, and a scrape under my chin from where I impaled my neck on my upturned handlebars. The fact that people saw me taking a solo wipe out was the worst thing. I hobbled away. Fortunately, no one came to render any assistance, and no one laughed at me.

The other time I hit the pavement was when a car almost took my out. He apologized, at least, but I still had to pick myself off the middle of a wet and dirty intersection.

Technorati Tags: parental leave, cycling

Dead Budgies

When Polly, our pet budgie, started looking a bit peaky, my dad intervened. He added a few drops of brandy to its water dish. For the next two or three days, it was very active, happy, and cheerful. Only later did it occur to me that the little green bird was probably quite drunk. Sometime later, we found it reclining feet up on the bottom of the cage. For years, I assumed it was dead, but someone later told me that it might have passed out. In any event, it was dead enough for the store to replace it without having to launch into any Monty Python skits about dead parrots.

I began to suspect that the replacement budgie, also called Polly, was an inferior bird when it was discovered that it could not fly. It plummeted straight to the floor. That was the only time in my life that I appreciated the bright orange shag. Otherwise, my memories of that carpet are of burns to various body parts - and I even have a friend who ended up with carpet burn on his face from that carpet. But, that happened in the teenage years, well after we gave up thinking that our family was capable of looking after birds or any sort of animal for that matter.

Budgie number 2 died within 10 days.

Technorati Tags: pets, budgies

MIA

Sorry, I have been MIA for the past while. I'll try to do better, but I may be out of touch until Monday. Such is life.

I've Been Tagged

I guess it had to happen: G tagged me and I finally have answers (better late than never). But first, a preamble.

As a commenter on my blog once said (and I am paraphrasing), "you seem to live in a pop culture vacuum." It's true. There was a period of close to ten years when I had no TV. As a result, there are dozens of TV programs I have never seen. I missed tons of movies too. In some respects, I feel as though I had spent a long time in prison, but the kind of prison where there is no TV. But, on with the thing (even though it sort of gives away my approximate age).

Oh, I should also mention that I have a hard time even remembering what I have seen.

Childhood

Most movies I saw as a kid where on TV, but I did get to the drive-in in later years. In fact, I saw Star Wars at the drive-in. No, it does not make my list.

Killdozer: an appallingly ridiculous movie from 1974 in which a bull dozer becomes a killer. No, it's not Stephen King, but it could have been. Gordie & I saw it many many times.

Honorable Mentions

Smokey and the Bandit: I've never seen my dad laugh so hard. I had to get him to turn up the speaker dangling over the car window so that I could hear it.

Logan's Run: I might even buy this one on DVD.


Teens (1980s)

Altered States: This movie got some unjustified bad reviews, in my opinion.

Honorable Mention

Blue Velvet: I am not sure why. It is kinda creepy.


Twenties (80s-90s)

Brazil: Simply fascinating.

Honorable Mention

Pulp Fiction: If only because it resurrected John Travolta's career. I think he should have to give Tarantino a cut of every paycheck he subsequently received.


Thirties (now)

Memento: Because I really feel like that guy. I think I have a preview of what Alzheimer's must be like.


Before My Time
Citizen Kane
Dr. Strangelove
2001 A Space Odyssey

I tag you. I am a little unsure about tagging people, especially since some people hate these things. So, if you want to do it, do it and let me know. It's that easy.

P.S. Yes, I have fallen behind in my blog reading. I hope to catch up soon.

Technorati Tags: memes, movies

War Resisters Support Campaign

I personally know two men who moved to Canada to avoid the Vietnam draft. I admire them for having made a difficult decision and for doing what they felt was the right thing to do. The War Resisters Support Campaign supports "U.S. soldiers seeking asylum in Canada because they refuse to fight in the illegal war in Iraq."

Naturally, there are those who will attack this group as promoting treason or some such idiotic thing. I am using the word idiotic because I was attacked for being idiotic twice over my last post:

"Your idiotic ideas are laughable. America is still the greatest country on the face of the earth." (from Paul).

And:

"a post as idiotic and generally ignorant as yours" (from Art).

Oh, and Art, if you are still reading this, thanks for your last post. I really enjoyed it.

Don't worry. I am not considering taking up full time political blogging. And, just to clarify, when I said "I am happy that I am not an American" I meant it in a tax sense. I know that all governments squander money. I am just happy that my taxes aren't being wasted in Iraq. I have American friends and friends who have moved to the USA. And, I have visited often and really like the places I have seen and the people I have met.

Less political content will return soon.

Coming Soon

I have been tagged by G and I am still working out my answers.

Technorati Tags: Iraq, war resisters

George W. Bush and the Decline of America

Because I haven't written an overtly political post in a long time, I present a rather long and meandering post or rant: you decide.



I have to say that I am happy that I am not an American and that I am not paying taxes to the American Government. If I was, I'd be royally pissed that my taxes were being squandered on an illegal an unjustified war. The cost of the war escalates to perverse levels while 45 million Americans have no health insurance and while untold numbers of Americans live in third world conditions. Why not invest that money in education or health care or even alternate forms of energy?

Everybody knows that the quick 'victory' in Iraq was followed by what we can really only call a quagmire. This could count as one of the most grievous of tactical errors in American history. His war against terror and the personal war against Saddam Hussein has led to unspeakable collateral damage, car bombs, civilian deaths, dead invading troops, dead Iraqi troops, and the spread of terrorist cells into Iraq. Clearly, Bush is a liar and the real objective was not weapons of mass destruction, but oil.

Bush has entrenched his troops in the midst of the second largest oil reserve in the world. Even 75% of the readers of Time believed that the invasion of Iraq was for the purpose of securing an oil supply. This is a reserve that will be depleted, eventually. To me, it is no coincidence that the USA choose to act (in the name of its Christian god) in the middle east, where there happens to be oil, while conveniently ignoring catastrophic human rights abuses in other parts of the world, parts where there is little oil and little geo-political value to the USA. It is no coincidence that Bush used the term 'crusade' when he launched his terrorism counter-offensive.

Was the military action in Afghanistan more successful? The opium trade continues in Afghanistan despite the obscene war on drugs raging in the Americas. Regional war lords are again reclaiming power in the post-invasion Afghanistan. The most powerful army in the world let Osama bin Laden pass through its fingertips. Other than putting Osama on the run, I am not sure that much has been solved. Clearly, Bush was too eager to move on to target number 2.

I am annoyed that Bush's ultra conservative religious right views have meant that contraception information has, largely, been removed from US government websites. It is no secret that he opposed to women's right to choose. When will the people of the United States elect a woman? (and I don't mean some Margaret Thatcher clone.).

I am happy that I live in Canada, one of the countries that stayed out of the war, although it should not be forgotten that Canada increased its troop compliment in Afghanistan, allowing US forces to join the invasion of Iraq. Only the NDP commented on that, largely to deaf ears. The Conservative Party leader, the ridiculous Stephen Harper, was eager to join the Bush & Blair show and send our troops on an illegal campaign in the middle east.

Under Bush, the United States government has lost credibility. At least, in the past, I felt that there was some reason to believe that the USA was acting in a humanitarian way, even when if it pursued its own interests. Maybe I was blind. With Bush, it is all so black and white and I find that very scary.

Technorati Tags: George W. Bush, Iraq, politics

Set Fire to Anything
Set Fire to the Air

Music for a New Society

Back in April, I posted a kind of review of the Legacy Edition of the Clash's London Calling. Here are few comments about another favourite album, John Cale's Music for a New Society.

The AllMusic Guide describes the music as "calm, spare, and spectral" and the songs as a "handful of stories of terribly damaged lives." Finally, AMG says that this album is "Spare, understated, and perhaps a masterpiece." I agree. If there is any one album deserving of the title masterpiece, this may be it.

(I'd be curious to know what other albums people regard as masterpieces).

It's hard to say why I am drawn to an album that is so dark and even depressing. The music is ambient in a haunting and occasionally frightening way. To my ears, there is something unsettling about the composition. Perhaps because of that, I listen to other Cale albums more frequently, albums like Paris 1919, Fear, Slow Dazzle, and Helen of Troy. Perhaps the musical enjoyment is circumscribed by the intensity of the listening experience.

It has always irritated me that Lou Reed, another of my favourite musicians, is far more famous than Cale, Reed's co-founder of the Velvet Underground. Sure, I like Reed's music, but John Cale is a musician and not a pop star. If anything perplexes me it is that Cale sees himself as living in Reed's shadow. He even mentions Lou Reed in the first paragraph of his autobiography.

Some John Cale links:

1) Official site
2) John Cale Homepage
3) Fear is a Man's Best Friend
4) Wikipedia

"Roll up the history books, burn the chairs
Set fire to anything, set fire to the air
They're riding to begin and running at the end
'Cause mama said, you take your life in your hands"

Technorati Tags: music, John Cale, Music for a New Society

Save me from the Music in my Head

This post grew out of a comment I left on Scritture.

I am sure that most of you have had a song or an advertising jingle stuck so firmly in your head that you feared nothing would ever get it out. I hate it when that happens, especially when I hate the song. For the last four years, or so, I have found that I have had various children's songs running through my head and it is driving me crazy.

I have almost given in to the idea that I will never get these songs out of my head. At work, I find that I am considering some obtuse thing, or have been asked an interesting question, and then I realize that I have a Wiggles song in my head or the jingle to one of many children's TV shows (Arthur, George Shrinks, Dora the Explorer, Franklin -- at least that theme song is sung by Bruce Cockburn and isn't too bad). Maybe I can't fight it.

After all, my dad is a huge ABBA fan and so if I ever wanted a ride anywhere as a teenager (and that included drives to the cottage), I was forced into listening to bad Swedish pop. For a period of 2 years, I had Hell's Bells by AC/DC in my head, and I wasn't even a fan.

My major fear is that I will start singing it out loud, either causing me to be fired or committed.

Technorati Tags: music, annoyances

Wal-Mart, Pick-up Joint No More

After only one month, the Wal-Mart in Roanoke, Virginia has cancelled it's Friday singles shopping night. Single shoppers displayed a red bow on their carts to let other shoppers know that they were available.

As well, "flirt points" were set up in the store. I wonder if there were flirt points by the condoms?

I am not going to make any jokes about Wal-Mart customers. And, I have no answer to one Virginia shopper's question: "Where can someone over 40 who doesn't smoke or drink or go to bars meet someone?" In Virginia? I have no idea.

I am not sure that Wal-mart was the best retailer for such an experiment. I would say that a reasonably upscale grocery store would be a better choice or maybe even a Laundromat or possibly a public library. Who knows?

Technorati Tags: Wal-Mart, dating

Confession Number 1

In my pre-adolescent days I listened to KISS. I owned their records, knew the lyrics to most songs, and could name the members while most of my friends would refer to them as the Cat or the guy that spits blood.

There were some signs that indicated that I should not be listening to them. They were, even to my young ears, misogynistic. Later, I realized that the music was remarkably one-dimensional, some of it insipid, and most of it generally pointless. Of course, the worst offence was Beth. I realize that some of you may have sentimental attachments to that song. The truth is that I enjoyed many slow dances back in high school to that song. But, let's face the fact that this song will not be remembered as an important song or as seminal song writing, although I bet it led to the spilling of semen on a few occasions - get it: seminal ... semen.

Technorati Tags: confessions, Live8, KISS

Only Three Weeks Left :-(

My twelve weeks of parental leave are almost up, and I'll be heading back to work soon. That will give me more time to blog and visit other blogs :-) I have learned that I would be happy if I never have to work again. Who needs it? Those lottery winners who keep their jobs are nuts.

My four year old daughter loves to paint, and so we have spent some time doing that. This is my latest attempt (it may be hard to see the streaks of red, blue, and yellow).

I would have posted hers, but she is much better than me.

It's acrylic on matte board (we ran out of canvas).

Technorati Tags: parental leave, daughter, art

What is Your Favourite Song?

I have a theory that, as people age, they no longer have a favourite song. Instead, they have songs that they like, but it becomes increasingly difficult to have one favourite. That's true of me. When I was a teenager, I carried a top ten list in my head. Perhaps it was from having listened to all of those countdowns for the end of year, end of decade, and end of millennium, end of whatever. It's hard enough for me to list a top ten fav singers/bands.

Do you have a favourite song? Tell me what it is. I want to know.

Technorati Tags: music

Reality TV Redux

As if Dancing With the Stars is not enough, we now have So You Think You Can Dance. Oddly, only one is a Fox show.

I've read that dance instructors in Toronto have seen a boom unheralded since Saturday Night Fever. This new trend probably assures that ball room dancing will soon be a be an Olympic sport. This is not to say that I hate dancing. I just think that reality TV and dancing don't mix.

Which reminds me that I saw a few minutes of that show with the Jenner kids and David Foster (I'd look it up, but I am too lazy). I never knew that it would be possible, but they have ripped off the Simple Life, another show from the brilliant minds at Fox. That show sucks.

I just want to say that I'd be happy to star in a show like that, but I am far too poor. I think a reality show about librarians is long overdue, especially since we are so misunderstood. If anyone at Fox is listening, give me a call.

Technorati Tags: television, TV, reality TV

Penile Recommendations

Some spam I really love, like this one:

Have you ever wanted to impress your girl? Now you could grant your wish! Be realistic ? you always wanted it! Try SPUR-M now! Use this tab regularly and you'll have the best sex!

And in the same day:

You gape for ejaculating like you had seen in porno films? I am sure it was! This successful product is created especially for you, guys! Use this tab regularly and you'll have the best sex! Worried it won't work?

Both had links to different URLs. Both carried the subject line "Penile Recommendations." Both were obviously written by someone with an unparalleled mastery of the English language.

I have said before that there is no way I would ever purchase anything that was advertised to me via spam, especially anti-spam software advertised to them via spam! That makes no sense at all.

Who buys products that they have heard about via spam? I really want to know how these jokers make money.

Technorati Tags: spam

The Answer

Sorry to take so long to give you the answer. The answer is ... the parrot.

Technorati Tags: grandmother

12 Random Facts about my Grandmother

One thing on this list is not true.

1) she reuses toilet paper (she hangs it on the side of the sink to dry)
2) she is 86 years old
3) she buys her dresses & shoes and lawn sales and thrift shops
4) she is independently wealthy
5) she was a grandmother at 37
6) she was a great grandmother at 57
7) she could be a great great grandmother, but I can't prove it at the moment
8) she had a shotgun wedding
9) she has a pet parrot that is 47 years old
10) she has two artificial knees and one artificial hip
11) she sleeps in a reclining lounge chair
12) she used to drown kittens when she & my grandfather owned a farm

Technorati Tags: grandmother, family history

An Actual Conversation with a Fellow Cyclist on Bloor Street Today

At a red light, he turned around:

guy: "The water fell out of my hand."

me: "Water? I didn't see it."

Light turns green, but I am pinned in by cars and garbage cans and newspaper boxes.

guy: "It got away from me."

me: "Oh yeah?"

guy: "Some people will chase after you if you litter." He makes running motions with his arms. "They get in your face."

me: "Oh yeah?"

guy: "I had to punch a guy out once. I tossed a Coke can at a garbage cab and missed, and a guy yelled: 'put that in the garbage!' and he chased after me. I had to kick him."

I see an opening and start making my way around.

me: "You should have put it in the recycling bin." (OK, so I didn't say that, but I wanted to).

Technorati Tags: cycling, Toronto

Tom Cruise is Nuts, and here's the website to prove it. If you like that, be sure to visit FreeKatie.net.

I can't explain it, but just as I was writing that, I had this thought:

I feel sorry for any bird saddled with the words "lesser" of "common," like the Lesser Antillean Flycatcher, the Lesser Flamingo, the Lesser Bird-of-Paradise, the Common Bristlebill or the Common Gull. How drab and boring for them.

Technorati Tags: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, birds

Get off the Stage, a Late Live8 Post

If I have to hear The Who's Who Are You one more time, I may well go completely insane. Who needs The Who? Who Cares? Who Gives a Shit? Now, those are three albums The Who should have recorded. Why did they (and I mean the Live8 organizers) have to drag out the old washed-up acts whose only future prospects are concerts at Casinos?

I only saw about 30 minutes of Live8 - and maybe I saw the worst 30 minutes - but I can tell you that I was not impressed with what I saw. My viewing commenced with Our Lady Peace butchering a Leonard Cohen song. I'm sorry if I have offended the fans of Our Lady Peace (I know who you are).

It's not about age; it's about musical credibility. Neil Young still has it. Bruce Cockburn does too. But, certainly not The Who, a band, CG reminded me, who has released no new music in over twenty years. And, Elton John's best years, if one can apply the adjective best to anything Elton John has ever done, ended in 1975. I won't even start on Madonna et al.

I know there were some good moments, but U2 with Paul McCartney wasn't one of them.

(A spider just walked across my monitor screen - actually, he's hovering over Our Lady Peace).

So, I'm thinking that there ought to be a movement to ban certain songs from any public performance. If you want to hear Satisfaction, buy or download it. The Stones should be forced into retirement. And, thank God the Eagles have packed it in.

Technorati Tags: Live8, music

I Want to Strangle Franklin The Turtle and Elliot Moose too

I am sick of Franklin, that sniveling little reptile featured in books published by Kids Can Press. OK, so the books had good reviews at the beginning, but I think this turtle's time has come. After all, the books are no longer written by the originating authors, and I think they might have run out of ideas. Since it is unlikely that anyone will listen to me and make turtle soup out of Franklin, I will offer two suggestions.

1) rename all of the books "Franklin Learns a Lesson" since that is what happens in most stories.
2) make Franklin a teenager, so that they can move of to new story ideas, like "Franklin Gets Laid" or "Franklin Gets an STD."

Of course, since there seems only to be one family of each species in that crazy village, it would mean either incest or bestiality (or maybe that would interspecies sex, since they are already beasts).

Oh, and one other thing would make me happy, and that is a new book about Elliot called "Elliot's Funeral." Then, they could change the insipid theme song from "Elliot Moose is on the Loose" to this far more interesting and satisfying lyric:

"Elliot Moose is in a Noose."

Technorati Tags: Franklin the Turtle, Elliot Moose

Out of Town

I am out for town for the rest of the week. If I had been more with it, I would have lined up some guest bloggers. Maybe next time.

P.S. Friday is my two year blogging anniversary. Whoopee!

Technorati Tags: vacation

Go Fly a Kite: some reflections on my childhood

After being unable to get it up a few weeks back, I flew a kite yesterday for the first time in my life. With my kite virility restored, I once again reflected on how having children has allowed me to revisit my own childhood and even to correct some shortcomings, like flying a kite. Another shortcoming was a lack of stories and books.

Surprisingly, I had no books as a child. Perhaps this is why I became a librarian (and, no, I do not sit in some quiet corner and read all day long - that would be an idyllic librarian job, and I think it does not exist). I do not clearly remember bedtime rituals, but I know that there were no bedtime stories. I must have been sent off to bed with a smack on the ass.

I sifted through the piles of childhood stuff that my mother sold at successive law sales, and there were no books. There were toys, lots and lots of plastic toys - most of which took batteries and made high pitched noises - but no books. And, my parents did not have library cards. My mother read. Around her living room chair were ashtrays, Harlequin Romances, and stacks of True Romance magazines.

On the only bookshelf in the house there was a copy of The Happy Hooker, a dictionary, a hymn book, a bible that had long ago fallen to pieces, and a few National Geographic magazines. I also recall a copy of Lorna Dune and a book about growing peas.

Having a child has meant that I have read a good number of picture books (many of them dozens of times). I have just started Alice In Wonderland for the first time. Better late than never, I suppose.

Technorati Tags: childhood, kites, reading

I Met the Fonz

It's true and also a little known fact that I met Henry Winkler at the height of his popularity. It was the very late 1970s and Henry was known the world over as that great character actor who played Arthur Fonzerelli on Happy Days. I wish someone would explain to me why the concept of the Fonz seemed to work back then, but the idea of it now seems so unbelievably ridiculous.

He came to our school. One person asked if he could have his autograph and Arthur said no, because then he would have to give everyone his autograph. And then, a sexually precocious pre-teen...well, she may have be 13, said: "can I have a kiss?" And, Fonzie gave her what looked like a deep French kiss, the bastard.

I shook his hand on his way out the door.

Have you met anyone famous?

Happy Canada Day.

Technorati Tags: The Fonz, Henry Winkler, Happy Days

My Old Roommate

I just discovered that my first year roommate from my undergrad days has a blog. I have added musings of middle age to my blogroll. It's interesting that he already considers himself to be middle aged. I figure that is several years off. I am not even 40 and, after all, 50 is the new 40 and we are living longer, right? I hope so anyway.

Anyway, my now middle-aged friend has uploaded a post in which he says about us:

"Well now it appears that we will be able to stay in more frequent contact, probably learning more about each other then when we were 19 year old roommates only concerned with getting drunk and laid, and not necessarily in that manner."

If only I could remember if that was true. I'll take his word for it. Studying was not a priority in first year. That much, I remember.

Technorati Tags: roommates, middle age

Camera Day

Today is Camera Day, according to something I read somewhere, so I thought I'd post a photo, 'cause it's been ages since the last one.

Good night.

Oh, it's a tree. I'm quite fond of posting pictures of trees.

© 2004 Zydeco Fish

Technorati Tags: photography, black & white photography, trees

A Recurring Dream

In a previous post, I said: "I am reluctant to post any more dreams here, for fear that someone may be secretly psychoanalyzing me. If you are secretly psychoanalyzing me, please send me a full report on what you have found." And so, I present another dream.

Someone please tell me what this means. I have a recurring dream in which I have to pass through a very small opening, like a door that has only one foot of clearance, or under a wall that doesn't quite meet the ground. There are numerous other variations. Sometimes, I have to follow what seems to be a tunnel.

Help.

Technorati Tags: dreams

Don't Eat That

1) Any food that is improved by pounding it against a rock for a goodly number of minutes before other interventions are tried (like thorough cleaning, more tenderization, and the introduction of other foods to obliterate the taste) shouldn't be eaten. Yes, I'm talking about tripe. It's called offal for a good reason - it's awful.

2) Same goes for all internal organs. Steak and Kidney pie is nasty. Don't forget, the kidneys are excretory organs, meaning that they produce urine. When they are cooking, your house will smell like some stinky downtown Toronto alley. And then there's liver. It detoxifies animals and produces bile. Yuck.

3) And pigs tails, feet and ears, chicken feet, beaks, brains of any sort, and any type of animal eyeball, even if rumoured to be a brain food, will never touch my lips.

4) And, cow noses, lips and anuses (and if you are paying attention, that rules out most hot dogs, even the so-called all-beef ones). There is no question that ground up cow lips and a wee bit of cow anus tastes fantastic when topped with ketchup and other delicious condiments. But, when you think about it, it's a putrid mess that isn't fit for even the most ravenous of carnivores.

Technorati Tags: food

Fatherly Advice

As a young man, I received two pieces of fatherly advice (well, two pieces that I can remember). They are:

1) Don't work in a factory;
2) 5 Minutes per side and then build up

Yes, every summer, I got the 5 minutes per side sun tanning lecture. He wasn't trying to stop me from sun tanning; he wanted me to get my pale hide into the sun and get some colour. So, start off with 5 minutes per side and then build up until I would be a wrinkled, red, old man with skin cancer, just like him. I avoided the sun, except for that one summer I spent on a beach actively trying to get a tan.

I remember the day my dad got his first Speedo. I was 13 or 14 and I watched my dad emerge from his bedroom and say (for some reason, these words are forever etched into my brain):

"I can barely fit into these, and I'm not sure if I'm bragging or complaining." Soon, he was seen rolling up the Speedo to expose his white butt. That was bad, but things got a lot worse then he bought a thong. "Sun my buns" became the new catch phrase. As a man in his early 70s, he can still be seen wearing the Speedo. I am certain that, for him, the Speedo was the most important invention in the history of civilization.

Technorati Tags: father, sun tanning, speedo

Men's Rooms

Kinda gross: proceed with caution

Since I am on the general topic of Gross, I thought I would discuss the state of men's bathrooms. They are disgusting. I am not talking about the washrooms found in parks and other public gathering places -- I gather those are a no-go zone for most sane men and women. I am talking about men's washrooms is places like bars and restaurants and cinemas and malls and on university campuses.

Many women I have spoken with assure me that female bathrooms in these places are horrible, but, I can't imagine that you will find urine on the toilet seats in a women's bathroom. Please correct me if I am wrong. You see, some men will not lift the seat, perhaps because they feel that if they touch the seat, they will develop an incurable disease or maybe syphilis or herpes or whatever. Instead, they piss on the seat, without a thought for whomever might want to use the toilet after them.

Men leave toilet paper on the floors, draped over the seat (half in the water, half out of the water). Some defecate on the seat and the floor. I have seen feces smeared on the stalls. I have seen paper towels stuffed into the toilet, broken beer bottles on the floor and in urinals.

And, more and more, I have noticed that there are some men who will not turn off the tap. At least he washed his hands, I think, but it took me a while to figure out why these idiots leave the water running. It occurred to me that they do not want to touch the tap, after they have washed their hands, for fear of contacting an incurable disease or maybe syphilis or herpes or whatever. Men are pigs (except me of course).

Technorati Tags: washrooms, men

B.O.

I'm not sure if it's the hot weather or maybe it's the areas I hang out in, but I have to say that some people in Toronto stink. All too frequently, I have walked into the putrid wake of someone on the sidewalks and in the malls of this city. The stench is occasionally so bad, I feel like passing out. I have met some skunks that smelled better. Briefly, I considered that maybe the people behind the blog Dating Help for Men (an idiotic blog that I have mentioned before) are on to something. Clearly, some people do not bathe and have very poor personal hygiene. It's either that, or they fail to wash their clothes.

And then there's overpowering perfume. That is less frequent, to my nose anyway. Something else that bothers my sensitive nose is the super-fragrant bathroom deodorizers one encounters in restaurants and bars. That also makes me sick, and I think that the actual smell would be much easier to take. Well, I guess that depends.

Technorati Tags: B.O., body odour

Portrait of my Other Brother as a Young Man: a sequel to Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man

When I was 5 years old my brother ran away from home. The police car idled in the driveway and I wondered if I could ask the policeman to turn on the siren. But then, my mother ran back into the house crying and the I heard the policeman say that if they brought him back, he would just leave again because he was 15 and the police knew what they were talking about. I learned later that my mother had flushed the LSD she found in his room.

The next time I saw him, he didn't recognize me. At 18, he had a pregnant girlfriend, a broken needle in the palm of his hand, from an injection gone bad, and a beat up electric guitar. He told me about flashbacks and angel dust while he played along with the songs on the radio. He could play Alice Cooper's I'm 18: " I got a baby's brain and an old man's heart, took eighteen years to get this far. Don't always know what I'm talkin' about. Feels like I'm livin' in the middle of doubt"

And, I remembered another Alice Cooper song, from the albums he left behind:

I ran into my room
And I fell down on my knees
Well, I thought that fifteen
Was gonna be a breeze
I picked up my guitar
To blast way the clouds
But somebody in the next room yelled
"You gotta turn that damn thing down"

In the morning, the police called. I sat in the back seat on the ride to the police station where I saw my brother. He didn't speak. The sound of handcuffs locking around wrists is exactly as it is on television. Everyone knows that ratchet sound of the lock squeezing tighter and tighter. I didn't know what trafficking was. I didn't know where the jail was. I never knew how long he stayed locked up.

I thought his girlfriend looked out of place carrying a giant paper bag with a colourful smiling Santa Claus printed on one side and "Merry Christmas" scripted in red on the other. In the dust kicked up by our tires, I could see her belly and her thumb in the air as she tried to hitch a ride to somewhere in the hot summer air.

(read part two)

Technorati Tags: brother, family history

Lessons from my Sister

This post is kind of an interlude between Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man and a yet-to-be-written post, Portrait of my Other Brother as a Young Man. Without her, I am not sure when I would have learned three essential life skills. She taught me:

1) to blow bubbles (with bubble gum)
2) to snap (the sound produced by rapid movement of a finger from the thumb tip to the base of the thumb)
3) to whistle

And, she showed me a tampon long before I even knew what menstruation was - although I never had any use for one, being a guy. One night, when she was babysitting my brother (the one you already know about) and me, she submerged it in water so that we could see it grow.

Let's see, what else? I had my first cigarette with her. Smoking didn't take, but my brother (the one you already know about) became addicted almost immediately and, as a pre-teen, was given the nickname "Puffer."

For my 16th birthday she, along with her boyfriend, presented me a book as a gift, the only time, it should be noted, that she ever gave me a book. It was: Xaviera's Supersex: Her Personal Techniques for Total Lovemaking by Xaviera Hollander. It's like the Joy of Sex without the class.

This is all true.

Technorati Tags: sister, family history

I Wanna be a Hilton

From NBC: "Everyone's heard of the Hiltons, especially daughters Paris and Nicky, but what would it take to actually live like them?" I have an answer: act like an ass whenever possible and if that doesn't work, show your ass to any camera that is pointed your way. Of course, it would help to release a porn film of yourself first. In short, just whore yourself out to the media.

Reality TV has gone too far.

Since we are on the topic, I have a few ideas for reality TV series I'd like to see:

1) Surgeon for a Day - for people with no medical training at all (hosted by Jeff Probst)
2) The Intern - sort of like the Apprentice, but the winner gets to be President Bush's personal intern (hosted by Monica Lewinsky)
3) Prison Guard Survivor - half are guards; the other half are prisoners. I see a prison break or riot to the death (hosted by Martha Stewart)
4) The Cosmetologist - search for the best makeup artist (hosted by Tammy Fay Baker)
5) American Mime - the best mime artists battle it out for the imaginary crown(hosted by Joe Rogan)

Technorati Tags: reality TV, TV, I want to be a Hilton

Cosmetics on the Go

Today, I saw a woman putting on her eye liner while walking down a busy Toronto street. Last week, I watched a woman apply mascara while driving her car. I have seen women applying lipstick, and that stuff that goes on the cheeks, while driving, but never mascara. That was new, and an accident waiting to happen. Besides, isn't it embarrassing to be seen applying makeup?

This reminded me that I once heard a woman state emphatically that no woman should be seen doing her makeup. I wondered if it was because makeup was a secret, you know, because back in the day only hookers wore makeup. Well, I am not sure if that is true, but I remember reading that in Victorian England, prostitutes wore cosmetics to appear obvious. So, is it that she thinks women just shouldn't be seen or does she think that women can hide the fact that makeup is in use?

There are those other women who say that a woman should never be seen without makeup, even by her husband. That means wearing makeup to bed. And that brings me to TV, where women are often seem wearing makeup in ridiculous situations, like crawling out of a ditch, when there are getting out of bed (really, do you know any women who wear makeup to bed?). I've even seen women getting out of the shower wearing makeup on TV.

Perhaps I shouldn't even comment on makeup, since I am a man and don't wear it.

Technorati Tags: cosmetics

Air Conditioning Sucks (most of the time)

Maybe it's because I spent my childhood sweating in summers, or maybe it's because air conditioning wasn't widely available back then - at least not in my hometown, or maybe it's bad experiences with over-air conditioning that makes me hate it.

Why is it that some buildings are so cold that, if it were winter, people would complain? No one would tolerate that extreme cold in winter. I can't even go to a movie in summer without adequate warning: I've been stuck in freezing theatres too often. I almost got frostbite once when I wore sandals to a movie (sandal-wearing is a recent development. It has taken years for me to feel comfortable exposing my toes in public). I walked around a large Texas city with a jacket just so I could combat the buildings that had been transformed into refrigerators, including the conference centre, which had an ice rink in the middle of it, right beside the Starbucks!

I always feel slightly sick after spending too much time in heavily air conditioned buildings. At work, I have to take sun breaks and I feel like a lizard lying on the pavement trying to raise my body temperature.

Just give me a fan and a cold drink and I'll be fine.

Technorati Tags: air conditioning

Portrait of my Brother as a Young Man

This post was inspired by Large Marge Hayes and a few posts at The Cynic Ward.

At age 15, my brother impregnated his 21-year-old girlfriend (ex-hooker; ex-junkie - or at least we thought she had moved on from soliciting and heroin). She took up a new line of work as a welfare mom. Don't get me wrong: I am not one of those conservative anti-welfare people. But, she clearly abused the system, and later, she abused her children.

This was in his pre-obesity phase, or his warming up to obesity phase, when he would consume one loaf of bread and half a jar of peanut butter every day after school. I think he admired a guy who lived around the corner from us. This man weighed at least 400 lbs and started every day with a case of 24 beers at his feet. In summer, he sat on a large wicker chair and downed them one at a time, never getting up to go to the bathroom, making me wonder if he had some sort of catheter system going. He rarely spoke and the kids would either tease him or watch him. Some tried to speak to him. My brother sat and chatted with him, but I have no idea what they talked about.

I think my brother admired this local freak show. If I had been entrepreneurial, I would have made an arrangement with this guy and sold tickets to his performance, which is sort of what it was. I should have built some sort of hut or got a circus tent for the backyard. I could have run pools on how much beer he could down and by what time of day. But, I am straying from my brother.

He got fat. He sought out the underbelly, and he fathered three children by the time he was 19 with a woman who encouraged him to steal, even from his family and from me. Eventually, her children were placed in foster care, when she and her new boyfriend were sent to prison.

Since then, he has held some essential jobs: gas jockey, slacker building superintendent who couldn't tighten a screw, and an overweight cab driver who can only walk with the help of a cane, or two. I still can't figure out how he gets in and out of the cab. I forgot to mention his hypochondria.

And that's the short story.

While the term redneck is not used where I come from, I think he has some of the characteristics.

Technorati Tags: brother, family history

I believe that:

1) any store selling trampolines should include a free camcorder and the address of America's Funniest Home Videos.

2) Tim Horton's soup in a bowl fabricated from bread is an abomination.

3) anyone I have ever met with a MBA manages to convey that detail within the first ten minutes of meeting them.

4) that until we have proven that we can treat this planet with respect, we should not colonize the moon, Mars, or any other planet.

5) Stephen Harper and George Bush would make a wonderful couple.

6) we will never really come up with viable alternative fuels until we run out of oil.

7) conservative blogs are boring.

8) U2 is over-rated.

9) the Fox Network has no idea what it is doing.

10) pharmaceutical companies are evil.

Technorati Tags: rants, miscellaneous

Another Question

A recent post by Meliors prompted me to ask this:

1) Do your parents (brothers, sisters, grand parents, aunts, uncles, etc.) read your blog? For the parents out there, do you read your children's blog?
2) If so, are you reading it secretly?

P.S. Happy birthday to my daughter (she's too young to read this).

Technorati Tags: blogging